(Closed) TORN

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
525 posts
Busy bee

Tell him. Seriously. Tell him everything you have told us but in the same way you have told us… in fact maybe you should write him a long letter or email that way you can really think abut how it will be worded and emphasise how much you don’t want to pressure him in any way and you understand HIS reasons as well. You have to come to some sort of compromise for both your sakes. I have been in your shoes and I wrote him a very long email and we had one of the best talks ever and sorted so many things out -I’m still waiting but I will be engaged hopefully at the beginning if 2011 and all we are waiting for is for him to save up for the ring at this stage.

Another thing that might be worth doing is ask yourself why exactly YOU want to get married…. try to see it from his point of view -is it just because you feel “it’s time” and you don’t like being labelled his girlfriend anymore? Please don’t take this in the wrong way… I’m not saying that you don’t have a reason to be married and in fact I don’t believe that you need a reason to be married but someone asked me this about 7 or 8 months ago and I couldn’t answer properly… it wasn’t because I didn’t have a better reason it was because I had never thought about where my need to get married came from really. It really helped me see it from his point of view and then explain it to him in terms he could understand. Guys don’t always understand why women are so keen to get married by a particular point, especially if children are not in the picture just yet.

I don’t think you should walk away in the new year – explain all of this to him and then start “Mr Bee’s plan to getting engaged”… be yourself and let him be the one who beings up marriage. But only after you have made it very clear where you stand on the matter.

Post # 4
667 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Wait until after New Year, it sounds like he has something planned for you really soon and doesn’t want to spoil it. If no proposal happens, sit him down and tell him that you both agreed to a summer 2011 wedding and you don’t want to do any planning without being engaged first and how fast it’s coming. Let him have a chance to repsond to everything and see what he has to say. He might not realize how much time is needed to plan a Destination Wedding or he might have thought of a late summer wedding, like maybe August which would be 8 months away.. Don’t leave him just because the engagement hasn’t happened yet.

I totally get the “not wantint be jsut a girlfriend anymore” thing as well. Everyone pretty much knows my bf and I want to get married but I hate the girlfriend title as well when I feel our relationship is much deeper than that. In the end, titles aren’t that big a deal since it doesn’t change what you mean to your SO, but the word girllfriend can be irritating sometimes. Hang in there, I think he has something up his sleeve for you.

Post # 5
1325 posts
Bumble bee

I’m not saying this lightly, but at this point I would stick to your deadline. I know it will be hard, it’s going to be hard either way. Just consider how this is tearing you up!

Would living separately at least give you some peace? There are so many options, something has to be better than being so miserable. I know you said the relationship is good, but this seems to be eating you up.

I would recommend getting by yourself and finding some peace. I’m not saying that you HAVE to end the relationship, since there is still a chance someday that he will propose, there is a chance he wont. You have no way of knowing, so again, find some peace.


Side note, you said that you had been doing good for months. I’ve noticed that guys tend to not notice the “good” times as quickly as women sometimes do. Before being “good” for a few months, you were having breakdowns etc etc, this may not have… left his perspective on the situation if that makes sense.

You say “I’ve been good for SO LONG!”

He says “You’re constantly getting upset about it and hounding me.”

Does that make sense? I guess I’m trying to say that quite often women are more adaptable than men. Even when they are needing to adapt to a “better” situation, the previous situation is still affecting them because of a slower adaptation.

Post # 6
1361 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Personally, after 3 1/2 years, I would expect a commitment.  Especially if you’ve been living together for 2 years, I mean…it’s not like you’re long-distance and don’t know each other’s quirks and such.

I think you should wait until the new year.  With Christmas, and New Years, alot of guys will be proposing, so before you up and leave, perhaps wait it out.

Then in the new year, sit down with him, tell him how you feel (what you just told us).  Maybe suggest he move out while you continue to date.  Perhaps that way he won’t feel so “comfortable” (he basically has a wife now, why would he propose and go through all the wedding planning?) and realize what he has. 

I found we get ourselves so worked up about “extremes” of things (either proposed to or we’ll break up), and sometimes we have to work out a compromise, at least while we decide what to do.  Perhaps that isn’t right in your situation, think about it and see what gives you peace.  5 years down the line are you happily married with him?  Or to someone else?

Post # 7
3587 posts
Sugar bee

((((hugs))) I know how you feel. I can only say you should tell him exactly what you told us here. I know he may say you are “getting upset” again, but he needs to know exactly how you feel. I agree with writing him a letter and trying to compromise. It may just be right around the corner.

Not to make this about me, but I can relate. We have a date picked out and no proposal yet, but the date is almost 9 months away. (DW wedding too.) I have a deadline too, but it’s one he gave me, so it makes it even worse.

Post # 8
1577 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@soon2bhis &@Tunacupcakes:  I agree with you both. 

I don’t think that you necessarily have to break up, but maybe living separately is something that you have to do.  I, too, would definitely be expecting commitment after over three years.  It’s not like you’re doing this out of “nowhere”.. he knows that you want to get married… and he’s had two years of living together to figure out if you’re “The One”.  It’s time for some decision making, buddy. 

Also, like the previous posters said, definitely have a talk with him… or write a letter/e-mail.  He needs to know exactly what you’re feeling, so if you do move out (or tell him to), he’ll know why.

Good luck, doll… hopefully your proposal is in the works & it won’t even come to all of this!!

Post # 9
148 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I TOTALLY feel you!  BUT!  If the only thing that is wrong with your relationship is that youre not engaged then why break up?  Are you happy? Does he treat you great?  You have obviously talked about the future and marriage and it seems like he DOES want to marry you!  I have one just like this! ๐Ÿ™‚  But we’ve been together almost 6 years (I know, right!? lol) 

Tell him how you are feeling but then step back and give him time!  It will definitely come and if you are happy otherwise let him do it on his own terms.  You also have to remember that men don’t understand what goes into planning a wedding so maybe he is thinking that a summer 2011 wedding is totally possible if he proposes in the next few months lol

Thinking about you and hoping an engagement is coming soon!! 

Post # 10
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I would at the very least have him move out so he knows that you are serious.  I can’t blame you, and I think you are doing the right thing, especially if it’s so emotionally draining on you.  Right now you aren’t engaged or even a hint of moving that way, think of yourself first!

Post # 11
3303 posts
Sugar bee

I completely get how you feel and I believe you are completely in the right- if he doesn’t make the deadline, talk to him about it again with your decisions (such as moving out) on the table. 2 years is more than enough time… and if he doesn’t see that, then changing up his comfortability will.

Post # 13
3303 posts
Sugar bee

well good luck- I hope to here GREAT news soon!

Post # 14
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

@PrettySedity: What an awesome guy friend to have.  He really gave you some sound advice, well as did the PP. 

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