(Closed) Torn, caught him sexting. What would you do? Please help

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
7955 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I’m sorry, Bee, he doesn’t sound very committed to working on your marriage, does he? Lying to you by saying it was just a joke is only a further insult. 

Is there anything here worth saving, really? (If there is, fight for it!) As someone who stayed in a bad marriage for far too long–do you think the two of you can really get back to a happy place or are you just trying to avoid the failure and awfulness that are divorce? Because you can find happiness and joy after the feelings of failure and the negotiations and everything else. But staying in this miserable state is just miserable…

Post # 32
Member
1757 posts
Buzzing bee

talk to a divorce lawyer asap, take everything out of the joint bank account right before he gets served papers

Post # 33
Member
1045 posts
Bumble bee

Sorry Bee. I know this feeling all too well. Been there w/ my exhusband. I don’t believe this was a joke either or a first time thing. I’d also immediately leave or kick him out. 

 

Post # 34
Member
263 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

View original reply
alg0188 :  this happened to me in my last relationship. I dumped him. I was stupid enough to “forgive” him the first time but it kept happening and he kept denying it like your husband did. I read this and had a horrible flashback of it-I am so sorry bee. You don’t deserve that. Kick him out and leave him. You deserve someone who is loyal to you. He cheated and even if you do forgive him you’ll likely not ever feel the same way again, you’ll always worry and feel insecure about that. And that isn’t fair to you. 

Post # 35
Member
10308 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I’d drop kick him to the curb and then go out for pasta.

Post # 36
Member
173 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

you just got your exit ticket. Time to file for divorce. Even if you forgave him, it will always affect the relationship. 

Post # 37
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

So, this happened to one of my best friends, right before their wedding. They had been in a really bad place for a really long time, and he cheated (not sex, but made out with another girl), copped to it, and she decided to stay. 

It took about a year before it actually got better, and I’ve read enough about this to realize that’s unusual. They went through counseling. Extended long talks about the state of their marriage. All the things he needed to do in order to be completely transparent from this point forward. How they both needed to change in order to survive. What they wanted and expected from the other person, and what would be a total deal breaker the next time around. She was miserable, hurt and angry, and seeing her cry about this for months was devastating. 

He spent about six months defending himself and his actions before they had a breakthrough. With time, they started to rebuild, and two years later they are super strong. Their marriage is totally different, they both are totally different with each other. It’s pretty remarkable.

I realize this is going to be an unpopular opinion on these boards, but I’ve seen it work out. This cheating isn’t unrecoverable, in my opinion. He didn’t have sex with this girl, but he definitely crossed a serious line. If you want to look at this from a catalyst standpoint, there MAY exist an opportunity for serious breakdown, from which can come growth and positive change. But you both need to decide that together. And he needs to be 100% honest about anything else that may have happened – no “trickle truth” – so you have all the info you need in order to make a decision.

It’s going to get worse before it gets better – if it does – unfortunately. You guys have been through a lot already, and I’m echoing previous posters who advise some serious counseling, both individually and as a couple. 

So sorry, Bee. Best of luck to you. 

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