(Closed) Torn – call of engagement to great guy

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
635 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I read this, and skimmed back over it again, and I’m pretty sure you never said you love this guy. I think you need to be in love to get married. And if you love him, stop looking for outside happiness in train guy. That can only cause problems, even if y’all do just talk right now.

Post # 4
Member
1361 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

If you are not comfortable supporting him, and that’s a deal breaker for you, then it’s time to break this deal.  He isn’t going to change.  If he wouldn’t change before, he won’t change after you’re married.  You also shouldn’t stay with someone just because they would be devasted if you left.  You need to decide what’s best for you and what’s best for your daughter, as she should be your priority over him.

Post # 5
Member
686 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@malhs:  I also noticed you didn’t say you love this man once. Additionally, you note how devestated he will be if you call off the wedding. Are you not emotionally invested in it at all? I’d think from what you’ve written that it’s best to let this man go and find someone who loves him. Hopefully the good karma will bring you someone who you love.

Post # 6
Member
9687 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@malhs:  All I can tell from your post is that you really do not love this man.  It would be doing him a favor in the long run, despite your concern for his “devastation,” to call off the wedding. 

You’re accusing him, essentially, of using you.  I think you’re using him for “security” equally as much as you feel he’s using you for money.

Get out of it.

Edit:  Don’t mean to sound harsh but that “tit for tat” sh*t irks me.  I wouldn’t want to be with someone who kept track of every little dime we each spent.

Also:  You said, about train guy:

He is a partner at a law firm, has a beautiful house with a pool, and has lots of friends and a social life on his own separate from his girlfriend’s.  It seems that these material things are important to me.  I’m not materialistic but I do know how money issues can damage a relationship firsthand and I want to be taken care of by a guy for a change.  This guy’s security represents security for me and my son as well and a path to a better more secure life.

I’m truly confused at how a man with a girlfriend already can represent “security” for you . . .  ??   Wtf??

Post # 7
Member
2825 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I’m with PP’s, you haven’t said that you love this man… So leave.  You will be doing him a favor…

And if this random train guy has a girl friend then there is no future there either… So don’t even go there.

Post # 8
Member
1925 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I agree with PPs, you clearly don’t love this guy.  For his sake, break it off.  But, once you are single, don’t go chasing after the train guy!  He has a girlfriend!

Post # 9
Member
3583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Sunfire:  To be fair, the only reason she probably started keeping track ($9 for a piece of pie – are you shitting me, OP??) is because it happened so damn frequently that it became second nature to see just how far he could go.  Otherwise, I agree with everything else you said, including that she’s using him for emotional security.  The only thing is that she may just trying to be factual as she hasn’t really gone into why her fiance is awesome other than the security part.  I think she needs to eleborate a bit.

I think she was just comparing the other dude’s obvious financial security and how it aligns with her.  I don’t think she meant that they were a perfect partnership or anything.  I think.

Post # 10
Member
9687 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@WillyNilly:  Ok, but she also makes twice as much money as he does.  My Fiance makes a lot more money than I do, and I do my best to always pay my share.  And he has never once made me feel bad that he spends more than I do.  I would feel like crap if he did.  If she makes more, then I don’t see why she’s griping about paying more.  If it were a man griping about paying more for his Fiance, and he made twice as much money as her, we’d rip him a new one.

Post # 11
Member
262 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I am completing my doctorate and my ex drove a truck (yes he misrepresented that he was Managing Director of the company but that is a whole other matter). My ex had no post secondary education and kept referring to all my degrees. He always spoke to my getting a big job and his coming along and I started to get resentful, not of his being a truck driver but that I felt that he was putting all the pressure on me to provide in the long run. So believe me when I say I understand. I also understand how it feels when you cannot communicate at what you consider your normal level. In no way does it make the man dumb, it is just that your professional conversation is quite different from your man’s normal conversation. The best question you can ask yourself is do you love him and better yet, do you love him enough to forge ahead with the relationship and pending marriage? If not then let him go and do yourself a favour.

