(Closed) Totally blindsided by new husband's behavior – may be TMI

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
Post # 47
Member
335 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@FLBlonde93:  I agree wholeheartedly. So sorry, OP, that you are in this situation! Sending you lots of strength – only you can decide the right path moving forward from here.

 

Post # 48
Member
9371 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

is this a medical issue or a control issue.  either way, he should have told you the moment you committed to each other at proposal time.  he is hiding because he is ashamed and needs to fix this asap.

 

Post # 49
Member
223 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

This is most likely a fetish/kink thing that he is trying to pass off as something else.  I don’t believe for a second he missed potty training. 

If you google “adult diaper” (WARNING NSFW or your mind – be prepared), you will find there is a large community (almost entirely of men) who are into diapers and excreting in diapers. 

In my community there was a accountant who got into big trouble by calling “nursing services” and saying he had a mentally disabled adult son who needed care – and wore diapers.  When the nurse showed, he would pretend to be the “disabled son” all to trick the nurses into changing his diapers.  Bizarre – but not as uncommon as you may think.When I told some friends this story, they had all heard similar scenerios in their areas. (Grown man tricking health professionals into changing diapers to get their jollies off.)

As a poster pointed out earlier it could also indicate some abuse or other issues in his past – sometimes people develope these fetishes for a reason.  (But abuse does not have to be a factor for this fetish).

There is no way he didn’t know those diapers were in his bag and you would see them by handing him something.  He probably wanted to test the waters with you.  Many adult diaper fetishishist want their partner to join with them – i.e. change their diaper. He may have wanted to gauge your reaction to the issue.

All I know is this would be a deal breaker for me. 

All else aside, the diaper stuff is way too creepy/ icky and out there for me to ever have a Boyfriend or Best Friend into it much less my husband.  I wouldn’t even want to know what else he is repressing.  The “church going” part makes it a bit more creepy for me.  It seems a lot of men who try very hard to be chrisitians are doing it to repress or make up for something they think is wrong about themselves, or a part of their sexuality they want to deny.

A lot of diaper fetishist are gay men. (Not all, but a good precentage.)  The fact that he was fine for dating for two years and not being together till the wedding night makes me wonder if that was because of his strong beliefs or because his sexual urges aren’t towards adult women.  Have you two had a normal active sexual relationship since the wedding? 

Post # 50
Member
2389 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@MirnaMinkoff:  This all makes so much sense.  I think you’re definitely on the right track here.  It’s either a fetish (highly likely) or some sort of serious mental issue.

Post # 51
Member
3771 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

@MirnaMinkoff:  You completely had me on board with fetish stuff- I do know someone who tricked my mom into helping him with his diaper (a really long story) and it was all about his fetish. But your comments on Christians are pretty offensive.

Post # 52
Member
1571 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@ZebraPrintMe:  totally agree

Post # 53
Member
1783 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

It sounds like he was never properly potty trained since his toddler years……. He needs therapy, that is no way for an adult to act. That is mentally disturbing on so many levels. I can see how he can be embarrassed by disclosing this information to you, but to have dated for 2 years and he never told you what kind of person you were marrying? That is scary.

Post # 54
Member
2480 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I also think this is more likely to be a fetish issue rather than a medical problem. It would be very surprising if his parents didn’t tackle it when potty training because actually it is quite a common problem. My son was easily potty trained but for about a month during the training process he had issues with taking a poo in the lavatory. So he’d dash up the garden and take a dump in the shed! But he was two years old at the time. I was worried and raised the problem with my health visitor who reassured me that it was not unusual and actually the problem resolved itself very quickly. Had it persisted, I would have made sure we got further advice because you cannot bring a child who has no special needs up to adulthood using diapers.

So I wonder whether his worrying and certainly abnormal habit was not formed in childhood but after he’d attained sexual maturity. I also wonder if it is health related and he has issues with bowel function. Either way, you need to discuss how he plans to resolve the problem or indeed, whether he wants to resolve it. If the latter is the case then he needs to see a doctor because he will almost certainly need to be referred to specialist help.

I can understand your shock and disgust and yes, I can also see that it would impact on how you view him sexually. But getting him treatment (if that is what he wants) would be the most supportive thing you can do right now. If he doesn’t want to be treated then you need to seriously consider if this is something you can live with. If not then it may be that your marriage may not survive. 

