(Closed) Totally blindsided by new husband's behavior – may be TMI

posted 6 years ago in Married Life
Post # 227
Member
3941 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@sillysillybee:   Okay. Just to get a better idea of where you’re coming from…

If a woman were to marry a man and never tell him about her bulimea, only to have him find out later, should he file for divorce?  Because he think it’s disgusting?

This guy is obviously mentally ill and needs help.  Sickness and in health. I don’t think he was duping her. He’s embarrassed, and rightfully so. 

“Hey I poop in a diaper” isn’t something that someone is proud of, let alone something that someone can easily admit to. 

 

Post # 228
Member
2167 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@KateByDesign:  The woman would be 100% in the wrong for not telling him prior to marriage. And if she allowed him to discover the truth after marriage and expected him to just BE OK with her behaviour and to turn a blind eye, that would be even worse. And if this were to case he would be justified in filing for divorce. 

Post # 229
Member
12638 posts
Honey Beekeeper

@KateByDesign:  No, in sickness and in health only applies if something happens down the line that is unanticipated.   Or if you marry someone knowing his or her condition.  It is not expected to refer to a condition that was intentionally hidden. That is grounds for divorce or an annulment. 

 

Post # 231
Member
3941 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@weddingmaven:  That is your interpretation. But it’s not mine.  And if it’s the OP’s, then so be it. 

 

Post # 232
Member
1865 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@This Time Round:  absolutely! 

 

After reading this whole thread, I found a post I 100% agree with. Listen to her advice! 

Post # 233
Member
2555 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@asianbarbie:  

” the bee who mentioned the pedophilia illness hypothetical, I personally would stay with them, would I support it abs. NOT, but I’d be there to help the person through it.

This thread makes me realize people are more selfish than selfless and this is exactly why divorce exists.

 

so sad..”

it isn’t sad that divorce exists, it’s sad that there are women like you willing to support a man with pedophilia because of some legal commitment. terrifying more than sad.

Post # 234
Member
9950 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

TO @KateByDesign:  Personally, I find your Bulimea argument a good one.  I think so many are turned off by this situation because it is happening at “the other end” of the body… but honestly I see the issues could be quite similar.  A habit based in some sort of self depreciation, concept, idea, OCD, mental issue, that went off the rails.

I know that SHAME is big for many people.  We all have some sort of secrets in our life and pick and choose WHO we share them with (friends, family, spouces) IF AT ALL

That doesn’t make the person evil.  Just confused / sick.

Most fears, phobias and such can be overcome with counselling.

Obviously this man was good enough to Date, Love and Marry… and have sex with (even after she knew his darkest secret)

He isn’t Satan.

He is just a poor misdirected ill person

He deserves love and compassion and understanding.

They both do.

— — —

PS… Lol, at my age over 50, like I said, if I was to start discounting my friends & love ones cause of their “awkward” health issues that pose an inconvenience for me due to circumstance or just plain knowing about them (Sally uses a cane, Martha has to watch what she eats, June needs lots of bathroom breaks, Paul farts often… altho he is particularly embarassed by it… and politely apologizes, Fred wears hearing aids, Bob has a fear of heights, and Cathy of the Dark… Mr TTR snores and is a light sleeper, and a dear family member wears a diaper, and I had a major emotional BREAKDOWN in my 40s.  Lol, I’d be cutting my friend list down immensely, and I’d be missing out on some of the best people I know.  Not that all my friends are “broken” People are a lot more than a sum of their parts.  As you get older you begin to realize that more and more, what goes on with someone on the inside is waaay more important than what happens on the outside.  Our bodies will fail us all us eventually.  Because in actuality… that is what we all end up dying from… our bodies give out, in so much as they cannot sustain us any longer despite what the “Death Certificate” says in words).

 

Post # 235
Member
1224 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@KateByDesign:  

hmm good way to think about it. I was in recovery from an ED when Darling Husband and I married- he knew about it of course, but an ex boyfriend found out about it while we were dating. He wasn’t disgusted but just sad and worried because (unlike the diaper thing) it was slowly killing me.

 

Post # 236
Member
2522 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Yes, this must be very difficult for him, but he should have discussed this with you before he married you. That’s incredibly deceptive to me.

Individual and couples counseling, yes.

Post # 237
Member
633 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

With kids who have encopresis (medical term for stool witholding), start a “sitting” protocol. They go sit on the toilet for 10 minutes every 2 hours (or something like that). If they go, they go. Normalizing the toileting behaviors is what you should be looking to do.

Frankly, someone can only hold it for so long. He would eventually have to cave and use a toilet if the diaper weren’t an option. But he needs to be on board with this himself, with support from you and from potentially a primary care doc and psychiatrist.

Post # 238
Member
2285 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: Central Park

Your husband is lying to you most likely. It sounds like he is an ABDL. Adult baby diaper lover. It’s a fetish. You should confront him and require the truth. If it’s a fetish then he needs to be honest and talk about it. Otherwise I’d say he needs to go to a neurologist if he’s unable to hold his bowels.

Post # 239
Member
1582 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Wow, sorry to hear about your situation OP. This does not sound easy to deal with, hope you and your husband come to a resolution. Don’t have any real advice because I have no idea what I would do in your shoes. 🙁

Post # 240
Member
2124 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Bowel issues are complicated, as a nurse I can tell you that. I don’t think this a divorcable issue, but I think both of you are going to have to sit down with his doctor and you need to fully understand his issues, wether they be physical or  psychological and go from there. 

Post # 241
Member
942 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@Morose11:  going in diapers is obviously strange. But if I was with someone who needed to shower before and after sex to be ‘clean’ I would find that incredibly strange too. Like OCD weird.

There is something psychologically wrong here, he needs to seek out help to save his family. But that’s his choice, and the consequences of seeking help are obvious. Let him decide. 

I’m so sorry bee, here’s to hoping that life gets a bit easier for you.

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