I get your hesitance in this situation based on your first marriage, I really do, but I am sorry but your post sounds like it is all about the money. Basically if your Fiance cannot match you in income you sound like you will never be fully happy with him. I would say that if you cannot love him for who he is then leave him to find someone who will. I do not say this lightly but I have seen so many relationships tank because the woman looked down or resented the man for not being as smart enough or having the ability to earn as much. If you cannot see this working then as much as it will hurt now, it is better to separate than getting married and subsequently divorcing over issues that are already so apparent.

At the end of the day, I am sorry that your Fiance cannot measure up to what you want, whether by his choice or his circumstances and no woman should want someone to mooch off them but be sure that the grass does not only look better on the other side because the other guy has/makes more money. money is not everything….

Post # 12
Member
262 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@Sunfire:  true…my Fi makes twice what I make and he doesn’t complain about taking care of me, he never tallies that he buys most things and loves to do so. I find it a case that as women we are sometimes easy to accuse men of mooching but sometimes we as women are guilty of the same practice whereas we call it “being taken care of’. 

@WillyNilly: I confess that would annoy me too. he could have paid for the slice of pie but then just last week a guy took my sister out to grab a bite and then busied himself with the phone while SHE looked for money to buy. That was their last date! lol

Post # 13
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

$1200 for a stove and he paid for it voluntarily?  It doesn’t sound like he’s not willing to pay for things.  It just sounds like he wants to pay for things when he thinks they are necessities, not wants.  But I agree with many of the other posters.  You didn’t say you love him.  And you didn’t say how leaving him would hurt you.  In the end, it will be better for him if you leave.  Your financial goals are different.  Money is important to you to have for things that you want, not just things that you need, and he seems to be frugal.  Unless you can compromise, you will always look down on him for his monetary decisions.  He seems to be happy with who he is and doesn’t seem to want to change.  I’m not sure what the situation was with the abortion, but as I don’t know his reasons for not paying, it could be that he didn’t agree with the decision? You did say “I” made the decision to have a medical abortion.  Did he have a part in that decision?

 

As far as vacations and $9 pie, Florida keys, etc.  I make a pretty good salary.  Not great, but definitely enough to have a house that I bought as a single, pay a car payment, student loans, etc.  But things are tight.  My husband takes care of the finances because I suck at them and we simply can’t afford vacations.  Perhaps your Fiance doesn’t think he can afford to part with money for so many vacations, shows, etc.  He probably had a different financial upbringing than you did and finds it hard to part with his money, especially since, as a contractor, he is probably providing his own retirement?  He may just be thinking of the future, which as he is marriage minded, is likely.  If you make twice as much, it is easier to part with. 

Ok, the most obvious thing besides never saying you loved him is that even though you said he is great, you then pound out a list that makes it seem like you don’t really think he is that great, and you told him that you don’t want to get married.  There is your answer.  You don’t want to get married.  He does.  Let him go and let him find someone who shares his desires. 

Post # 14
Member
11272 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@malhs:  you are attracted to the train guy not b/c of his materialistic things, you are attracted to his perceived success.  in your mind, your fi is not successful  b/c if he was, he would be the breadwinner in the household.  you are beginning to resent your fi for not contributing his “share” of the finances.  let’s face it, if you were really in love and felt complete devotion to this man, you wouldn’t care about how much money he made or the variance of your contributions.  you have every right to feel the way you do, so don’t think i am judging you. 

you need to have an open conversation with your fi about your feelings.  i wouldn’t lead with his lack of income but you need to let him know that he is not the one you see spending the rest of your life with.  tell me i’m wrong but i believe neither of you should be wasting your time with each other if this is how you are feeling.  it would be unfair to continue to lead him on.  unfair for both of you.

Post # 15
Member
9687 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@islandbabes:  whereas we call it “being taken care of’.

Exactly!  In fact, OP used those exact words in her first post.

Post # 16
Member
3583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Sunfire:  Word, I am actually in the same boat as OP, I make more.  My fiance doesn’t go broke paying for stuff but he makes sure he does pay for stuff, just less frequently than I do.  I still want to be treated to something special, even if it’s a $9 piece of pie, you know what I mean?  If someone treated me to a free vacation, you bet your sweet ass I would try to find a way to pay for something – a massage, a scarf, breakfast, a couple of cocktails, SOMETHING.  It does sort of sound like he is used to her being the sugar momma and that sucks.

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