 

Post # 55
Member
1914 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Dallas, TX

@MirnaMinkoff:  The same thought crossed my mind. It seems to me that he wanted the OP to find the diapers. When you are hiding that big of a secret, there’s no way he would be that careless. I find it disturbing that he did so during the honeymoon – basically the first opportunity after they were legally married. 

 

OP, there’s no doubt that therapy is what you need. Individual therapy for both of you and couples therapy. My Fiance is currently in grad school working on his phD in clinical psychology. Obviously he ‘s not a doctor yet, but I’m asking his opinion to see if he has any thoughts on the best way to approach this. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I truly believe you are justified in either decision – staying wtih him and trying to help him, or leaving him.

Post # 56
Member
1306 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

To me this could play out in one of two ways (assuming OP does not want to be involved with a diaper wearing DH)

1) He is willing to seek help and truly wants to change this behavior. You can stand by him and support him through this journey. I would give him time to change and be involved with therapy. I would want to know what the process is and how quickly things can change.

2) He is unwilling to change and I would seek annulment/divorce.

Post # 57
Member
2564 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I wonder if this is more of a fetish for him than he truly can’t go without the diaper.  If he has been doing this his whole life, why didn’t his parents get involved or get him help if it was truly a medical issue?  That seems off to me.

The fact that he didn’t tell you before marriage is a big deal, and also make me more suspicious of a fetish over a medical condition.  Yes, when you get married you should support your partner in sickness and health, but if this information is something that would have prevented you from marrying him in the first place that is a serious omission.  And he knows that, otherwise he would have told you.

Agree with PPs that you could support him in seeking therapy, but if he is unwilling to get help to get over this issue I would seek an annulment.  Being married for 60 years and living with your 90 year old partner who uses adult diapers is completely different than having just gotten married to a young man who chooses to use a diaper over going to the toilet.

Post # 58
Member
882 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@Morose11:  I agree with PP’s who say therapy might help but if worse comes to worst, you probably have grounds for an anullment here.

Post # 59
Member
1146 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I don’t know that I would call this outright deciet, but it’s pretty alarming that he, alongside the claim he loved her and wanted to commit to her, went forward with the marriage without showing her something so potentially impactful on life about himself before getting married. I think I would feel pretty disrespected due to that.

Anyway, what’s done is done and what matters now is how he plans on addressing the issue. Is he open to and willing to go to therapy, NOW? Does he even want to try to change this behavior, or does he see it as a fine way to live life? Is he willing to start taking steps right now in his daily life to work towards change? The answers to those questions would determine the future of my marriage if this were me.

To be honest, I really fear for you, OP. This is something a grown man should have wanted to address on his own, and given he never did, I worry that you or anyone else isn’t going to be the one to convince him to do it. If you are religious enough to never spend a night together before marriage, I worry that he believes you are relgious enough to never divorce him, and he planned on hiding this from you just long enough to where he felt he was in the clear. He obviously didn’t try hard to hide it after you got married, sending you into his bag and all.

For the above reasons, I think you may have to take a very hard line on this very quickly to show him that this is very serious, and religious or not, he needs to take steps to change it. I also believe deeply in the marriage vows, and I would be committed to working on this (again, depending on hsi answers to my questions above) but I would not make it super comfortable for him to dawdle or avoid the issue, which is probably what he will want to do after doing it for decades. I would probably live separately from him or at least in separate bedroom to show him I meant serious business with this. I wouldn’t want to show him I was willing to just give him the marriage he wanted when he was not able/willing to give me the marriage I believed he was promising me. That said, I would be very supportive and engaged in helping him with this in whatever way i could.

Good Luck…

Post # 60
Member
8439 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@ZebraPrintMe:  +1, to me wedding vows are forever. It seems that people always want to say “for better or worse,” but don’t want to stick it out for the “worse” part.

To OP, for me this wouldn’t exactly be grounds for divorce/anulment (although if you’ve been married for a year I’m not sure this would be possible).  While I probably would’ve never dated someone with this type of issue/fetish (whichever it may be), if my husband ever became incontinent I would stick by his side and do my best to take care of him. 

Post # 61
Member
2902 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@housebee:  but he’s not incontinent. Thats not the issue, if it was I would be much more understanding. 

So in sickness and in health, what happens if you marry a guy then a month later he decides to let you know he is a pedophile. Pedophelia is a sickness. Do you divorce? If you don’t believe in divorce then you are stuck with someone forever no matter what? That seems so unfair if these things aren’t disclosed when you marry. 

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