Torn about proposal and meaning of ring

posted 2 years ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
1475 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

Talk to him about it. Tell him you would like to work with him to fix up the ring and size it to your finger BEFORE he proposes. Have a conversation.

Post # 3
Member
915 posts
Busy bee

How do know he hasn’t done anything with it? What if he did and your jeweler aunt is just keeping her mouth shut? Maybe he has his own jeweler. Maybe he’s trying to prevent you from being so involved and ruining your own surprise. Maybe he thinks your controlling and he prefers to let you have imput over the ring or maybe he just wants your imput so he can make you happy!

Post # 4
Member
9940 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

You sound very picky – that’s not a bad thing! You just seem like a lady who knows what she wants so I can see why he would prefer to give you the ring in it’s original state and then let you go hog wild and make it exactly what you want rather than him having to guess and do it wrong and you dislike something about it. How fun would that be to be able to totally re-design the ring to be 100% perfect!

Don’t take it as you aren’t special and he’s lazy, take it as a compliment that he cares for you so much he wants the ring to be absolutely perfect and being self aware enough to know the way to make sure that happens is by including you in the process 100%.

 

Post # 5
Member
7416 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

The term “jipped” is an ethnic slur. In all fairness, it’s a bit of an antiquated one, but it’s still rooted in bigotry and the prejudicial notion that people from a specific ethnic group (the Gypsies, or Roma people) are dishonest, cheaters and swindlers.  We can find better ways to describe how we’re feeling without keeping these old ethnic slurs alive. 

 

Now that that’s out of the way, just talk to the guy. If you know he’s going to propose, just say “what have you got planned for the ring?”  It sounds like you’ve got specific expectations and if you want them to be met, you have to be clear and up-front about them.  

Post # 6
Member
3536 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

docinlove484 :  read these boards enough and you’ll soon learn that it’s not at all uncommon for women to have picked out their own rings entirely! My husband straight up said to me, “tell me exactly what you want because there’s no way in hell in going to try to make that decision.” Sounds like you have specific expecatations but also expect him to figure it out – it’s either or, but not both. If you have a specific expectation then you need to talk to him about it and tell him exactly how you’d like the ring altered before the proposal. 

Post # 7
Member
864 posts
Busy bee

My engagment ring didn’t fit, married him anyway. It never even crosses my mind, your post just reminded me. 

Post # 8
Hostess
9675 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

docinlove484 :  I think your heart is definitely in the right place and you just need to talk to him! Let him know that the ring isn’t your cup of tea, and that you want to be proud to show it off as it’s a symbolism of your commitment to one another. 

My D.H. and I designed my ring together. It’s kind of a long story, so I won’t get into the nitty gritty, but the bottom line is that while the mystery was taken out of the ring/proposal, we worked as a team to get something we both loved and that I am proud to wear. 

Congrats on your upcoming engagement. In the end it sounds like you do have a wonderful man that loves you a lot, so even if he doesn’t alter the ring in time, I think working together to get you something you love is always an option!

Post # 9
Member
6836 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

My ring didn’t fit. It was too big by 2 sizes. Didn’t make the proposal awkward at all!

Also, you do sound very picky. You obviously have specific preferences for your ring, which is totally fine. But I can imagine it would make more sense for you to alter it to your specific tastes after the proposal. Do you really want your bf to spend time and moneying altering a ring and then you still don’t like it and have to do it all over again? That doesn’t make sense so I can definitely see why he wants to propose first and then you can change it afterwards. 

Post # 10
Member
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

docinlove484 :  I do get where you’re coming from, but I’ll echo PP’s in saying that you should talk to him about it. Maybe he just doesn’t realize how important it is to you?

For what it’s worth, my ring was too big when Darling Husband proposed. He had seen something for my right hand, which is bigger than my left (he didn’t realize this) and went with that. We took it the next day to have it resized together. It didn’t stop me at all from wearing it around all night and watching the sparkle! It wasn’t awkward at all, so I wouldn’t worry about that too much.

