(Closed) Totally blindsided by new husband's behavior – may be TMI

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
Post # 17
Member
621 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

So I may have the least popular response, but omg I feel so bad for your husband! I can’t imagine, No adult wants to wear diapers! He’s got some therapy he should go through to get over this but you need to be 100% supportive and delicate about this! I can’t imagine what you’d do to him if you approach it in anything but a loving and concerned manner.

Do you have a right to be shocked…yes…but put aside your ego/feelings and be supportive and supportive in addressing this issue.

 

maybe you should independently do some research and talk to a therapist about how to approach this.

 

Good luck to you both!!!

Post # 18
Member
2432 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I definitely suggest therapy, like so many others have. I’m so sorry, this is rough situation to deal with, especially with consideration of your husband’s feelings and not wanting to completely humiliate him. 

Just to clarify, is there any medical issue for this? Or was there in the past? Or is it completely psychological?

Post # 19
Member
2868 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Oh my gosh!  When I first read adult diapers, I was like, okay, he has some issues with bladder or bowel control, which would be something medical, but clearly that isn’t it.  It sounds like it isn’t a physical issue, so he NEEDS to go to therapy.  Not to say this in a bitchy way, but that really just isn’t normal.  It sounds like he isn’t willing to talk about it with you, but could he maybe talk about it with a therapist, who he doesn’t know personally?  :-/ I agree with LoveGypsy, it also makes me wonder about sexual abuse in the past.

*hugs*

ETA: What worries me the most/makes me the most sad about your post is that you said this makes you feel like you are no longer attracted to your husband.. Have you done some thinking about why that might be?  I mean, if he were to go to therapy and work to change the behavior and eventually got rid of it, would you be attracted to him again, or is knowing this just a dealbreaker for you? 

 

Post # 20
Member
2440 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@Morose11:  Well…. yeah. I’d be freaked out, too. So long as you didn’t go spaztic and call him a freak, I think wanting to talk about it is a good idea. I’d jsut take a look at this from a medical standpoint. Obviously, your husband needs to seek some medical help about this. I know someone who, because of a legitimate medical issue related to cancer, has some issues when it comes to bladder release. However, that is something that that person has actively worked on their whole life. They have spoken to doctors about it (it’s def. a physical side effect of a could have been fatal disease) and they want to get better. They want to be able to cope. And they are willing to talk about it with people they are close with, because that is better than feeling afraid of talking about it.

 

Talk to your fi about potentially working on this problem. Tell him you aren’t judging him, but that this was a big shock. Tell him you’re worried about him, and you’re worried about the relationship. Ask him about his willingness to talk to a profesisonal about this.

 

And you have my permission to be disgusted with his mother and father for life for this…

Post # 21
Member
2432 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Also, I googled this because I actually thought I heard of it before. It’s actually considered a paraphillia/fetish (if he’s doing it because of sexual arousal)  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diaper_fetishism

Post # 22
Member
9834 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

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@asianbarbie:  I agree, it must be so hard for him!

Post # 23
Member
495 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@MrsEdamame:  This was my thought as well – OP, are you absolutely sure this is a medical issue? Or could it be a fetish that he is covering with a more digestible story? Because from what I’ve read, it’s not a hugely uncommon one. I have a hard time believing that he has never been able to poop without diapers but in 2+ years the OP has somehow never noticed him wearing one before.

Either way, I think it is a horrible thing for anyone to blindside their partner with this kind of information after the wedding has taken place. Embarrassing or not, he SHOULD have told you something about this before you committed to spend your life with him. I’d expect it of other medical issues and this is no different. It it totally understandable that you are feeling confused and betrayed by this admission at this late stage. He needs to get into therapy and talk to a doctor about this ASAP, and I think you should make staying in this relationship conditional on him seeking medical help so you can both understand this situation better.

Post # 24
Member
727 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

ohmygoodness, at times while reading this post I was thinking “she had got to be joking” 

But really I should know better! I am a therapist and well, toiletting behavior is one of my specialties. While your new husband is certainly older than most of the people I work with (oldest I’ve worked with was 15 –his parents still wiped him, I stopped it in two weeks!) there are things that can be done!!!! Allright, it’s about to get really graphic in here:

 

The one I woudl rec the most is the cutting away technique where you gradually cut pieces of the diaper (each diaper has a little more cut off) until you are left with only the band. WIll he be dirty? yes, when you get to hardly any protection. BUT it’s a way to fade the behavior. Chances are by the time you get that far he will have stopped bc the sensation is not the same. the key here is gradual. this is not a few days or weeks process

Some people like the feeling of the warm stool: For these people sometimes letting them hold brown play dough that has been briefly warmed in the microwave helps.

Some people like feeling what I call (for lack of better terms) “plugged up” that is, the sensation of an emerging stool is either erotic or soothing to them. There are sensory techniques that can help including the willoughburg protocol (brushing).

There are of course other reasons, really the best thing would be to talk to a therapist about it. Be kind and encouraging and explore whether  this is something he wants to change? I assume with the crying that it is….

But if he doesn’t, can you live with this? I know it’s gross but he’s still the same person.  Of course, as a therapist, I can’t think this behavior is psychologically healthy.. but you would be surprised. Lots of “crazy” behavior is not so crazy when we get to know it.

Post # 25
Member
180 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@Morose11:  I can imagine how shocked you are! However i am also going to agree with 

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@asianbarbie:  on this: he must be so embarrased and ashamed of this! This is not something you will fix by forcing him. Telling him its not normal or acceptable to you is probably the worst thing you can do. first realise how someone takes their bowel movements is an individual matter, and you dated him for 2 years prior to marriage and you never noticed. I agree thay its pretty shocking and disgusting, but i would not let it define who he is. you need to focus on who he is as a person and why you fell in love. Learn to accept him and be ok. In his current state forcing him to change will make him resent you. You need to build his trust that you wont judge him, and then he might open up about it. Once he opens up then you can very tentatively consider improving the situation. Until then if you want to save your marriage you need to be a lovig wife and support him. you dont need to be involved, heck he seems to have proper control of it, but if he says he needs to find a bathroom soon, dont judge! 

Post # 26
Member
1145 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

What the french? How could this guy walk around wearing a diaper full of poop and no one notices? Has he ever sought help? Is he planning to live like this forever (I’m assuming it is a non-medical issue)? How long did he expect to keep this HUGE piece of information from you? He really hasn’t given you the full scope of this situation.

 

 

 

I would feel as if I married a stranger… I understand why he is no longer attractive. Work on it though. Don’t bug him about going to a therapist as yet (although he needs it urgently). Do as a PP said and speak with a professional without him and see what they have to say. Maybe they could give you some pointers on how to help him. I hope this is not a pottytraining issue! His mom probably has the answers but don’t approach her about it.

 

 

 

I don’t know the guy but I’m still in shock! I thought everyone who doesn’t have medical issues gets potty trained by a certain age.

 

 

 

Post # 27
Member
5398 posts
Bee Keeper

Woah. I’d like more details like some PPs have asked for. Look into emotional freedom technique (EFT).

Post # 28
Member
1228 posts
Bumble bee

What a s***** situtation… So sorry!!! How awful!!! 🙁

Post # 29
Member
2597 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@Morose11:  This is just my layman s opinion but this doesn’t strike me as just some innocent quirk. a healthy grown man walking around for hours in soiled diapers has some deep seated   psychological stuff going on and I doubt the diapers are the sole way they manifest. He should see someone. If he refuses, you need to go see someone and figure out where you go from here. Of course this has effected your attraction to him.

Post # 30
Member
46 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2013

You have every right to be freaked out!  I agree with the other bees- he needs some serious counseling.  Maybe it’s selfish of me to say, and i know he is obviously embarassed, but I think it’s pretty terrible he didn’t mention this to you BEFORE the wedding.  He obviously told you to go in a bag where he knew they were.  It’s like a passive way to tell you and almost seems like he waited to tell you right after you tied the knot.  You dated for 2 years so I would definitely feel hurt and confused.  That being said, I agree again that he has to know therapy is not a choice.

Post # 31
Member
1877 posts
Buzzing bee

@Morose11:  First of all, I am sorry that you are dealing with this.  You have every right to feel turned off, angry, and betrayed by this terrible surprise.  Don’t beat yourself up.  It is a big deal. I am concerned  that this behavior is a manifestation/symptom of a larger mental illness. 

Also, the big deal goes beyond the fact that he uses diapers and may be mentally ill: it is even more so the issue that he actively hid this fact from you for the last two years. That is not an easy secret to keep and certainly one that a spouse would need to be aware of.  He betrayed you, and knowingly entered into your marriage with a big secret/lie. In many churches that is grounds for an annulment.  You are not overreacting.

What also concerns me, is that this shows what is possibly evidence of serious mental health problems in his family line.  He may not only have serious mental health issues, but it sounds like his parents may as well.  Mentally well parents would not raise their child to wear a diaper as an adult if not medically necessary.  It sounds like something is wrong with his mom too.

Do you want to have children?  If so, you need to find out what mental illnesses may run in his family.  Consider whether or not he is fit to parent, and/or if you want to risk passing those illness on to your future children.

Should you want to try and make things work with him, it is imperative that he see a therapist and psychiatrist.  You may also need marriage counseling to discuss the importance of openness and honesty.  What else don’t you know yet?  I am terrified that he could have worse secrets than this.  

Can you start by talking to a pastor or priest at your church?  They will keep this in confidence, and can likely refer you to someone who can help you like a psychiatrist.

Finally, should you feel that you do not want to stay with him, don’t feel guilty for thinking that way.  You are a victim in a bizarre situation.  He clearly has a mental illness he has kept hidden from you.  I almost feel that he took advantage of your innocence to help hide his secret.  The fact that you didn’t live together, or  become intimately involved before marriage made it easier for him to hide his problems. Had you not been so innocent, he could not have hidden this from you so well.  I feel he betrayed you and took advantage of you.

In closing, the poop is bizarre but the least of your problems.  Your new husband may be mentally ill, he may have other personal secrets and major issues he has hidden from you, and you entered into a marriage under false pretenses because he betrayed you.  

My heart goes out to you and I will pray for you.  God is with you- definitely talk to your pastor/ priest as soon as possible about this! You may be able to annul the marriage should you wish to do so.

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