(Closed) Totally Conflicted & Confused!!!!! Long Post, please read!!!

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

@anonymous 7:  It’s easy to imagine that someone else is better, but remember you’re not in a relationship with this guy. The way people are in and out of relationships is totally different. You’re comparing your fiance to a guy you only know on the surface, essentially almost anyone could “beat” out a partner if it was only about surface issues.

I would take a step back, and stop talking to the other guy, even though that might be tough. See if your feelings stop and if this might just be a case of “love the one you’re with”

Post # 5
Member
11272 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@anonymous 7:  this could be all of what you mentioned.  mwitter80 makes some good points.  even without this other guy ask yourself if you really want to get married to your Fiance or is it just cold feet?  whatever you do,  don’t feel obligated to get married just because everyone expects you to.

i would suggest that you think about how you would feel if you never had your Fiance in your life anymore.  then, think how you would feel if you never had the other guy in your life anymore.  who would you miss more?

Post # 7
Member
11356 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

First of all, I want to commend you for stopping to consider how you have been feeling and for taking the time to ask yourself these very tough questions.  You are very wise to do so.

Since marriage is a “forsaking all others,” lifetime-commitment to one person, it is vital that both parties entering this covenant be sure that they both are ready to make that commitment.  No one should marry someone who is not ready to fully commit himself or herself to his or her partner forever.  To enter that covenant with all sorts of questions and unresolved feelings, hoping that things will work out somehow, would be a very dangerous and wrong thing to do.

No one can tell you if you SHOULD marry your Fiance.  Only you will be able to make that decision. However, I and others can help you to assess the situation and provide some clear-cut guidance as to some reasons someone should NOT get married:

* You should NOT get married just because you have been with your Fiance for SO long and are so invested in this relationship and it’s really all that you’ve ever known.

* You should NOT get married just because you have no idea how to stop this moving freight train of wedding that is only 100 days away.

* You should NOT get married because, if you didn’t, you would feel SO guilty about breaking your FI’s heart after having been with him for so long.

* You should NOT get married just because EVERYTHING has been planned and SO much money has already been spent.

* You should NOT get married just because you are so comfortable with your Fiance and the thought of being alone for the first time is scary to you.

If any or all of those is/are the reason(s) you would make yourself go through with this wedding when you’re not sure, do not do it.

Now, regarding this other guy — It’s important that you understand that this conflict really is not about your Fiance vs. this new guy.  This guy MAY or MAY NOT end up being someone that you would want to date and someday marry. At this point, he is only a question mark.  However, what he represents to you right now IS the issue. 

You have been very sheltered by having only dated one person and by living in a small town.  You are also very young. Someone else in the exact same situation as you may have gone away and have had her decision to marry her Fiance reinforced and strengthened by this time apart.  She may now be even more certain of her relationship with her Fiance and even more sure that she wants to marry him. That did not happen in your case.  This could mean that you are just not ready to make this commitment, because you are just now discovering more about who you are and what you desire out of life and what qualities you’re seeking in a lifetime partner.

Breaking an engagement is a very painful thing. I’ve done it myself. I knew I had to do it, even though my ex-FI was the most amazing man I had ever dated up until that point in time. However, engagement represents the last opportunity for someone to decide that he or she should not be in the relationship. There is NO SHAME in breaking an engagement, no matter how painful it is.  And it is FAR, FAR, FAR better to break an engagement than it is to break up a marriage.

As I said, none of us can really tell you if your Fiance is or is not the man for you. Only you can make that decision.  I just want to help you to examine and assess the situation so that you can see more clearly to make the right decision, whatever that is for you.

I will pray that God will give you wisdom and discernment as you weigh your options.

Post # 8
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’ve been in a very similar situation before.  I chose to break things off with my fiance.  While we needed the time apart (he had told me he didn’t think he was in love with me anymore and wasn’t sure he wanted to marry me and it freaked me out), I wish I hadn’t even entertained the idea of trying to date guy 2.  It was a mistake for me.  I understand why I felt the way I did…I felt abandoned by my fiance, and disconnected.  Even when he made an effort to reconnect, my initial attraction had developed when I was disconnected, and I couldn’t trust the reconnection.  I questioned everything; whether I should marry my fiance, whether I would be miserable with him, what my life would be like, if he was holding me back, why should someone as awesome as I am have to question for even a moment that I was worth the effort (this was fleeting; mostly I just hated myself).

