Took your advice, UPDATE (together 3.5 years)

posted 10 months ago in Waiting
Post # 16
11342 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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vanessa9090 :  

Bee, what makes you think you may be bipolar?  How did you get started down the road of perceiving yourself in that way?  Was there input from someone that you have taken as true?

Certainly, if you feel that you may be struggling with bipolar or any disorder, the Bees are right about getting a proper diagnosis and treatment.

I always get a little cringey when a Bee starts out by explaining how difficult she is for her partner to be with while elevating him to pedestal status.

Guys who make early marriage talk make me edgy as well. 

Sometimes they’re just picture painting; basically day dreaming out loud. Other times, a push for a quick involvement is an effort to get you hooked fast because they’re hiding something.  You know him best.

It’s concerning that you have to bolster your courage with alcohol to have a discussion with your partner about your shared future. Relationship goals are part of ongoing discussions in healthy relationships.

What makes you feel so uncomfortable approaching your bf about marriage? Have you asked him directly what all of his early marriage talk was about?

I would hope that the man you plan to marry is also your best friend and that you would feel like you can talk to him about anything. It sounds as if communication is a pretty big issue here, Bee.

Post # 18
26 posts

Maybe I’m just young and naive but I feel that quite often bees can jump to the negative first. 

Is it possible that as he takes such pleasure in discussing these things he would also take a great amount of pleasure in doing it right? He sounds like a bit of a romantic, maybe he just wants it to be perfect?

I do agree that you need to help him along the way- what you want, why you want it and when. You have previously said you’re not ready multiple times!!! Communication is key!

Post # 19
665 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Crazy mood swings and ‘difficult personality’ are not what I consider ‘normal’ or something a lot of people have.  What do you mean by ‘difficult personality’/what behaviours does this represent? 

Post # 21
1629 posts
Bumble bee

“…I was borderline drunk, and I fear that I can start these conversations only under similar circumstances.” 

“But it doesn’t mean I will have to get drunk just to talk.”

Ummmm okay?? Your OP and your update contradict each other completely. You’ve done quite a bit a backpedaling in your update. 

Anyway, it seems you were just fine with the advice you received awhile back and followed it, but now that you’re receiving some feedback you may not like, all of a sudden you’re telling a PP how a lot of our advice doesn’t make sense and it’s toxic here. What a slap in the face to the people who took the time to respond to you. 

You came here asking for advice and now you’re complaining about it because you don’t like what some of us have to say. You can’t have it both ways 

Post # 22
5562 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

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vanessa9090 :  you said you suspected that you had undiagnosed bipolar disorder. I can’t even say that I’m sorry that my comment to get a diagnosis was seen in a negative light.

It sounds like you think you were exaggerating, but I’m not going to apologize for telling someone to not self diagnose. I’m also not going to let someone shrug off unhealthy behavior because “that’s just me”

People might think that’s negative, but I don’t view it as helpful to ignore those glaring problems. Those are big barriers to living a happy, healthy life and I will call it out when I see it “I have a difficult personality, maybe undiagnosed bipolar disorder, I have anxiety, it just is what it is and my boyfriend is all calm with me so it’s all good”. None of that is healthy.

Post # 23
5008 posts
Bee Keeper







yes this place can get really negative, that’s why some bees take break from it…it can get really toxic. It’s ok to disagree, it’s just some people are very harsh…and this is supposed to be a place of support. If you read most threads on here, most of the time the only advice you get is leave your SO. Yes, sometimes it makes sense but in a lot of cases it doesn’t”

Seriously? The people who say this are the generally the ones in bad relationships, who aren’t ready to pull the plug yet, they aren’t even ready to face reality, they just want to complain to someone and receive “support”. Consequently posters are being harsh and mean by pointing out that their SO’s behavior is not cool. 

