(Closed) Totally Annoyed by FI

posted 12 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Oh my. Well, the first thing you need to do is sit down and work out (and agree on) the criteria for your guest list.  If that is something you establish together, you will have much better luck sticking to it.  And part of that is agreeing that there is a guest list – an official list – and only the people on the list are invited – and you will discuss each and every addition BEFORE it goes on the list – which means that nobody gets invited on impulse (without discussion).  Once Fiance and I agreed that was the level of formality required (and since we are having a dinner reception, we really need to know how many people will be there, and we really have a space and budget limit) we haven’t really had problems.  We have had additions, but every one gets discussed.

Obviously there may be a point past which you can’t just add people.  Either you have maxed out your venue, or you haev already given the numbers to the caterer, or you only have so many favors…  I suppose you can invite someone informally (not send an invitation) but that in itself is a little slap in the face, isn’t it?  They basically know that they are some kind of afterthought.  And verbally inviting people without intending that they come is just rude.  Maybe guys your Fiance talks to at a party or in a bar will just blow off the invitation.  Their SOs, if they hear about it, will be wondering when the invitation shows up – if it doesn’t, are they really invited – I have been in that position, and its just annoying. I remember asking Fiance last year if a particular set of his friends were born in a barn or what – they had told us several times we were invited to their wedding, but we had no idea exactly when, or even where, and no invitation showed up until a week before. 

It is sweet that your Fiance is such a generous guy, and wants to share his happiness with one and all.  I agree that maybe you can set up an open house type party for all the people who he just wants to randomly invite – sort of like an informal second reception – and maybe that will make him feel better about not inviting all these folks to the actual wedding.

I also think that, seriously, seriously – you have to be able to sit down with your Fiance and say HONEY!! Seriously no shit we need to come to an agreement on this issue.  And then we both need to abide by that agreement.  The wedding guest list is going to be far from the last time you have issues.  If they way those issues get handled is that you tell him he’s screwing up and he continues to behave in the same manner (or vice versa) that is a BIG PROBLEM.  Even if one of you doesn’t see how what the other is upset about is a big deal at all, you sometimes have to modify your behavior just because its upsetting to the other person.  Every actual outcome of the crazy wedding-planning, annoying-FIL, vendor-from-hell issues that you go through in this process is no way as important as how you actually handle these issues as a team – because you’re signing up for years and years of whatever level of teamwork you already have, or can manage to develop.

Post # 18
Member
14 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2008

Approach it from a budget angle. My fiance and I know that the max # of people we can have at the reception, with our budget, is X. Each person invited above that number will cost Y. Every time he says, "I’m going to invite these three people, I just HAVE to," I just say, well, our budget is already at its max. Inviting those three people will cost 3Y. Then he either says, "I’ll throw in extra $XXX to pay for them," or says, "Hm, that’s not really worth it." That way you make it not about emotions but about the reality of your financial situation.

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