(Closed) Torn between my homophobic family and FI's gay father and family

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
723 posts
Busy bee

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hannchan :  I suppose you can’t change people’s bigoted views but I don’t understand why you aren’t making a bigger point to tell your family that you will not stand for their hateful comments directed towards your FIs father.  In my opinion it’s unacceptable. 

What do you think about them all being at the wedding?  

Post # 3
Member
5046 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

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hannchan :  Personally when I read these drama stories I feel like the couple should not plan the standard, big wedding. This one in particular hits me. Like, why should the fathers of the groom experience discrimination on what should be one of the happiest days in their lives? Will there be alcohol there? I ask becasue that can fuel the fire. Is your family outspoken and rude to gays or do they hold it in? I think I’d elope. And honestly, I couldn’t be around people like that, family or not.

Post # 4
Member
2163 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - Valleybrook Country Club

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hannchan :  Wow, that’s a really tough spot bee. I would hate to have an altercation between families at the wedding. Would you condsider a small wedding without extended family? If so, I would have a conversation with your immediate family about it and ask that they be respectful of FIs family regardless of their personal views.

Post # 5
Member
9439 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

I wouldn’t invite them. My SIL insisted on inviting her homophobic uncle to her and my brother’s wedding. Despite the fact that he has said horrible, vile things to my brother’s best man who is gay. He was extremely upset and had a lot of anxiety leading up to the wedding about having to be anywhere near these people. And it caused a lot of fights between my brother and SIL because my brother was pissed that she seemed to care more about her jackass, homophobic uncle than his best man who is a good friend to her and whom my family considers family.

This isn’t the kind of behavior I would be okay just sweeping under the rug.

Post # 6
Member
26 posts
Newbee

I wouldn’t invite your family. At this point, it’s not even about ‘taking sides’. It’s about letting people know that racism, homophobia, sexism, discrimination of any sort is not okay and will not be tolerated. If not inviting them will cause drama perhaps you could have private ceremony and avoid all the hassle if that is an option you are comfortable with. 

Post # 7
Member
7268 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Ugh, this is so hard bee. I can really see both sides here. Your parents have some bigoted views, but they’re still your parents and you love them and probably can’t even imagine your wedding day without them by your side. On the other hand, your Fiance understandably is protective of HIS parents and has no tolerance for pepole who would make hateful comments about his dad.

It’s such a tough situation. I know this is the standard suggestion on the bee, but I would really suggest premarital counseling to help you guys with this. DH and I had issues with our parents too when we were planning the wedding (ours were related to religion, not homosexuality). I won’t go into all the drama here but DH and I needed to make a certain decision and we were just at a standstill. We talked about it constantly but could never reach an agreement. We decided to see a therapist together, and it was SO helpful. Her main point was: “decide what type of couple you guys want to be, and prioritize that over everything else.” 

So, if you are feeling like you and your Fiance are just going in circles whenever you talk about this, I would really strongly consider seeking help from a professional. It was so beneficial to us. Good luck!

Post # 8
Member
7964 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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hannchan :  Is your immediate family capable of keeping their horrible prejudices to themselves and being respectful of and to others on your wedding day? Perhaps remind them that it is not their place to judge…

If they are not capable of being kind and respectful to other people at your wedding, regardless of their reasons, they should stay home. 

Post # 9
Member
9215 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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hannchan :  can your family behave and be civil for a day even if they are homophobic jerks? If so I’d invite them, but if you know they will say something rude then I’d exclude them. 

Post # 10
Member
1189 posts
Bumble bee

Could your homophobic keep their feelings to themselves during the wedding? Please don’t think for a second that I am saying that their homophobic viewpoints are okay, bc clearly discrimination is NEVER okay and I certainly am not justifying it.

That said…. your family and you FI’s family would just have to inteact a handful of times during planning and at the wedding.  If your family can keep their viewpoints to themselves and be polite to  your fi’s dads, then there may not be drama. They dont’ have to accept their lifestyle, they just have to be polite for a handful of hours. Alternately, if they would be openly rude, hostile, disrespectful, etc… then forget it. I wouldn’t want to go down that path. Elope instead as the PP have suggested.

