(Closed) Torn – call of engagement to great guy

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
1399 posts
Bumble bee

@Jade33:  I disagree completely.

What I meant to imply is that a 43 year old woman with a child *will* have more difficulty meeting a man than would a younger woman without a child. This is simply a fact.”  

I am much closer to 40 than 20 and I see women my age (with kids – the horror!) meeting men and having a great time.  In fact, they meet more well to do men than some 20 year old running around looking for deep pockets.  

Post # 48
Member
1399 posts
Bumble bee

All OP wants is for her Fiance to make the gesture of paying.  I have a male friend that feels the way you do.  He pays for everything.  She will not pull out her wallet to save her life.  He feels used just like the OP.

Post # 49
Member
395 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

@WillyNilly:  Certainly. Below are some links. As you will see it is a complex issue to study, but it is still pretty clear that it’s much easier for a young woman to find a husband than it is for an older woman to find a husband — let alone a rich husband! Which makes sense. First of all, the pool of potential mates is simply smaller as you get older (and your peers partner off), but there is also the problem that women in their 40’s are not only competing against other women in their 40’s: a 43 year old woman will also have to compete with women in their 20’s and 30’s for the same single men.

Having a child simply makes the logistics of dating more difficult. Even assuming that every eligible man would be happy to become a daddy figure (which isn’t realistic, I imagine a lot of great guys would be put off by a teenager), you still have to find a sitter, the time, etc., to go on dates. All more difficult with a child.

Again, this is not to say that the OP should settle. But she shouldn’t cross off an otherwise great relationship for superficial reasons. Because the chances of finding an equally great partner who is ALSO rich, at her age, is pretty much non-existent.

If she truly is not in love with her Fiance, as other posters suggested, then maybe she would be better off alone. But she said the sex is great, he responds quickly to criticism, they have similar interests, etc. Sounds like a pretty good relationship. And most likely, she’s kidding herself about rich Train Guy being remotely an option.

Post # 51
Member
995 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@malhs:  I’m reading a lot of excuses here in the OP….

You don’t seem to love this man…and I’m sure that he has a lot to offer the right woman, qualities that many women would love to have in a husband

But it doesn’t seem like he’s right for you, I actually cringed when you mentioned his back problems as a minus….like how mean would it be if the roles were reversed and a man was saying this was  a reason he didn’t want to marry his gf?

Also, the man on the train that you’re flirting with…has a girlfriend….and even if he didn’t, he may have made a list of your pros and cons and decided that your child is too muich of a burden for him to risk a serious relationship

Idk I’m not trying to be mean here, but when we see things in a mercenary way it can be pretty ugly. You either love the guy or you don’t. If you don’t, cut him loose and keep looking.

Post # 52
Member
396 posts
Helper bee

Money is the biggest issue in marriages, but honestly I make much more than my fiance does, but he saves every penny – so with my spending, my income and his income and his saving skills it doesnt seem to bother me.  I love him, he’s everything I wanted in a man and the way I see it now, my money is his money and vice versa! So I guess I don’t expect to be “taken on vacation” now even though we’re not married yet but just engaged, because when we go on vacation, we both know we deserve it and pay for it with OUR MONEY.  Good luck though! sounds tough.

Post # 53
Member
3580 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Jade33:  

1.  I would accept this if you could find me the same data from another dating website other than OK Cupid.  I also know for a fact that there are many people on there who aren’t even dating – they like the quizzes and articles and simply signed up to gain access to the content.  Plus, that’s only one data source which is unreliable. The results could be behaviorally encouraged from their marketing efforts (eharmony goes for virgins and christians, there are sugar daddy sites, etc).  I took stats TWICE (don’t ask), I know about data sets, girrrrrl.  😉

2. Didn’t work.

3.  I didn’t find this relevant since she’s on her second marriage (in theory, they’re not married yet) and your source listed men and women, both of which were in their 20’s who were marrying for the first time. 

 

Post # 54
Member
395 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

@WillyNilly:  Link 3 is relevant because it shows that most people are well below age 40 at their first marriage. Since at least about half of all marriages succeed (more than that for educated people), automatically this shows that there are fewer potential husbands available for our OP. Already half her dating pool is married!

Link 2 was to a NY times article looking at the research on marriage after 40 — I think it didn’t work because it was a pdf of the article, but if you google “marriage after 40” it’s one of the first results.

Even without this data, though, isn’t it just common sense that it’s a hellva lot harder for an older women to meet men? Especially rich older men? It is unfair and unpleasant, but I am close friends with several single 40-somethings who know this fact too well . . . It would seem criminally naive to pretend that a 43 year old woman can be just as picky as a 23 year old woman.

And even if a 43 year old woman was magically just as likely to marry as a 23 year old woman, why should she throw away a great relationship for superficial reasons?

Post # 55
Member
395 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

@WillyNilly:  Also, the data from OK Cupid is still quite good. ALL dating sites have a lot of inactive members. But the data in that article dealt with active members, too (like what age group of women to whom men will actually message, or consider dating — and obviously they don’t go for the over-40s much). Yes, it could be influenced by marketing but in what way? To educated white people? Again that doesn’t completely undermine the data. And, it may be one data source, but you find me one data source that shows how EASY it is for older women to find mates and I’ll eat my hat lol.

Post # 56
Member
3580 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Jade33:  Touche!!!  I give up.  🙂

Post # 57
Member
395 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Lol wow I’m shocked! A surprise on the internets (;

Anyway sorry if I got carried away, I just really care about this issue BECAUSE of my lonely girlfriends in that “40ish” age bracket. I hate to see someone throw away happiness based on unrealistic expectations.

Post # 58
Member
192 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - ceremony at a gazebo outside, reception at neighboring restaurant on a lake

Finance is the number once cause for divorce from what I’ve read.  My finace and I don’t have pooled account, but we don’t keep track of who is paying for what because we view our finances as one pool of money.  We talk about big purchases and we have talked about savings/retirement, etc. 

If you love this guy, and you are OK working and being a mom (rather than a stay at home mom) then why does it bother you that this guy makes less money?  It would be nice for him to pay for everything, but if he makes less than half what you make then he should be paying less than half of the bills. 

When finace was still in grad school, and I was working, I made more than 2x what he made.  So I told him I would pay for more than 2x our stuff.  Now he makes more than me and is likely getting a promotion soon and will be making twice what I make.  But once we are married, our money will be a pool of money (officially with joint banking accounts). 

What is more important to me is to make sure that once your money is a joint bank account that he isn’t going to be frivolously spend the family money.  Did he ASK you to take him on vacation or did you volunteer?  Maybe he wouldn’t have suggested it?  Maybe he is more frugal than you because he makes less money. 

I do agree with PPs that you didn’t mention that you love him but just that he is a great guy.  Only great guy + in love = successful marriage in my eyes.  Did you experience something in previous relationship financially that has made you wary of the actions of your fiance?

Good luck!

Post # 59
Member
2868 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Jade33:  They probably had the same issues meeting men in their 20’s. Some women just have difficulty for some reason. My dating pool didn’t really decrease between my 20s and 40’s, was probably highest in my thirties. Think of all the divorced men in their 40s, 50’s and 60s who become newly available and are uncomfortable dating women in their 20s.

Post # 60
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

The OP hasn’t come back to this thread.

The topic ‘Torn – call of engagement to great guy’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors