(Closed) Totally blindsided by new husband's behavior – may be TMI

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
Post # 92
Member
621 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@TexasSpringBride

There is probably a reason he lied. Whether it be mental illness, embarrassment etc.

Is it OK to lie, no NEVER! does it happen? unfortunately so and I hate it. (from white lies to major ones, and not just with our SO, with friends, co workers etc.)

Does lying mean you get divorced? NO, this can be a sign of selfishness and immaturity in a relationship.

Again you work on the issue and work through it.

In this case there seems to be some pretty serious underlying causes to his lying and his behavior that needs to be addressed.

You are seeing a glimpse into a relationship of a couple that you don’t know, you don’t know his side, nor has any of us seen any updates from the OP.

Post # 93
Member
1877 posts
Buzzing bee

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@TexasSpringBride:  The supporting a pedophile comment blows my mind too. Pedophiles should never be allowed anywhere that children are present.  They should be locked up!

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@asianbarbie:  How old are you and where are you from? What country were you and your parents born in?  Do you have a college degree?  I am curious because your views are so foreign to me, that I am wondering  if it is due to cultural differences.  Americans do not typically supports pedophiles. Even in jails, they are other criminals that others criminals beat to death and attack.  

Under NO circumstances do I think anyone should ever stay married to a pedophile.  Moreover, I think you are obligated to report them to the police.  If you were with one, they could never go to family events where there may be children, and you could never have your own children. Do you realize what you are saying when you suggest you would stick with them?!  You would have a husband who couldn’t safely go out in public, because there might be children he would prey on.  That’s absurd to me.

 

Post # 94
Member
3418 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Manhattan Church Rec Center

Disclaimer – I am prepared that I may get flamed. I speak only for myself and what I would do- If this had been me:

I would feel Duped, trapped and conned.

EVEN if you put in their faith, discloser before entering into the contract of marriage is incredibly important. Even if they didn’t live together or were intimate, THIS IS A MATTER WORTH Discloser! He lead her under false pretences into a marriage contract without all of the facts. That is a Trick!

He won’t seek help

He wont even allow her to talk about it. Calls her “Cruel”. Dude, You poop your pants Voluntarily and didn’t tell me until you ticked me into marring you – that’s cruel.

I do not feel that this is a medical issue – that would be understandable, but would still warrant discloser before marriage.

I do not get the vibe that is a fetish – that would also be understandable, but would still warren discloser before marriage.

It sound to me this is a voluntary thing he chooses to do because of deep-seeded emotional issues (control issues IMO) and warrants IMMEDIATE therapy.

If I were in the OP’s shoes I would lay down the law and tell him that I felt he lead me to marriage under false pretences and seeing a professional is necessary RIGHT FREAKIN NOW!

I could not be intimate with someone who pooped their pants voluntarily. I could Love them. But I couldn’t share a bed.

If it were me.

Post # 95
Member
1877 posts
Buzzing bee

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@Sapphire-Dreamer:  I think he tricked her too.  It seems he manipulated her innocence and religious views.  He knew she didn’t believe in divorce.  He knew that never being intimate before marriage made his secret easier to hide.  He is a selfish, manipulative man and the poor girl is a victim.

Post # 96
Member
3418 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Manhattan Church Rec Center

Post # 97
Member
1228 posts
Bumble bee

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@Sapphire-Dreamer:  I would just like to say, +1,000,000.

She has every right to leave in my opinion. It would be one thing if she knew this from the beginning and wholeheartedly said “Till death do us part.” But she did not… Thus, he lied. And this is not a little thing to lie about, such as “Sure, after we get married, I will help out with the laundry more!” 

Post # 98
Member
1827 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@Sapphire-Dreamer:  i’m not sure i completely agree with that in this situation. i honestly don’t know what to think. but i’m not here to comment on that.

 

but anyway…. just wanted to say i love this gif. in most “halp!!!” relationship threads on here i reply simply with “shut it down!!”

Post # 99
Member
1170 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

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@asianbarbie:  Dont know where your from but if you have a mental issue or a health issue, where Im from you dont hide that from your partner. If you have mental issue then you disclose it so that the other person can make an informed decision. Mental health issues are sometimes hereditary. That means that they could pass that on to any children who might come from the relationship. I would want to make an informed choice. As far as the physical issue goes.

I can tell you right now, if my husband had  a disease like AIDS or something and then didnt disclose it til we got married, oh hell no. I would be out the door, because thats a severe breach of trust and where there is no trust there can be no marriage.  I wouldnt be leaving him because he had AIDS, I would be leaving him because he didnt tell me the truth. He didnt trust me enough to tell me. He deceived me. That is a no no. Now if my DH had told me before that he had AIDS, then I would have made an informed choice. I would have weighed out the fact that we didnt want anymore children, could I live with his condition, how would it affect myself and so forth. I love my DH I probably would have opted to stay with him but I cant know for sure. 

Also as far as pedophiles go. Where I come from, we dont try to help them, we lock their asses up in jail and if the good lord is willing they will die for all the harm they have caused children.

Post # 100
Member
3941 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

This goes much deeper than a “bowel movement issue”.  He has a serious psychological issue occurring here.

I think it would be one thing if he put on the diaper in order to go to the bathroom and then disposed of the diaper.  But he’s wearing a diaper all the time and going #2 in public and sitting in his own filth…that’s a whole other story. 

What is his family life like?

Post # 101
Member
621 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@FLBlonde93

29, Born in the US, I have a post doc degree, while you may not agree with my views, your lack of respect for them and lude assumptions and comments speaks to your immaturity.

I also never said I support pedophilia, that statement is absurd. Please cease with your personal attacks.

 

Post # 102
Member
1443 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

OP, I really feel badly for you.  I would be shocked as well.  I see a lot of bees are giving you advice to be there for your husband.  I think that before we say our vows to one another in marriage, full disclosure is a must.  It was so wrong of your husband not to tell you about this MAJOR issue prior to engagement, let alone marriage.  It’s quite deceitful on his part.  As embarrasing as some of our secrets can be, I’m sure there are plenty of others (including myself) who have been honest with our partners; it’s part of being in a relationship:  communication. 

 

If he doesn’t agree to therapy, you should seriously consider if you want his problem to be your *lifelong* problem as well.  Best to figure this out before the relationship becomes complicated with children, if that is what you two are planning on.

 

Post # 104
Member
4766 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

yeah.  He seems to have quite the talent for poo hiding and/or incredibly non-stinky poo 😛

Post # 105
Member
1170 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

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@asianbarbie:  Actually I can quote what you said about pedophiles.

to the bee who mentioned the pedophilia illness hypothetical, I personally would stay with them, would I support it abs. NOT, but I’d be there to help the person through it.

You say you dont support them but you say you would help them through it? Isnt that supporting them? 

Post # 106
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee

This is so sad…I’m sorry OP. I don’t have anything to add but I want to stress individual therapy…don’t let him make you feel guilty for your questions but you’re not equipped to help him. He needs a professional regardless of whether it’s a fetish or a medical condition. Be firm and tell him he needs to go and it’s not an option to be complacent with the condition as it is. Stay strong in your refusal to accept it…this is not normal behavior and  you have every right to be disappointed that he didn’t tell you and disgusted by the unsanitary aspects of this condition. Hope it all works out for you both.

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