(Closed) Torn between starting my career or starting a family

posted 7 years ago in TTC
Post # 16
660 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

It sounds like you have a tough decision. I say do what your heart feels is right. You don’t want to feel any regret about past decisions in the future. No one can tell you what the best option is for you right now, only you and your husband can decide that and it sounds like he’s behind you 100%.

I don’t have any health issues that I know of that could potentially impair my ability to have children but I am on that crossroads where I’m trying to make up my mind as to whether I should start my career or start planning a family. I finish my enrolled nursing (like the US licensed practical nurse) course this August. I am getting married April next year but I am torn as to when I should start my RNs. Lucky for me, with the path I have taken it will only take 2 years of full time study at uni. I will be 30 next year but with the wedding and all, I don’t think I should start uni until 2016 but by then I’ll be 31 and so by the time I’m working as an RN, I will probably be 33 or 34 and wanting to establish myself in my career… so I son’t know where I’ll get the time to have babies (even though this is something I want dearly)!

I have educators who have suggested I take on distance education university courses in nursing and maybe take on a couple of units a year so that I can still work and earn money and perhaps even start a family. I think, in the long run, it’s a doable, even if you had to study and have kids at the same time, you’d make it work.

Post # 17
6065 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2012

View original reply
ashley050406:  If I were in your situation, I would probably try for a child first. Maybe you can get a more detailed analysis from your doctor based on your diagnosis and age- and what your chances would be if you waited 4 years from now to try to conceive.

If the chances would be significantly slimmer if you wait, then it’s really lucky that financially you can put the career on hold for a bit.

My Mom got her Masters & PhD when I was in elementary school and junior high, and I never felt like I didn’t have enough time with her.

  • This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Evie19.
Post # 18
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

I agree with PPs… your age is the defining factor here. If you are 25, I say wait to have children. If you are 35, don’t.

Post # 19
1913 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - backyard in the woods

What is your age? How many kids do you want? Does your Endo give you pain that interferes with your day? Have you recently had a laproscopy or do you plan to have one? These things all would affect my response.

Depending on your particular Endo you could have no issues having kids as soon as you start trying, or it could take years. If you are in your mid-twenties or earlier I’d say go to school, 30 or later, kids first. This is coming from someone who found out they had mild/moderate Endo a few years ago at age 30 due to severe pain, while in my M.S. program. Depending on your pain level, it may or may not interfere with your schooling anyways, it did for me.

However, if you have had a lap recently or have another in the future I’d lean towards trying right afterwards, since it’s known to increase fertility for about 6 months, and if you’ve had it done trying right away may prevent you having to have another one in the future specifically for fertility, as the benefits wear off pretty quickly. I’m having to have a second laproscopy soon since we didn’t TTC until about a year after my first laproscopy and we’ve had no luck trying for 10 months, plus my pain is back with a vengence.

Post # 20
9129 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

If you have endo I would say sooner rather than later because the longer you wait, the more difficulty you will probably have getting pregnant.  My Mother-In-Law waited too late for a second pregnancy and ended up with a hysterectomy instead.

It will be difficult to go back to school with an infant or toddler but if you really want a family, unless you’re confortable with infertility treatments and possibly adoption, TTC may need to be a priority right now.  I went to law school at 21 and many of the best students were moms that decided to go back to school once their kids were older (and quite a few got pregnant during law school.)

Post # 21
756 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’m a nurse, and there were a ton of women who were a little bit older with kids. They actually seemed to do better than those of us who were the typical college age. I would say to go ahead and have kids first, and then go back to school. I only have an associates degree in nursing and I’m going back and getting my bachelor’s degree now. I’m pregnant and and going to take off for a little while and then the rest of the program is all online, so I’m going to do that while staying home with the baby. Maybe you could look into an associates degree program since it takes less time. Then when you go back for the bachelor part it’s online and easier to do with kids.

