(Closed) Torn Over Choosing Bridesmaids

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 16
655 posts
Busy bee

Choosing bridesmaids is super hard. I had the opposite problem, I didn’t really want many bridesmaids at all, always assumed I wouldn’t have any, but then when I actually got engaged I had more girls I wanted to be bridesmaids than actual spaces for them. My fiance could only think of 2 guys and finally thought of a third. As much as we don’t care about symmetry and formalities, he also felt embarassed to only have a couple of guys standing up there, where as my side would be FILLED with people (okay only like 6 or 7 but still), guys and girls. It made him feel like maybe he didn’t have as many friends (he’s always been a little self-conscious about that). It was important to me that he and I agreed on that number, in my case. SO I basically went with the 3 friends I’ve known the longest, who pretty much already had agreed to be bridesmaids years before I got engaged (cause that’s the type of friendship we have). But in the process, I offended a couple of people who apparently were *expecting* to be asked. It was super hard, and it sucked offending people, but you have to do what’s right for you. It was also kind of off-putting for me that people assigned themselves “jobs” as soon as I got engaged haha but that’s another rant for another time.

While it’s an honor to be asked, it’s also not THAT big of a deal, really….. like, no one is going to DIE if you don’t ask them and you choose someone else, and it’s also not a reflection of your relationship with them. You could have a super close friend who you love, but you just feel he/she woud do best enjoying the wedding as a guest rather than getting stressed over duties and costs. Or in my case, a really limited number of spots that you already filled with friendships that were like, 10 to 20 years running. Or in your case, cousins who are blood related closer than other people, but maybe wouldn’t be the best fit. None of this means we don’t love these people, it just means that on the wedding day…they get to wear whatever they want and have no responsibilities other than to help you celebrate!! Seems like a pretty sweet deal to me! 

I know most of my little rant here is like the opposite of your problem, but really the same idea: Ask who you want, you should have exactly the people around you on your wedding day that YOU want, not what tradition dictates. They should make you feel loved, help relieve your stress, and be there for you when you need them. If you think someone can’t really do that, there’s nothing wrong with just not asking them. 


P.S. I have a younger cousin who is helping to throw me a bridal shower so I really want to include her in my bachelorette plans…but she’s under 21…. SO awkward to figure out how to deal with that situation. So I totally get it.

Post # 17
10292 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

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mrsziggy :  

Well all I can say is good luck and do as  pps  have suggested, ie ask ( not ‘pick’ or ‘choose’, they aren’t   apples or cheese ) people to be bridemaids on the basis of how close you are to them.

And stop using language like ‘filling slots’ and ‘opening spaces ‘, this is a wedding not a parade.

Post # 18
97 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Chiming in to add that I was in the exact same boat, and ended up asking my fiancee’s two nieces (who adore their uncle!) to be junior bridesmaids at ages 16 and 12. They were SO excited and later said they were really hoping they could be involved with our day. At the end of the day, I think it was worth it to ask them, and their excitement excites me to have them standing up with us. Obviously your first cousins are your family, but I think it is a cool family moment if you decide to include them.

I did techincally name them junior bridesmaids, and I understand your reservations to the title too. I ended up with it so they would feel free to participate as much or as little as they wanted, and to feel free to coordinate their own dresses together, especially as the 12 year old is tiny and wouldn’t fit into the other bridesmaid dresses.

Post # 19
162 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2016 - The Great Southern Club

lord have mercy! i had 6 groomsmen and 5 bridesmaids. i do not see the need to have people in your wedding just to have symmetry or ‘fill slots’. i know someone who did this and now has people in her wedding photos she now does not particularly care for, keep that in mind lol.

pick your nearest and dearest. the ones that will be there for you on your big day, the ones you want to be surrounded by, the people you can lean on.

Post # 21
97 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

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mrsziggy :  do you have attendants by chance? They could do programs, guest books, etc! 🙂

Post # 22
229 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I don’t think there is ever an obligation to ask anyone to be in your wedding. I have 2 dozen cousins and didn’t sk a single one to participate in my wedding. I haven’t been close to any of them in adulthood. I did invite all of them to the wedding though. Why don’t you have your cousins do the the gift table and guest signing table. They can greet people and wear cute outfits. 

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