So how about this:

Way to go, bee.That’s a great idea to get drunk and talk about important decisions!  Bipolar, manic, depressed, Who needs a diagnosis anyway? You keep avoiding those mental health professionals. The best you can do is have some more drinks and talk some more, because I know it’s really difficult to be straightforward with the person you want to marry!

Don’t worry, your time will come come, after all your boyfriend talks about weddings all the time. And if it’s been a busy year I totally see why he’d want to postpone asking you to marry him. Maybe he’s just trying to surprise you!

Is that better? More along the lines of what you wanted to hear?

Post # 24
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2019

This guy sounds like a saint for putting up with a)the blatant disrepect from you by pining over your former partner b)your wishy-washy behavior towards marriage and expecting him to read your mind.

Either get out of your own way here, or get out of his.

Post # 25
10242 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

If that’s what you have to tell yourself then okay. 

Post # 26
871 posts
Busy bee

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vanessa9090 :  If English isn’t your first language, you’ve mastered it enough to be considered fluent. I work with international students and in your opening post your grammar, syntax and diction are actually above average. So I’m having a difficult time seeing how, even allowing for cultural and language differences ‘suspect undiagnosed bipolar’ could be taken any other way and even less so how it could be used as an offhand remark. I’m guessing this is simply backtracking because you want to talk about engagement and not the fact that brushing off serious mental health issues is problematic both to your own well being and your relationship. 

I’m also not loving this recent Bee trend of OPs attacking well meaning posters who take the time to offer advice just because they don’t like what they’re hearing. 

Post # 27
587 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2020 - Summer Camp!

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neverbeenstungbee :  “Too much excitement” could mean too many large expenses. If that’s the case, I’d say it’s reasonable to wait to save up. But he should have said that and made it clear if that was the case. She should ask what he meant by the excitement thing. 

Post # 28
11342 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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crustyoldbee :  

 Very well said, Bee, as usual.

It’s concerning if the OP is tossing about a term as meaningful as “bipolar” in a cavalier manner.

Post # 29
434 posts
Helper bee

You cannot expect your SO to be able to read your mind, you felt ready a while back but didn’t say anything till 3 months ago? You shouldn’t be building resentment till AFTER you’ve made your feelings clear. He can’t read your mind, he doesn’t know when your feelings towards marriage changed.

Give him time, a 1 year dateline for him after you insisted repeatedly that you weren’t ready everytime HE brought it up is perfectly reasonable. To me anyway. Three months is hardly enough time for someone running a business etc. to track down the perfect ring for his future wife. And he sounds like someone who would want a ring made from scratch. These things take time, ring shopping takes time, deciding on who to make it takes time.

And marriage is about 2 people, it’s not just about YOUR timeline and what you want, when you want. He must want it too. And he could have a different timeline for his own reasons. These are things you won’t know until you sit down and have an adult conversation, sober. Sit down, hash out a timeline, and stop being antsy about him taking too long, when you don’t have a timeline to start with.

As for being maybe-bipolar, get a diagnosis – if someone suspects they may have cancer, no one goes “it’s fine, it’s just maybe and plenty of people have it”, 99% of people will insist they go and get it checked it; mental health is the same thing, if you think something is off, GO SEE SOMEONE. 

Edit: Good grief, yes, most of the posts here end up with women saying “Leave him”. Why? Because people in healthy relationships don’t post about them on Relationship help forums. =.= So yeah, you’re also totally blind to selection bias. 

Post # 30
1403 posts
Bumble bee

So he has been talking about marriage. You said that you are not ready. 2 months ago you drunkenly told him that you at finally ready and want to proposal to be a suprise. Doesn’t really sound like you have been waiting long.

Maybe you should communicate this to him? You want to get engaged in 2019 and thebproposal to be a total suprise, but you no longer desire an exotic proposal and doing it at home is totally fine. You’ve given him a lot of mixed messages. Could be that he is just all talk, but also that he is trying to take everything you’ve said (ocean, abroad, exotic,not ready, type of ring) into consideration. And maybe not even taking drunken talk as serious.

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