 

Post # 11
Member
98 posts
Worker bee

Yikes. That’s really hard. Do you fear them being outright rude? Not acknowledging him? Making comments about the adoption? Or silently judging? Honestly, depending on your relationship w your family, I would have a very serious sit down to discuss what conduct is acceptable and explain your concerns. Weddings are not events where anyone should be voicing dissenting religious or political views. If they will not agree to be cordial and polite, then I absolutely agree w your Fiance that they should not be invited. Sorry.

FWIW, my SO’s family is SoBaptist. His nephew’s paternal grandfather is gay and last summer he was nice enough to host SO’s nephew’s 2nd birthday b/c he has  pool. SO’s parents refused to go the party b/c they “didn’t support his lifestyle”. They’ve made comments about not going to specific florists b/c “while he does great work, he’s a homosexual, so we don’t use him”. It’s so hard for us b/c we are the oppositve – very tolerant and openminded, so their beliefs seem so archaic.

Good luck.

Post # 12
Member
3979 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

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hannchan :  Sorry, but you love them despite their “flaws?” These people don’t have flaws–they are bigoted homophobes. Let’s call a spade a spade, here. I wouldn’t be able to be around family members who expressed these types of views. In fact, DH’s family has many people who espouse bigoted views like this and we do not participate in events with them. 

If you don’t know if your family will be able to put aside their differences and attend your wedding QUIETLY, they don’t get to attend. Period. Guests should not be making anyone feel uncomfortable at your wedding. 

Post # 13
Member
2236 posts
Buzzing bee

Apparently, I’m the odd man out here but…. I have a zero tolerance policy with shit like this. If you want to choose to judge and hate others for their race, sexual orientation, gender identity, religion, etc… then I really have no use for you in my life. And I really don’t care how nice you “otherwise” are. 

I get that it’s your family, but I have absolutely cut family out of my life for long periods of time until they learned that it just wouldn’t be tolerated around me. 

So – obviously, in your shoes, I’d have had a CTJ with them a LONG time ago – and they probably would already have been 90% distanced by now. And had they not come around by wedding time, then no, no invite for them.

THEY are the ones causing the problem here – not your FI’s fathers. 

Post # 14
Member
4357 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I agree with PP that it is totally deendant on how you expect them to behave. if they’ll keep their mouths shut, I would invite them. Because while I think their views are disgusting, they are also your parents, and you don’t have to love everything someone believes to love THEM. 

If they can’t (which I assume is the case, or your Fiance wouldn’t care), sorry. No invite. A wedding is a time to celebrate love and family, and if you want to fill it with hatred and insulting others’ families, you have no place.

Post # 15
Member
334 posts
Helper bee

1. Be clear with your family about expectations for their behavior. 

Sit down with your family. Point out the good people you know who don’t think gay sex is ethical. The Dalai Lama, for example. Affirm their right to reject as immoral any set of sexual practices.  Explain that their daughter (you) have turned out to be a good person, and as a good person you wish to make sure every guest feels as welcome as possible at the parties you host, including your wedding. This means making sure good manners rule the day. Explain who will be at your wedding and ask your parents point blank about whether they can exhibit the required behavior. Describe explicitly the behavior you want to see and what you don’t want to see. Don’t just say “can you be nice?” or “can you be respectful?” Say: “can you smile? can you shake their hand? can you eat beside them? can you refrain from commenting on their sex lives?”   – whatever it is you think is minimum respectable behavior. 
  

2. If they say yes, hire security and use them if your behavioral expectations are not met.

I have had this conversation a few times with future invitees of my wedding. People feel strongly about politics, religion, sex, divorces, alcohol consumption.  If you have a large enough wedding and a diverse enough group of friends, it will happen that your guests disapprove of each other somehow. The question is if they can behave like civil adults with those they disagree with. If you have any doubt, ask them. You will be surprised how honest people can be!

—————————————–

If this is not an option, I recommend you skip the big white wedding. Elope. UNLESS:

You do not have an interest in maintaining/having a positive relationship with your parents in the future, with grandkids, etc. If you don’t care about that, bombs away.

 If you do care — not inviting your parents to your wedding will be very damaging to the chances of you being able to do that. Especially if they figure it was your Fiance who prevented them from seeing their baby get married. Very damaging, and no do-overs. 

Tough situation for sure – tread carefully. 

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