Took your advice, UPDATE (together 3.5 years)

posted 10 months ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
5547 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

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vanessa9090 :  I guess I don’t understand why you are ok with “possibly undiagnosed bipolar disorder” instead of seeing someone and getting an actual diagnosis and treatment?

I know that this is not what your thread is about but bipolar is serious and if you think you have a mental illness, you should get an actual diagnosis and treatment for it

You should definitely do this before you have kids. If you feel that your personality is unstable due to an undiagnosed mental illness, it’s going to have a negative impact on your kids

Post # 3
Member
4775 posts
Honey bee

Well, your communication skills are lacking, you apparently need to be impaired by alcohol in order to have discussions about your relationship,  and you also suspect undiagnosed mental illness.

So at this point, if I were you, I would spend my time working on all of those things.  Go make an appointment with a licensed mental health practitioner, determine if there is a medically determinable impairment/diagnosis and pursue treatment.  Meet with a counselor regularly to not only treat your mental illness if diagnosed but also explore why it is you seem unable to communicate and advocate for yourself sober with the person who is supposed to be your partner and the one person you ought to be able to make plans with and discuss what you want and build those communication skills.

Post # 4
Member
4990 posts
Honey bee

If you are bipolar, the very last thing you should be doing is drinking alcohol to the point of intoxication. You’re leaving out whole chunks of story, so it’s hard to get an accurate picture of your relationship. I suggest that when you’re not drinking alcohol to excess you talk to him about when you would like to see yourself engaged. And honestly, anything he’s said about weddings doesnt count one way or another. A lot of men like to talk, but when it comes to doing, there’s always a bs reason why he can’t? For example: “2019 has had too much excitement”- say what? Is he afraid you’re going to drop dead of a heart attack because of too much excitement? Ridiculous, but now I have a new excuse to add to the list of excuses men make to avoid proposing.

Post # 5
Member
3265 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

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vanessa9090 :  I remember you and your posts.  yeah no,  he’s *still* avoiding marrying you.  There is absolutely no reason not to be engaged now other than his own reluctance! How insulting after all these years.  No, I would NOT just passively wait almost another year! Your future is not his unilateral decision. I would ask him *today* for a definitive reason as to why he is unwilling to get engaged now. Depending on that answer I would make my decision if I’m leaving.  In all honesty I likely would have already left. My husband was excited to marry me,  no prodding,  asking,  convincing required, this would be my expectation for anyone…  

Post # 6
Member
1608 posts
Bumble bee

It doesn’t mean anything that he talks about it all the time. We see that on the waiting boards every day.

My question is, if he wants to marry you so badly, why is he still talking about it and not doing anything? You clearly told him you’re ready. So he is well aware that you want to get engaged in the near future.

And this: “…too much excitement for this year”- wtf does that even mean?! He sounds like a bullshitter.

*Tell him today you’re not happy with his vague-ass timeline and tell him what timeline you would be ok with and see what he says. If he truly wants to marry you, it shouldn’t be a problem at all.

Also, it is a HUGE red flag that you are so afraid to talk to your own SO about this stuff. Why are you afraid of him?

It’s not just up to him to decide this- do you not think you get a say in your future??

If you really have to get drunk to even broach these kinds of conversations, you’re either not at all ready for marriage or you’re with the wrong guy. Or possibly both. You should not be walking on eggshells with this.

Post # 7
Member
1650 posts
Bumble bee

Too much excitement for the year? What? ??? The wedding wouldn’t be till next year anyway?? 

Look, if the reasons why a guy is stalling actually have to do with a surprise, he will *move the timeline up* if he realizes it’s stressing you out once you communicate that. Only idiots will leave you in pain for the sake of a surprise.

Also it’s not that hard to surprise someone. One guy I know surprised his now wife by just exaggerating wildly about how swamped and busy he had been at work in the 4 weeks leading up to a trip so she would think he would be too busy to plan a proposal, and then genuinely surprised her when he proposed on the trip because he hasn’t actually been that busy. 

