Top priority: me or his family?

posted 4 months ago in Relationships
Post # 16
1234 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

Yikes. I’d bounce. He was perfectly honest with you and now it’s up to you to determine if it’s a dealbreaker.

Post # 17
6066 posts
Bee Keeper

This is totally normal in some cultures, and the new wives are expected to shut up and be last in their family. It comes full circle when her children end up marrying, and she does the same thing to new DIL. Horrible cycle IMO and I wouldn’t be able to deal with it. 

I’d believe what he tells you, and that is that you won’t be a priority to him now or ever.

Post # 18
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

100% agree with all pp.  Once a man is married, his wife and their marriage is top priority above all.  It is wonderful to have a close relationship with family but they should never be prioritized over a spouse especially regarding day to day decisions etc.  It is wonderful that he has shown and told you this up front.  Please do yourself and future kids a giant favor and believe him.  You cannot bet on this changing once you are married.  This is something that is rooted deep in him, enough to tell you flat out to your face.  If this is driving you crazy now, the best thing for you is to leave before making that ultimate commitment. 

Post # 19
239 posts
Helper bee

Oh I smpathize with you, Bee.  If you don’t mind me asking, is there a cultural difference?  I ask only because I was in a similiar situation.  Darling Husband is of a different culture, in which parents are placed as #1.  Now, as he is the younger son, it is not as pronounced as with his older brother.  I spent many years stressing my “leave and cleave” values, to which Darling Husband understood, and worked on.  After the wedding, we had a MAJOR boundary stomp by his parents.  He, of course, did not see what had happend anything but par for the course, however I LOST it.  I made it exceptionally clear lines were crossed, and I could not be in a marriage where I was not number one, nor in a 4 person marriage with his parents.  He finally saw it, truly, crystal clear, for what I think was really the first time.  This was a defining point in his views and behavior COMPLETELY changing for good.  Now, it seems your FH may be much more emeshed than your husband, and seems less likely to adapt his views on who is his priority after marriage.  This is how by Brother-In-Law is, and I have seen first hand the strain on my SIL and their marriage (who is of the same culture as my ILs fyi).  I, frankly, could not do it.  I know people on the bee often resort to “leave him” with more frequency than they change their underwear, however I would seriously, seriously think about your future.  It is alot to work through, so maybe even talking this out with a therapist may be helpful as well.  

Post # 20
300 posts
Helper bee

mrs2b70 :  I’m going to piggyback on this response.
I have a cultural difference with my fiancee and it has become very pronounced during wedding planning in terms of expectations and even “requirements” from his side. The wedding is viewed more as a family affair by his side, with them feeling they can make decisions on our behalf… whereas my family is happy to simply support the choices we make. It has been a very difficult 2 months of our relationship. My fiancee can clearly see the boundary crossing by his side however he is so used to it that he can’t seem to tackle it. He ended up having a meeting with his family and they are basically a stone wall. I even tried to talk to them (I regret this) and it is clear they will never change. They insisted that no matter how old their son is they will forever tell him what to do (when it comes to anything related to religion). We have started couples counselling to get a neutral perspective. I think it’s been helpful so far—- I think it was hard for my fiancee to see the boundary crossing since he’s grown up with it. It’s helpful to hear from a 3rd party that it’s not normal. I think people on this forum are very quick to suggest ending thingd but I think it’s worth doing counselling and seeing if you can work through it.

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