(Closed) Totally blindsided by new husband's behavior – may be TMI

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
Post # 212
Member
1262 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@Morose11:  

@Eckle:  +1

I think you need therapy, both for how to deal with this, and for your communication problems. You seem to be totally unable to express yourself or communicate issues and problems with others.

Does your husband even have any clue how much this bothers you? Does he know it was something that could easily reach a breaking point? Because from what you have described, you brought it up on your honeymoon, and have shut up about it and pretended everything was fine since then.

I just cannot believe that you have just lived with this for a year without talking about it. Your husband poops in a diaper, and you’ve just let that go because you are afraid of the conflict? Come on, that is totally ridiculous! 

Before you get into a new relationship, you need to learn how to communicate with others. You will never have a successful relationship if you cannot get this skill.  At first, being religious myself, I was borderline offended when pps suggested you being religious made you sheltered, but in your case, it really seems to be an apt observation. Do you not have any objective standards of what you want? Of what is good? 

You have all these questions. Is your sex life good? Well, do you enjoy it? That’s basically the only standard there. Is he the kind of partner you want (I’m assuming you mean aside from the problem at hand)? I don’t know, does he treat you well, make you feel loved, respected, pull his weight and work hard in life?

Since you have decided to end your marriage, the only proper way to do that is to actually sit him down and explain why. This is something you can’t run away from because it is uncomfortable (well you can, but it would be an absolutely awful thing to do as a person). It sounds like he has no clue this is such a big problem to you (given that you’ve actively pretended it wasn’t), and so I think you will have a lot of explaining to do. 

Post # 213
Member
604 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Narrawallee reserve/beach & Mollymook golf club

Secrets are not good for relationships and this is why. He shouldn’t have let you go through with the marriage without making you aware of something so major and talking it through with you first.

I have one word of advice: THERAPY.

Post # 214
Member
567 posts
Busy bee

THIS!

 

Don’t feel too bad; you expected to be married to an “adult” and let’s be honest, this is not normal behaviour for a grown man… he needs therapy so he can live his life no hiding it and thinking where his next diaper disposal is going to be; he needs to be freed from this.  He needs to open up to you more and realise he needs to resolve this, and not accuse you of being mean (again, that’s childish of him).

You should not feel bad for being shocked; it’s way out there you cannot even begin to have guessed he does this.

Post # 215
Member
356 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

OMG. I would RUN, RUN, RUN!! Leave and don’t look back! You deserve better! So much better.

Post # 216
Member
4767 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Ugh! You were so close, at this point you need to just do it.  If your husband refuses to speak about somehting he does that bothers you so much, you cannot just “learn to live with it.” This is your life and you need to be comfortable, and you clearly aren’t.

Please find the courage to leave.  You were asking how you do it.  Normally I’d say talking to your husband and letting him know your plans but dince yours dosn’t want to talk about issues, just serve him, like the movies.  This whole situation to me looks like it could be a lifetime movie (omg I just typed povie subliminal thought maybe lol).

Anyway please don’t burry your feelings away and sign up to be uncomfortable for the rest of your life!

Post # 217
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I am going to tell you my story from my perspective. I have not been able to think of anything else since you posted this, so I created an account. I am a less than frequent bee, female in her 30’s.

 

 

 

I also have a problem and an odd habit with Bridesmaid or Best Man. I won’t give the details here because I am too embarassed and ashamed. It does not have to do with a diaper though.

 

 

 

I think it is different because I am an woman and I can’t say for sure your husband doesn’t have a fetish, but here is my story…………..

 

 

 

I have been doing this ever since I can remember. I have early memories of doing this in a bathroom in 3rd grade. I dont know when or how i started (as far as i know, no abuse). I think my mother caught me a few times but i am sure she thought I grew out of it because I got better at hiding it.

 

 

 

I want NOTHING MORE than to stop and feel normal. I have tried everything I know to stop. Every time I do it, I feel like an absolute failure. I have never told anyone, including my husband. I got drunk the other night and almost told him and I thank god now that I didnt, because after reading this thread, i fear he would leave me.

 

 

 

I would love to talk with someone about it, but I am too embarassed. I have no prolem going to a therapist, (did a few times to deal with an eating disorder that was mild and I got over that) but I cant tell the therapist what I do. I have never heard of ANYONE doing it and that is why I sometimes feel less than human.

 

 

 

Otherwise I am smart, educated, well spoken, thin, probably beautiful girl on the outside who feels disgusting inside.