Post # 22
963 posts
Busy bee

It sounds like a tough decision, but if it were me, personally, I would regret not TTC now if I eventually couldn’t have children down the road. It’s just not a risk I would take. You can always go back to school after children.

Post # 23
1609 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

It depends on how old you are really. There is never really the “perfect” time to have kids. If you are afraid of future fertility I’d be inclined to have at least 1 child now. There were women with small children (ie babies) in my best friend’s med school class so I wouldn’t worry about that. Have a serious discussion with your husband about how much he will be expected to help out when you’re at school.

Post # 24
2942 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Why can’t you do both?  TTC can happen the first time at bat, or it can happen after 2 years of trying.  I would at least start on school, and then when you get pregnant, you can make the decision of if you want to stay or take a pause.  Look into programs that allow you to take a pause and start back up.

My Future Sister-In-Law had a 6 month old when she decided to go back to school for respitory therapy, and got pregnant with their second child right before her second to last semester.  She interviewed for and got her first job out of school 7.5 months pregnant.  They had a lot of help from their parents, but it really can be done. 

Post # 25
4424 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I think you should do whatever you actually feel you want the most. You don’t want to regret the order you do either of these major things. It would be awful to have a baby and regret not becoming a RN, just like it would be to finish school and then have trouble/not be able to get pregnant due to endo. This sounds super cheesy, but what does your heart tell you? Are you ready to be a parent now or do you still want a few years. If you want a baby now, know you can have a baby and still go through school. My sister graduated college at  the “normal” age of 22, but with degrees she couldn’t use. She went through an accelerated nursing program after my niece was born. It was hard, made harder by the fact that she is also a single parent. You would have your husband their to help with the baby and other stuff. It still wouldn’t be a breeze, but people make it happen every day because they want to. If you think a baby is still few years away, you could finish as much coursework as possible and then come back to the remaining a few months after the baby arrived. Good luck!

Post # 26
1732 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I don’t see why starting both isn’t an option.  You very well may not get pregnant right away, especially with some health concerns.  You could get some classes done easily while TTC.

You might also consider a nursing school program instead of a 4-year BSN program.  You might be able to work in your chosen career sooner and go back to complete the BSN later on.

Post # 27
330 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
Mermaid1082:  +1000

I dont see why you cant do both? I know of plenty people who have been in school while starting/raising a family. Its not unheard of. You can do both!! Its ultimately your decision but if you decide to wait, why not sync it so that you are going to school when your children are in daycare/school (This applies if you dont want to be a SAHM) You can take classes online now, classes on the weekend, I just dont see why you feel like you have to choose one over the other.

Post # 28
6933 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011 - Boy #1 12/2015, boy #2 02/2018

It really depends as it’s your own personal choice, but as someone in school and seeking a doctorate degree, I can tell you that if I have had a baby years ago even though age-wise was ideal, I wouldn’t be able to perform and work as much as I have so far. I think once a woman hits age 27/28 she needs to evaluate where life is heading. For me, being 29 now and having another year or so in the program means I would start TTC now and hopefully have a baby in the next year. I would rather have the baby before starting a good job than getting pregnant right away. Now, if I could have managed to gain more work experience in my field and have babies in my mid-twenties then go for my PhD, I think I would have done that too. I think your decision boils down to whether you can wait a few more years and go back to school after having kids or wait until much later. In my mind, the ideal age to start a family is 26-31 where you still have enough room to have 2-3 babies or get on some fertility treatment and not too late where you must go for fertility treatment. 

Post # 29
2864 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

View original reply
ashley050406: It also depends on how many years left you have of your program. I don’t see why you don’t do both at the same time. My mom quit school and her job when she started her family and it was very limiting when she needed to have options when I was younger. 

She’s now in her 50s, with no retirement and starting over. In some ways, I wish she had kept working because she would have had more options, more independence and been a good example / mentor to me in my career. You want to make sure that even if your DH supports your family 100%, you can still take care of you and your kids if heaven forbids you need to. It’s best to hope for the best and plan for the worst.

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