Post # 11
Member
2037 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

docinlove484 :  a ring not fitting when you get engaged is only awkward if you make it awkward. Mine needed to be resized and he proposed without it actually. Also rings come in so many shapes, settings, styles – how is he meant to pick something that you’re going to love forever? You’re thinking that him picking a perfect ring is a sign you’re meant to be, I get it I used to have similar thoughts. But honestly I didn’t know what I wanted until I saw my ring, how is my husband meant to know which one out of the thousands he should pick?

The symbolism of the ring has been warped into this by movies and jewellery companies but originally it was in the place of a dowry.

I also think that if he’s planning to uproot his life and move across the country with you, he’s probably got a lot going on. So picking out a new ring is just another thing to worry about, especially if he doesn’t know if you’re going to like it.

Post # 12
Member
1966 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I think as women we grow up with these crazy notions that are spoon fed to us through movies and romance novels. Proposals should be perfect, and at a place with crazy significant meaning, such as the place of your first date or kiss, or Paris. Paris is big. For the proposal, the man should give this poetic speech that highlights the first time he saw you, and of course he remembers what you were wearing that day, and the first kiss you shared, and the night he realized he was falling for you, and the first night he said I love you. The ring is huge, and he managed to save for it without you knowing, and the diamond has no imperfections, is over a carat, and it’s everything the girl ever wanted because he followed her Pinterest page in secret. It’s all a huge surprise to the girl, and they never talked about it or time lines, and he proposes at the perfect time mark, such as the second anniversary of the day they made their relationship official.

I’m being over dramatic, but whether we want to admit or not, I think we all are at least somewhat influenced by the above scenario. Now with Instagram and Facebook, we even have “real life” visuals, with descriptions of acquantiances’ perfect proposal moments to which to compare ours.

I don’t think it’s wrong for you to want your guy to put some thought and effort into the proposal and the ring. However, I also think that most guys know about the same scenario we’ve been fed, and they worry about measuring up. When I got engaged, my then-boyfriend was worried about ring shopping together, because he thought that just “wasn’t done.” I’m so thankful I was involved in the process and that I helped pick the ring of my dreams.

In the end, my then-boyfriend was a little bit of a procrastinator, and had no idea of the time it takes to get a ring made. So, the ring didn’t come in time for the proposal, and he proposed with a stand in because he just couldn’t wait any longer to propose to me. He told me later he actually wanted to propose the weekend before the trip where he did propose, but couldn’t because of the ring. So, I laugh about it, and I adore him, because yes, he procrastinated, but because I love that he was so excited and impatient to propose to me and marry me.

So, your boyfriend might not do everything you want with the ring. But if he knows you don’t like the shape of the heirloom ring he’ll be proposing with, and he knows there’s a time line to propose before you move in together (I applaud you on this choice. I recommend waiting to live together until after engagement), then it might make sense for him to propose with the ring as is, and let you go and do your thing later. For the record, the ring that my husband proposed with was too big and we were worried it would fly off, so I didn’t even get to wear the stand in ring the weekend of that trip, and then had to send it off on Monday to get my real ring shipped to me, but it wasn’t awkward.

No moment is truly perfect. We’re all just human, and there are too many things that are beyond our control. At the same time, I think that a proposal that is perfect for you is the right proposal. So, let him propose with the ring as is, and then go and get it altered to what you want. You’ll be so happy that you have so much freedom. Think of all the women out there who didn’t get a say in their ring and who wish they could have had input, or want to change their rings, but their SO gets mad. Your SO is giving you free reign! Enjoy it, and enjoy whatever proposal he comes up with.

Oh, and my husband actually does remember what I was wearing the first time he saw me, so I guess I got a bit of fairy tale after all. 😉 You can too.

Post # 14
Member
369 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I actually see it the same as someone above – he knows you so well, that he knows that there’ll be a perfect style that you will be better suited to pick out yourself and love. He wants to give you an unaltered ring so that you can ensure it will be just what you envisioned. Beucase imagine if he did change it up completely, and you really didn’t like it? Just another way to see it – I do think that he’s put some thought into it!

Post # 15
Member
369 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Oops, just saw your reply that you left whilst I was commenting.

In that case, he is probably like my fiance – he knows absolutely nothing about rings, doesn’t know how to ask what to get or what to do and is nervous about messing it up. I ended up picking out my ring before the proposal because he was too overwhelmed haha. 

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