(Closed) Torn about choosing BMs. Help me! *Poll*

posted 4 years ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: Which friends should I ask to be bridesmaids?

    BM #1

    BM #2

    BM #3

    None - stick to the three family members

  • Post # 2
    Member
    1182 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 2017

    I personally would not have a bridal party. If you really want one, bear in mind things like extra expenses to the people whom you ask. 6 on each side for a wedding of 100 may be too many, but honestly it’s whatever YOU want to do. I would not feel bad about not asking his sisters, irrespective of how much you like them, because they are still his sisters, not yours. I’d go with the people you truly want up there with you

    Post # 3
    Member
    1359 posts
    Bumble bee

    I think sisters only is a good line to draw. A 12-person bridal party is a lot for a 100-person wedding, IMO. 

    Personally, I’m not having a bridal party, and it’s made things SO EASY. 

    Post # 4
    Member
    6947 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2015

    I think #3 sounds like your closest friend, so involve her.  I don’t think not asking a work friend and a fading away ‘best’ friend rates the same at all.  It’s just nostalgia in my opinion.  Then you’ve got a party of 4 – not too huge but you still have a friend there as well as relatives.  If you still feel bad about the other two, ask them to do a reading or something.

    Me, I wouldn’t involve an in-law at all.  If he wants them in the wedding, they should be on his side.  But you do say you’re close, so I guess that counts as friends, too.

    Post # 5
    Member
    4500 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    Either do just sister + sisters-in-law, or all 6. Don’t try to pick between the 3 friends. 

    6 is not too many for a bridal party, if that’s what’s holding you bavck.

    Personally, though, I did sisters only. That was a drama-free way of choosing, for me.

    Post # 6
    Member
    1115 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2017 - Mississauga Convention Centre

    Our bridal party is just family no friends

    Post # 7
    Member
    1350 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2017 - The Lodge at Little Seneca Creek

    Are you against uneven parties? Why not just do his 3 close friends on his side and your 3 close friends and family (6) on your side?

    Also, is there a reason 3 (or fewer) is better than 6? We always knew we were going to have 2 on each side (sisters and their SOs), so I’m not really sure if there’s a financial reason or anything for having fewer wedding party members.

    Post # 8
    Member
    2668 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2016

    Persoanlly, I would add your college friend to the lineup but not the other 2 girls. You’re obviously still very close with your college friend and your Fiance is also friends with her. I personally wouldn’t include the childhood best friend or work friend – you’ve pretty much explained why already (you’ve drifted apart from the first and may not stay in touch with the second if you no longer worked together). Of course you should invite them to the wedding, but I don’t think leaving them off the bridesmaid list is a big deal.

    For what it’s worth, one of my sisters (2 years younger than me) is my Maid/Matron of Honor and the other (13 years younger than me) is a bridesmaid. My best friend is a bridesmaid and so is one of my FSILs (my Fiance has three sisters but we decided to only ask the one that we are both closest to; there were no hard feelings, but leaving only 1 out would have been asking for drama).

    Post # 9
    Member
    7638 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I voted for #1 only. In my opinion, bridesmaids are your oldest, best friends. She was so close for so long, and there doesn’t seem to have been a rift. I know there are many stories on this site about how old friends who you’ve drifted part from can make cr*ppy bridesmaids, but I think those stories are the exceptions, and when you dig deep you find they were cr*ppy friends in the first place. If you’re on good terms and she’s always been a good and loyal friend, I would include her.

    #2 is a definite “no” for me: you have known for too short a time and will probably stop being close once one of you changes jobs.

    #3 is a “maybe”. The fact that you’ve only known her for 3 years, and you weren’t in her wedding, means you can safely leave her out. But it’s also probably safe to include her if you feel you need to to balance numbers.

    Post # 10
    Member
    88 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: June 2016

    I would add all 3. To me they seem like very close friends. 6 is certainly not too many. I think that you’ve had such a hard time deciding is a good indicator. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    1602 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2017

    Bridesmaids seem to be a really important choice with weddings, and can become a major pain point as exemplified on these boards. I think that you should include anyone in your wedding party that you WANT to include, and not who you might feel obligated to include. You want people in your bridal party who are going to support you and not want to cause drama (read: want to do what’s best for you). I think BM# 3 sounds like a great choice, especially since you and your fiancé are so close to her and her hubby.

     

    I also think it speaks volumes that you wrote that #2 is a calming influence. I honestly think that that’s really important. 

     

    FWIW, I have 4 on my side. My Maid/Matron of Honor is my current best friend that I met 3.5 years ago. She turned my world upside down in the best possible way, and if it wasn’t for her – I wouldn’t have a lot of good things in my life, including my fiancé. This is her first time being an Maid/Matron of Honor (she is a few years younger than me) and so far is a rock star, eager and ready to DIY all the things (she offered) and has already expressed she is open to whatever dresses will work with harder to dress bridesmaids. 

     

    I have my 2 sisters as matrons of honor – they’re older than me and have each been married ~20 years. They’ve also been very helpful and are very open. 

     

    And last, is my bridesmaid – really a title only. When she got married 2 years ago, she had so much drama with her bridesmaids. She would go out shopping with them, and they’d be at each other’s throats, completely ignoring that she was seeking their help about her. They just wanted to make it about them. I, not in the bridal party, took her out to brunch and shopping for things she needed and gushed with her while her bridal party was too busy being wrapped up in themselves and their drama. She also has suggested DIYing all the things, and when I asked her for some advice about a wedding venue logistical issue, came back with viable and helpful options that were extremely well researched – it blew my mind!

     

    All that to say – planning a wedding is a huge undertaking, as I’m sure you already know. You are likely going to have a million ideas and, admittedly, be a little fickle. You want people in your bridal party that are going to have your back and be patient with you (bad have the time and energy to) and support you (and that you want to support and gush over back). I’m sorry this was so long- I’ve just seen the fallout from poor bridal party choices and don’t wish that on anybody!

    Post # 15
    Member
    1602 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2017

    View original reply
    meggpie :  of course! I should add that my bridesmaid, I’ve also only been friends with for about 3-4 years but we have become very ingrained in each other’s lives (met through work, but her future SIL is an old friend of mine from high school and her brother works with my fiancé and they are friends). Actually, when I asked her – she told me how much she regretted her choice in her bridal party and had Her fiancé at the time been able to choose one more person on his side, she would have asked me (she also had told me this shortly after asking the members of her bridal party way back when).

     

    By comparison, I actually had a falling out with my oldest friend over…bum bum bum. Her wedding. We’d been best friends since kindergarten, and always said we’d be each other’s Maid/Matron of Honor. I never expected her to follow through on that promise, but when she got engaged she decided on a family only wedding and excluded me completely (nevermind that we were closer than quite a bit of her family). We’ve since reconciled, and it has actually left me with some weird feelings about what capacity I want her involved in my wedding. Just reassuring you that the loyalty you need here comes from the quality of your friendship rather than the longevity :). 

     

    How is about for BM#2, asking her to help you with a few wedding things and seeing how she handles it? And how it makes you feel? You don’t have to ask her today! 🙂

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