(Closed) Totally blindsided by new husband's behavior – may be TMI

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
Post # 62
Member
1146 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@FauxBoho:  exactly. he knew he could hide it because the didnt live or spend nights together due to religion. what’s to say he kept it hidden, full on believing those same religious beliefs would protect him from her leaving when she found out? it would really bother me knowing he let me take those vows all the while knowing he was hiding this.

Post # 63
Member
4767 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

OMG.  I really hope this is a hoax… if not I’d send him to immediate therapy.  This boy needs to be potty trained.

Post # 64
Member
500 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Morose11:  It depends when he started to have this issue and if a doctor suggested it.  If “as a kid” he means 3-10 then he could have a legitimate medical issue.  

If “as a kid” he means 15-18 then it could be a really sick fettish.

Doctors stink (no pun intended) when it comes to GI issues.  I knew a boy in foster care with a colonoscopy becuase of injury to his bowels, when he healed his mucles to squat had atrophied and he couldn’t poo normally.  I believe he used diapers for years until they re-did the colonoscopy.

I think what he did was unacceptable.  He should of been honest with you.  If it is medical, then I think an apology in in order from him.  If it is non medical, walk and don’t look back.

Post # 65
Member
2389 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@housebee:  I am completely in agreement on “for better or for worse.”  I take my marriage vows very seriously.  

BUT.  It seems like he decieved her intentionally.  He hid this huge thing from her until literally the first moment that she couldn’t just walk away without getting divorced.  I’m not saying that she should necessarily walk away, but this is a big deal and something that not everyone is going to be equipped to deal with.  He CHOOSES to do this.  I refuse to believe that he literally cannot poop on the toilet.  If my husband has medical needs that I need to attend to, I will do it with a smile on my face.  I love him more than anything in the world.  If he chooses to shit in a diaper because it gets him off?  No way.

Post # 66
Member
1170 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

Im sorry this would be a total deal breaker. Deceit even by omission is a deal breaker. This wasnt an illness that developed while together. I dont know how old he is but this is an on going issue he should have disclosed to her. Same if he had AIDS or any other medical issue, be it psychological or physical. When we commit to marriage, at the very least each partner deserves to be informed. You cant make an informed decision if you dont have all the facts. Makes you wonder what else you dont know about him.

If he loved her enough to marry her that implies that he trust her, he should have confessed and asked for help. The fact that he doesnt want to talk about it implies that he doesnt want to discuss it with a therapist either. Which means he doesnt want help.

 To me it sounds like fetish, if its really embarassing and such a problem then why didnt he get help before he entered into the marriage.

If I had a problem and I was about to enter into a relationship my thinking would be, hey I need to get this solved or at the very least get started on fixing this. 

I actually know someone who has this fetish. Did the same thing to his wife. Didnt tell her, wears diapers, she came home from work one day, let her find him in a diaper, and then had a break down. He didnt want therapy, he wanted her to help change his diaper. He enjoyed being treated like a baby during that time.  She couldnt take it and they got a divorce.

 

 

Post # 67
Member
2066 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

I’m a little bit confused… they’ve been married for a year, this was discovered on the honeymoon and yet it hasn’t been dealt with? OP, I hope you return with more information… and if this is for real, I hope you are able to get your husband into therapy as soon as possible. this is an indication of a much bigger problem, in my opinion.

Post # 68
Member
1170 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

If she found this out on the honeymoon and they have been married for a year and he doesnt want to talk about it, and its not resolved, Im guessing he doesnt want to go to therapy. 

Sounds like a fetish, start to finish. He is either a DL or an AB. 

Post # 69
Member
9681 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@Morose11:  I thought you were going to say he an adult baby fetish. Maybe that is the root of it? I would not be comfortable with something like this either. I agree with some of  the PPs – he needs a professional to talk to (if he even wants to change).

Post # 70
Member
2597 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@ZebraPrintMe:  I firmly believe in the marriage vows. However, when one partner conceals game changing secrets prior to marriage, they are perpetuating a sort of fraud. They are denying their partner the opportunity to make a fully informed choice. In my opinion, that is a huge violation and legitimate deal breaker.

The fact that the OP’s husband has not sought help or tried to change this on his own is deeply concerning in itself. The fact that he’s embarassed is not sufficient reason for him to demand the OP go along with this and be okay with it. 

She needs to insist he seek help. As I said above, I highly doubt this is his only issue and the OP needs to know exactly who she married.

Post # 71
Member
1377 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I’m a bit confused by the timeline, OP. You said you were married a year ago, yet you found this out on the honeymoon.

Does the timeline follow…got married, were married for a year, went on honeymoon, found diapers, posted here? So you just found out recently? 

Or was the timeline…got married, went on honeymoon, found diapers, knew about the diapers for a year, posted here?

I’m no expert of annulment, but if she’s known about it for a year and hasn’t taken any action, I wouldn’t think she’d be able to get an annulment on the basis of withholding information.

Post # 72
Member
1067 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

What I find most terrible about this is that you guys dated and got married and he never thought it was important to tell you!! 

He should have told you before you got married because your’e supposed to tell each other everything, especially big, embarassing stuff like that. 

Instead, he decided to marry you first and then you of course would eventually find out, but he’s got you trapped! 

That is why, though a Christian, I believe in living with the person first, to learn stuff like this. Because sometimes you just don’t know a person until you live with them.

Post # 73
Member
1006 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@worldtraveler:  +1, that’s what I’m wondering.  It makes a big difference.  I’m guessing she just found out, so delayed honeymoon? 

But she hasn’t come back yet so she may not be planning to answer any questions..

Post # 74
Member
8439 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@oneofthesethings:  Well as of right now people are assuming that this is a fetish.  If it is a fetish, you can’t expect to know these things unless you’ve had sexual contact with the person beforehand.  OP made the decision to forego sexual contact before marriage, and while this is a terrible outcome, it is part of the risk.

@FauxBoho:  I personally would never marry someone unless I had lived with them, had sex with them, and had already combined finances.  Also, my husband and I are completely transparent and honest with each other, and I wouldn’t settle for less.  That being said, being a pedophile is different because you put other people (i.e. children) in harm’s way.  A diaper fetish (if that is the case) involves an adult, sometimes two.  While there is an abuse of the healthcare system involved for some individuals, it isn’t something that is out of the realm of their (the nurses) job/what they would see regularly.

Post # 75
Member
621 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Its sad to me that the majority of the Bees would just walk, seek annulment/divorce.

Obviously this is a messed up situations but still.

Everyone says they take vows seriously and then would walk…sad, very sad. 

You work through it, and every aspect of it.

My Fiance told me something that was a bit embarrassing to him after we were engaged, was it to this extreme? no. but he waited because he was embarrassed to tell me before. I still love and accept him.

to the bee who mentioned the pedophilia illness hypothetical, I personally would stay with them, would I support it abs. NOT, but I’d be there to help the person through it.

This thread makes me realize people are more selfish than selfless and this is exactly why divorce exists.

 

so sad…

Post # 76
Member
2023 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@Morose11:  Id freak out a bit if I were you.  I mean I wouldnt now but if I were in a newer relationship like yours was I would be.  In a marriage you should be able to talk about EVERYTHING.  Honestly he should have brought that up before he even asked you to marry him.  There shouldnt be any secrets going into something as sacred as marriage.  Youll probably need therapy now.  :/

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