I’m glad I was able to end up with my fiance again.  I would be so, so miserable if I had taken any other path.  I can’t imagine my life without him now and I’m grateful that he came to the same conclusion about me while we were broken up.  LDRs are so difficult, and so is wedding planning.  If I didn’t have my fiance here with me now to share the ups and downs as we book venues and I glue pieces of paper together and we make a guestlist, I would feel so isolated.  I think you’re in a difficult situation and that it’s normal to become attracted to a guy who is like your fiance but there with you now.  I can’t tell you that you’re not in love with this guy, but I can tell you that the seaweed is always greener in somebody else’s lake.  Especially if you’ve only had one lake before, it’s easy to wonder about other seaweed.

Life is hard.  Relationships are hard.  You don’t have to stay with your fiance and it is okay to back out now or put the wedding on hold if that’s what you feel is right for you, you aren’t married yet.  You do not have to go through with your wedding.  But these feelings do not necessarily mean that you should NOT go through with your wedding, just that you need to get to the bottom of them.  I wish you the very best of luck, I know this is really difficult.

Post # 9
Member
887 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way anonymous 7! ๐Ÿ™ Only you can figure out exactly what you’re thinking/feeling, but as an outsider, it completely sounds like a case of cold feet to me. Marriage can seem very “final” and can be really intimidating.

My husband and I started dating in highschool and married after college– he was also my first and only with everything. I definitely freaked before the wedding and almost called it off, because I was asking myself the same “what if I didn’t” questions (not about a specific guy, but just about life experiences in general/limiting myself). There were definitely other temptations when we were LDR during college. One period in particular was bad with fighting/not seeing each other, so I sat down and made a list of everything I loved about him. At first it was hard, because I did feel very distant from him, but then it just sort of flowed and I had pages and pages and pages. Remembering all of the good times and growth we had in our relationship reaffirmed my belief in us. I used the same tactic when I was getting cold feet right before our wedding ๐Ÿ™‚

Relationships can be really hard and I know that feeling the way you’re feeling is miserable! Take some time for yourself to try to figure out exactly how you’re feeling. Maybe try talking to a friend or parent if they’ve gone through something similar? *cyber hug*. Hang in there!

Post # 10
Member
210 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Brielle Beautifully said.

Post # 11
Member
11272 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@Brielle:  well put.  it is important to know that ‘there is no shame’ in breaking off an engagement.  it is better than breaking up a marriage.

do what will make YOU happy.  it sounds selfish, but in the end, it’s your life.

 

@anonymous 7:  i’ve been in similar situations. pm me if you want.

Post # 12
Member
2712 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think mwitter80 gave you some really good advice.  Take a step and stop talking to the new guy and see how you feel after that.  It could be you’re attracted to him becasue he reminds you of your Fiance and he’s close – as opposed to your Fiance who is long distance.  And once you stop hanging out with the new guy you’ll also stop thinking about him.  Does that make sense? 

If you are still attracted to this other guy after that then I think you should take a closer look at the situation and think about what Brielle has said.

I hope you are able to figure everything out!

 

Post # 13
Member
5 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I think your feelings are normal with the distance between you both at the moment. I can’t imagine that what seems like a wonderful man has taken on extra work to help pay for this wedding while you are fantisizing about marrying someone else. I assume you are not involved with this other guy at all. My suggestion which means nothing is don’t get married at all. Allow this wonderful (or so it seems) man to move on or take the drastic measures needed to rekindle the relationship and ditch the guy who you have become so attracted to that could also turn out in the end to be absolutely unmarriable. You are the only one who has to lay down at night and live with yourself and your decisions.

Post # 16
Member
784 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

It sounds like you’ve gotten some good advice so far. I think it’s easy to fall “out of love” when you live far away (not saying that you are out of love with him, but maybe that firy love you felt is a little mildly itty bitty watered down with the distance). I think once you and your fiance are back to seeing each other every day, it will return to normal.

I think that comes from being independent, I’m an only child and have always preferred being alone so it becomes natural for me to be that way. Do you think maybe that’s it?? Is there any option for your FH moving up with you?

ETA changing stuff for fear of my posts being read by the wrong eyesss

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