 

 

 

Please try to talk with your husband. If he allowed you to find the diapers, than he wanted you to know. Force the issue. Try to get him to a therapist.

 

 

 

And thank you for sharing your story.

 

 

 

Post # 218
Member
223 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@JessicaCanon:  I have a feeling if you told a therapist they would not bat an eye – they hear x10 worse weekly. I’m so sorry you feel so much shame from whatever it is – you don’t have to live like that. Please talk to someone?

You may have noticed strong reactions here, but also note all the mentions of large communities where adults wearing diapers for pleasure is the norm. Her husband is far from alone.

Whatever your issue is I promise you aren’t alone either. 

Post # 219
Member
381 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

JessicaCanon Wow, this is so hard. Thank you for sharing. Our country (America, for me anyway) is such a weird place. We both encourage individuality but make people feel terrified of being different. But you are NOT less than human. 

I agree with PP, I think you could easily see a therapist and it wouldn’t even phase them. Not because doing something weird with Bridesmaid or Best Man is necessarily a terrible way to live your life, but you seem so plagued by it. 

I think, back to the OP problem, people focused so much on why he lied. It seems rather obvious to me. People hold back secrets if they think their entire world will come crashing down. He probably loves you OP, and was afraid terribly of losing you if he came clean. Ultimately, he did come clean, right after the wedding (presumably when you couldn’t easily leave). 

Like I said before, I can’t tell you what to do as far as leaving or staying. But now, you do know, and it’s time to start communicating. I would also take JessicaCanon‘s words to heart. I think a lot of people here don’t know what it’s like to live with a REAL secret that could ruin your whole life if found…

Post # 220
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I just wanted to thank the people who privately messaged me. I was in tears earlier.

And I dont want to threadjack this post. (is that the right terminology?) But I just wanted the OP to know that besides 1, all the responses that I got were positive.

No matter how wierd your husbands story is, if you or he feel the need to share with select friends/family/professionals, it seems like you would get the support you need.

Now that being said…. I still have a hard time trying to force myself to see someone… but maybe this was the first of many baby steps.

Post # 221
Member
2167 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@KateByDesign:  Totally disagree. He seems to have absolutely no desire to change and rather expects the OP to simply learn to live with this disguting behaviour from now on.

I’m sorry but, the OP seems to be completely and irreversibly TURNED OFF by her husband now and she has every right in the world to feel this way. She probably can’t bring herself to ever look at him the same way again, and she must feel violated to her very core that he perpetrated such a gigantic FRAUD on her. She never would have married him had she known the truth, and HE KNEW THIS, which is why he waited until the honeymooon to ler her discover it. This was a fraud marriage from the very beginning and she is completely justified in her decision to proceed with a divorce. 

Post # 222
Member
9950 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

First off (( HUGS )) cause I know this has got to be devastating… and beyond hard to deal with.

When it comes to where you stand in this relationship I totally get the embarrassment, disappointment, confusion, frustration and anger (along with any other emotions you might be going thru)

But perhaps as an Older Bee, I come to this with a more worldly… less “OMG how gross” perspective, solely because at 50+ I’ve seen a lot more of life (including the fact that there are adults both my own age and older who wear diapers for medical reasons)

If it is a fetish, then that is one thing… and more so if it is sexual in nature.  That is a whole other ball of wax.

In which professional help from a Trained Therapist / Doctor will be needed for him to deal… and hopefully eventually move on.

But chances are just as probable that it is a medical condition… something that he is trying to deal with on his own without consulting a medical professional.

Many humans from childhood don’t poop randomly… they poop on a schedule (many a Mom with small kids working on potty training can tell you this)

So it isn’t that unconceivable that if he was dealing on his own with a condition (too embarrassed to see a Dr) he could manage it quite effectively by knowing the approx time that he’d require coverage, and then working out a schedule / means to dispose of the evidence

Much in the same way that young girls when they first begin to have periods and may suffer from immense embarrassment figure out ways to use public restrooms at school to change their pads when there won’t be others around (time of day, location of washroom in the building, etc)

I can name quite a few medical conditions where someone might need to wear some sort of protection in the form a shield or diaper.  You might want to research this further by talking yourself with a Medical Professional.

Personally, as much as you might be overwhelmed by all this today (that certainly comes across in your most recent UPDATE) … and that is very understandable.  I think it fair to your Marriage to get to the bottom of this so you truly know and comprehend what is going on with your Husband.  Only then, after being truly able to say you’ve done your best, and exhausted all odds, should you consider Divorce.

