First off (( HUGS )) cause I know this has got to be devastating… and beyond hard to deal with.
When it comes to where you stand in this relationship I totally get the embarrassment, disappointment, confusion, frustration and anger (along with any other emotions you might be going thru)
But perhaps as an Older Bee, I come to this with a more worldly… less “OMG how gross” perspective, solely because at 50+ I’ve seen a lot more of life (including the fact that there are adults both my own age and older who wear diapers for medical reasons)
If it is a fetish, then that is one thing… and more so if it is sexual in nature. That is a whole other ball of wax.
In which professional help from a Trained Therapist / Doctor will be needed for him to deal… and hopefully eventually move on.
But chances are just as probable that it is a medical condition… something that he is trying to deal with on his own without consulting a medical professional.
Many humans from childhood don’t poop randomly… they poop on a schedule (many a Mom with small kids working on potty training can tell you this)
So it isn’t that unconceivable that if he was dealing on his own with a condition (too embarrassed to see a Dr) he could manage it quite effectively by knowing the approx time that he’d require coverage, and then working out a schedule / means to dispose of the evidence
Much in the same way that young girls when they first begin to have periods and may suffer from immense embarrassment figure out ways to use public restrooms at school to change their pads when there won’t be others around (time of day, location of washroom in the building, etc)
I can name quite a few medical conditions where someone might need to wear some sort of protection in the form a shield or diaper. You might want to research this further by talking yourself with a Medical Professional.
Personally, as much as you might be overwhelmed by all this today (that certainly comes across in your most recent UPDATE) … and that is very understandable. I think it fair to your Marriage to get to the bottom of this so you truly know and comprehend what is going on with your Husband. Only then, after being truly able to say you’ve done your best, and exhausted all odds, should you consider Divorce.
Divorce is a place you cannot go back from, once you drop the D Card, life changes drastically.
IMO you BOTH owe each other more.
I’d begin by finding a Doctor you can speak with… ask for concrete info on medical conditions. And ask for info on non-medical ones as well.
Then you need to find a Therapist for yourself. So you have someone you can share your inner most thoughts with… go to for support (seeing as your Family isn’t going to be there for you in that way).
A good Therapist will be there for you as you learn about this diaper issue from all possible angles. And if they aren’t someone who specializes in Sexual Issues, they can certainly recommend someone who can at least tell you more specifically about that angle. But a good solid Therapist for yourself is what you’ll need no matter what. As this is going to be a rough ride no matter what the cause of the outcome.
After you’ve begun to educate yourself, and found some inner strength (calmness) then you need to broach the subject with your Husband
You need to find a way at that point to convince him that telling you EVERYTHING ONCE AND FOR ALL is safe. That you are confused and vulnerable but wanting to know the truth (as they say… THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE)
ONLY AFTER YOU KNOW THE TRUTH will you truly know what should happen next.
If it is medical… then so be it, you’ll find a way thru it (both of you)
If it is not medical, but psychological… be that a repression issue (toilet shame / cleanliness etc), that is one thing. Sexual in nature something else.
But at least you’ll know the TRUTH. And can make your determinations from there on how to proceed as a couple, as yourself, and what the future holds for your Marriage.
There is a chance that everything may right itself… as much as there is a chance that it won’t. There is also a chance that you’ll agree to go your separate ways not as couple, but remain friends. Saddened by this huge chasm that has come between the two of you. Or there is a chance that you’ll be so filled with anger that you two may never speak again.
BUT the TRUTH is as married folks, I think you really do owe it to each other to get to the very core of what is going on here.
(Imagine if it really is medical… and he’s been hiding this condition out of shame… and now you turn around and choose to leave him. He could have a major mental episode / breakdown… and do God only knows what. YOU WOULD NOT WANT THAT ON YOUR CONSCIENCE. I say this because well, quite frankly I’ve sadly seen people go over the deep edge for far less. Personal Shame can be a tragic motivator)
Do the adult thing here… educate yourself. Get all the facts, and ONLY THEN DECIDE YOUR COURSE OF ACTION.
Take the high road.
Cause even if the relationship should fail (be doomed from the get go) you can look back in all honesty and say… I gave it my ALL.
That will make the bitterness that is the defeat of Divorce much easier to handle
(Divorce sucks… like it or not you will label yourself. Society will label you. Your friends & family will label you. It takes a very strong person to overcome the defeat that comes with Divorce. Because as high as we soar in the time we build up ourselves towards Marriage… Dating, Falling in Love, Proposal, Engagement, Wedding Planning, Wedding etc… it is just as equivalent or greater a fall into the quagmire that is Divorce)
Be wise, be strong… LOVE yourself. AND THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE.
(((( HUGE HUGS ))))