(Closed) Totally blindsided by new husband's behavior – may be TMI

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
Post # 32
Member
4849 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

It’s possible he lacks the warnings that he has to go. It may be a milestone that he missed. There may be another medical reason behind it. I would start at a doctors office, then see what they suggest. I’m sure therapy would be involved but I’m sure he’s not the only one to go through this. I’d be more concerned if This carried a sexual connotation. 

Post # 33
Member
984 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Well, marriage is for sickness and in health, right? I guess the sickness bit just came round a bit earlier than expected.

Yes, it’s unbelievably weird, but you’d be surprised at the kind of things people have wrong with them. I couldn’t speak as a child – even now I stumble over my words and make an idiot out of myself. Maybe that’s not on the same level, but Fiance never laughs at me. He supports me through whatever I need him for, and in return I do the same.

You promised to be there. There’s no backing out. You can get him help, put him in therapy, but don’t reject him.

Post # 34
Member
984 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@FLBlonde93:  I’m sorry but I disagree entirely. When you marry someone you accept all of them; whether this is a health issue or a mental issue it’s not grounds to leave the guy. You accept a spouse for better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness and health. This is a sickness. It might by psychological, but OP has already promised to stick by him regardless. Encouraging OP to annul her marriage is not only very detrimental to their relationship but may also cause even more harm to her husband, who is clearly extremely humiliated by all of this and is in need of help and support.

Post # 35
Member
2376 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

Oh boy. I’d be horrified too. Like the rest have said I’d get him into therapy. It’s not some weird fetish he has??! Good luck!!

Post # 36
Member
223 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Yikes! Therapy For SURE.

 

 

my father wears adult pads because of a surgery he now has leakage to deal with for the rest of his life (he is over 60). If i EVER found out that a woman left him because of his medical condition I would be outraged! 

 

However it sounds like this is a choice your husband made. Or maybe not his choice originally? But something he never corrected? 

 

 

 

Overall this is sad and not funny. I wish you the best and please update

Post # 37
Member
1877 posts
Buzzing bee

@ZebraPrintMe:  And I disagree with you entirely, and find your reply to me to be judgmental and illogical. 

The OP has choices, and she should be supported in whatever choice she makes.  Staying with him is a choice, but so is leaving.  She should not be made to feel guilty if she chooses to leave, because she was deceived. He committed a crime of omission and the OP should not feel guilty if she can’t deal with what he hid from her. He betrayed her.  

Also, I did not encourage her to leave, but rather included the accurate fact that leaving is an option, and that because of his large lie, she may have grounds for annulment.  Given her religious views and decision to forego intimacy prior to marriage, annulment may be less painful to her than divorce. I am in favor of victims of  bad marriages being granted freedom, should they seek it, in the least painful way possible.

In this scenario, this wasn’t an illness her husband caught or developed after they got married, or something he knew about and warned her of in advance.  He failed to give proper disclosure.  This is an illness he actively hid, actively deceived her about, and purposefully lied to hide. 

He likely knew that given her religious beliefs, she would be hesitant to leave and stay trapped with him once married. To deceive and trap someone in marriage is a wretched act.  Why would anyone guilt her into supporting him? He clearly was not looking out for her best interests. She is a victim of lies, and she should be supported in whatever choice she makes.  

She has already been married one year, so clearly the OP has tried to face this and is struggling.  I applaud her for seeking help.  Unfortunatley, this type of issue is often a manifestation of larger, deeper issues.  If it is and she can’t deal with them, I do not judge her if she moves in.  Staying married out of guilt and obligation is a wretched way to live. 

Post # 38
Member
984 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@FLBlonde93:  Judgemental and illogical? I made an effort to be polite in my post, so I’m sorry if it offended you but I tried my best to lay out a proper response.

You seem to be assuming the very worst case scenario here, that OP’s husband intentionally held back the information, manipulated her and ‘trapped’ her in marriage because he knew about her religious beliefs. You don’t actually know them, and neither do I. How can we assume the worst? All I can see is a man with a problem, be is psychological or physical, who is utterly humiliated and feels ashamed of something he has no control over. I see a man who needs help and a wife who’s struggling. This is not deceit, nor is it betrayal. It’s a man who’s suffering, and a woman asking for support. We should be issuing helpful advice, not judgement.

Marriage is hard. You find out things you don’t want to know, secrets hidden for years from anyone, you feel hurt, betrayed, angry… but you work through it and come out stronger the other end. That’s what makes a marriage work. It can’t always be sunshine and lollipops; the right thing to do here is to encourage OP to work on things, to support her in her endeavours to help and love her husband. I’m sure, given your own beliefs, that you can understand where I’m coming from.

Post # 39
Member
6290 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2014

@FLBlonde93:  This.

 

@HourThyme:  And this.

 

This must have been an awful shock. and honestly, I don’t know how I’d react in your shoes. I’d feel lied to and betrayed, and justifiably so; and it would make me question the foundations of our relationship, and whether there were other things he was hiding.

I also wonder whether, as another poster suggested, this could be a fetish, and he spun you the story about it being a ‘physical’ problem so that you’d be less judgemental; the first thing that came to my mind when I read your post was ‘fetish’.