He has some other reason for hesitating or you haven’t communicated clearly. 

Post # 8
Member
10216 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

If he wanted to marry you nothing in the world would stop that.

However, if you cannot have a serious discussion about your relationship without being tipsy/drunk/having alcohol in your system then you don’t need to get married to anyone. 

Post # 9
Member
2857 posts
Sugar bee

You claim there’s no red flags, but I don’t see anything BUT red flags!!!

Post # 10
Member
2226 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

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vanessa9090 :  I don’t remember your previous posts, and I’m not going to go back and look, so I’ll respond as if the post you’ve posted today is the full story. 

You need to get over your fear of a sober relationship conversation with your partner. You say you can’t do this, but that’s inaccurate. The truth is that you don’t WANT to or won’t like having serious conversations sober, but as an adult in a relationship, you have to get over that, especially before considering having children. Secondly, based solely on this post, your boyfriend wants to marry you and has wanted to for a long time, but you were never ready – but now you are. So, if that’s the case, you sit down with him, tonight, completely sober, and say, “I know I was reluctant and not ready in the past to take the next step in our relationship. But I want to let you know that I am fully ready to get engaged and married to you now. I’ve told you about the ring I’d like and now I’d like to discuss when I’d like to take this next step. Originally I may have said I wanted an exotic location for my proposal, but I no longer feel that way. I would prefer a proposal sooner, in a less exotic location or even local, rather than wait until next year to get engaged. What are you thoughts?”

It’s that simple. And if other Bees are right, and he doesn’t want to marry you, you’ll know by the results of that conversation. Also, I totally agree that too much excitement in a year is a lame and total BS excuse. 

Post # 11
Member
459 posts
Helper bee

I have not read (or possibly just don’t recall) your previous posts so I am responding to this one alone.

Honestly I don’t understand what the problem is….He mentioned marriage many times, and you told him you weren’t ready. Then, without telling him that you are finally ready, you become resentful he hasn’t proposed yet? Is he supposed to read your mind and know that you’re ready now when you told him “not yet” multiple times in the past?

Plus, I’m sure he didn’t want to make concrete plans with you about something as important as your entire future together while you were not sober. Honestly, I feel that you are overreacting and the thought of you building resentment towards him over this is very troubling. I assume there are parts of the story here that I am missing.

All of the above aside, if you seriously think you have undiagnosed mental health issues, I urge you to seek help for your own sake, as well as for those who love and care about you. Bipolar disorder is no joke and if you know that you have a “difficult personality” then you should work on that. Focus on becoming your best self so you can be the best partner and best mother to your future family. Your health is your responsibility. I wish you the best, and peace and happiness.

Post # 12
Member
226 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2021

I just wanna say to those focused on OP’s mental health: not everyone wants treatment, and not everyone’s symptoms are severe enough for treatment. Also, maybe she did speak to a professional in the past; not every professional will give a diagnosis.

OP seems happy with her relationship for the time being, and that’s what the thread is really about. Hope things go well for you!

Post # 13
Member
5547 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

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thunderbee :  they are severe enough for her to talk about her difficult personality 🤷🏻‍♀️ maybe it’s no biggie to her

Post # 14
Member
703 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012 - Iowa

Just from reading this post, maybe he’s trying to throw you off when he says 2020. Now he know’s your ready, but still wants it to be a surprsie, so he threw that in there.

Based on PP’s posts there’s more to the story though…

Post # 15
Member
182 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I guess I’m in the minority but 

1) I don’t think 3 years is an inordinate amount of time to wait for a proposal. You’ve also given him quite a bit to doubt you over and he has stuck by you so there’s something to be said for that.

2) I don’t think you’re ready for marriage. At all. I think you have serious work to do on yourself. An engagement is so much more than a dream rock on your finger. It doesn’t sound like you are quite ready to handle the ups and downs of “for better or worse” at this point. If you think you have a serious mental illness then getting well should be your number one priority. It has to be, otherwise your relationship will end up crumbling. I urge you to get evaluated by a psychiatrist and go from there.

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