Divorce is a place you cannot go back from, once you drop the D Card, life changes drastically.

IMO you BOTH owe each other more.

I’d begin by finding a Doctor you can speak with… ask for concrete info on medical conditions.  And ask for info on non-medical ones as well.

Then you need to find a Therapist for yourself.  So you have someone you can share your inner most thoughts with… go to for support (seeing as your Family isn’t going to be there for you in that way). 

A good Therapist will be there for you as you learn about this diaper issue from all possible angles.  And if they aren’t someone who specializes in Sexual Issues, they can certainly recommend someone who can at least tell you more specifically about that angle.  But a good solid Therapist for yourself is what you’ll need no matter what.  As this is going to be a rough ride no matter what the cause of the outcome.

After you’ve begun to educate yourself, and found some inner strength (calmness) then you need to broach the subject with your Husband

You need to find a way at that point to convince him that telling you EVERYTHING ONCE AND FOR ALL is safe.  That you are confused and vulnerable but wanting to know the truth (as they say… THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE)

ONLY AFTER YOU KNOW THE TRUTH will you truly know what should happen next.

If it is medical… then so be it, you’ll find a way thru it (both of you)

If it is not medical, but psychological… be that a repression issue (toilet shame / cleanliness etc), that is one thing.  Sexual in nature something else.

But at least you’ll know the TRUTH.  And can make your determinations from there on how to proceed as a couple, as yourself, and what the future holds for your Marriage.

There is a chance that everything may right itself… as much as there is a chance that it won’t.  There is also a chance that you’ll agree to go your separate ways not as couple, but remain friends.  Saddened by this huge chasm that has come between the two of you.  Or there is a chance that you’ll be so filled with anger that you two may never speak again.

BUT the TRUTH is as married folks, I think you really do owe it to each other to get to the very core of what is going on here.

(Imagine if it really is medical… and he’s been hiding this condition out of shame… and now you turn around and choose to leave him.  He could have a major mental episode / breakdown… and do God only knows what.  YOU WOULD NOT WANT THAT ON YOUR CONSCIENCE.  I say this because well, quite frankly I’ve sadly seen people go over the deep edge for far less.  Personal Shame can be a tragic motivator)

Do the adult thing here… educate yourself.  Get all the facts, and ONLY THEN DECIDE YOUR COURSE OF ACTION.

Take the high road.

Cause even if the relationship should fail (be doomed from the get go) you can look back in all honesty and say… I gave it my ALL.

That will make the bitterness that is the defeat of Divorce much easier to handle

(Divorce sucks… like it or not you will label yourself.  Society will label you.  Your friends & family will label you.  It takes a very strong person to overcome the defeat that comes with Divorce.  Because as high as we soar in the time we build up ourselves towards Marriage… Dating, Falling in Love, Proposal, Engagement, Wedding Planning, Wedding etc… it is just as equivalent or greater a fall into the quagmire that is Divorce)

Be wise, be strong… LOVE yourself.  AND THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE.

(((( HUGE HUGS ))))

 

Post # 223
Member
9819 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

@This Time Round:  +1000 OP please heed this advice, it is I think the best advice you have gotten

Post # 225
Member
9950 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Dearest @JessicaCanon: 

Let me say first that it took REAL COURAGE to come on here and post what you have in an effort to tell the OP that she is not alone in this world.  That was HUGE !!

And let me assure you that WHATEVER it is you yourself are dealing with that there is hope… you too are not alone.

I guarantee you if you GOOGLE your issue, you’ll find it.  Someone else on the planet suffers the same embarrassment as you do…

So stop beating yourself up.

Find a way to reach out in person… or on the Internet (there are support groups for everything these days)

But at some point do more… do yourself the BIGGEST favour of all, and talk to a Dr / Medical Professional who can help you either medically or emotionally overcome whatever it is that has you so troubled so that you aren’t living a life without pain, guilt and shame.

As I told the OP, THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE

Doesn’t mean you have to tell THE WHOLE WORLD (our greatest fear) just means you have to tell one person who has your back and can help you combat your issue.

It can happen, you can have a happier life… and be a happier you.

(( HUGS ))

 

Post # 226
Member
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@This Time Round:  

+1000

OP, listen to everything This Time Round is saying. She is completely spot on.

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