Either way, your husband needs therapy; and if he can’t/won’t go, you need to decide if you can stay with him. I agree with sticking by a spouse in times of trouble or sickness; however, for me this situation is different for a number of reasons. First, this is not a sickness he has suddenly developed; it is something he has had for years, and choose to deliberately keep from you ie you entered into marriage without honesty or trust in place, which for me are vital to a healthy marriage. Second, this could indicate more deep-seated issues; he could have other issues which you are unaware of. Third, this is not normal or healthy, and so an unwillingneww on his part to seek help for something that affects YOU as well as him would to me be selfish and unreasonable. Finally, I happen to believe that attraction is key to a healthy, successful relationsship; so it IS an issue if you find yourself no longer attracted to him (and honestly, I’d feel the same; if I discovered this about my OH I honestly don’t know if I could bring myself to be intimate with him). So, if he cannot or will not seek help, you should not feel you are bound to stay; you deserve happiness, and you deserve to be with someone who doesn’t lie or hide things from you, and whom you are attracted to and can enjoy a healthy sex life with. Those things are fundamental to a relationship IMO, and I agree with PP that this would be grounds for an annulment should it come to it.

Post # 40
Member
4495 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Yikes!! I can definitely understand why you aren’t quite as attracted to him anymore, that would be a pretty big turn off 🙁

As everyone has said – you need to get him to therapy. He obviously knows that this isn’t normal and I’m sure he can’t possibly like living like that.  

@barbie86:  When I read the original post I was thinking ‘fetish’ too. You never know.

Post # 41
Member
1571 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@ZebraPrintMe:  I think at the very least you should acknowledge that by marrying her and not telling her about this issue, he did in fact deceive her. 

(I also think it is worth noting that I do believe in a marriage being through both sickness and health, and would likely work it out with my husband, as long as he was willing to seek help. But I can see where the resentment from his not informing her would really undermine a relationship. 

Post # 42
Member
1332 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Morose11:  Oh my OP!!  That is definitely abnormal behavior 🙁  The thing that stood out to me is that I believe his ‘issues’ with BM’s and a diaper is NOT related to intimacy.  You chose to not be intimate with one another before the marriage, which is completely fine, but he still owed it to you disclose this piece of his life BEFORE the marriage.  It is a behavorial/mental issue to say the least.  The fact he disclosed something so ‘big’ would make me angry, and feel side swiped as well. 

At this point, him talking to a professional is imperative.  You guys having some pretty candid discussions is also imperative.  Start there, and see how it goes!

Post # 43
Member
984 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@LMD84:  

I think at the very least you should acknowledge that by marrying her and not telling her about this issue, he did in fact deceive her. 

(I also think it is worth noting that I do believe in a marriage being through both sickness and health, and would likely work it out with my husband, as long as he was willing to seek help. But I can see where the resentment from his not informing her would really undermine a relationship. 

Definitely. I totally acknowledge that he should have told her, and by not doing so he caused more trouble than if he’d been honest. He was definitely wrong. You don’t lie to someone you’re about to marry.

But he’s also sick, at least in some way. OP can be as angry as she likes – and she’s plenty entitled to – but at some point she has to put that aside and focus on helping her husband get better. Anger is fleeting, and once that’s simmered down you have to decide whether or not to work on improving what’s left over.

Post # 44
Member
2902 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

If he wont talk about it with a therapist to get help in overcoming this very serious and sick issue I would seek an annulment. This is not something i would be prepared to live with. 

Post # 45
Member
7644 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

It sounds like he either has a fetish, medical problem (like not being able to hold it or know when he has to go), or just wasn’t potty trained properly.

This is a seriously embarrassing topic, and I understand why your husband didn’t want to share and has kept it secret honestly. He shouldn’t have, but I am wondering how you even go about telling a woman that without her running for the hills.

I truly believe this is a fixable problem with either therapy or a doctor perhaps. That would be where I start, and if he doesn’t want to receive help, you need to tell him that while you believe in the institution of marriage and through sickness and health, you cannot continue to be with someone who help on to such a huge secret. He kind of did until he had you where he wanted you–where there was nowhere to go or made it harder for you to leave.

Very shocked. I hope everything works out.

Post # 46
Member
4335 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Agree with others that he absolutely needs to see a doctor and/or psychologist. Does he WANT to change/stop this problem? I also agree while it was horrible for him to have kept this from you until marriage, I can see how it would be so utterly humiliating that he would never know when or how to bring it up. (You know, like all those posts on here where someone cheats on their casual Boyfriend or Best Friend, who later becomes their Fiance, and the longer they wait to tell them the harder it is!) And also, I think YOU are going to need therapy, “ I don’t believe in divorce, but honestly, I’m not sure that I’m even attracted to my husband anymore.  And I feel like a horrible person, because I took vows for better or for worse, and if I love him this shouldn’t matter, right?”  I’m with you on not believing in divorce, but I’m pretty sure the only way you’re going to get through this is with professional help, both for him, but also for your own feelings.

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