(Closed) Totally gutted…. am I being unreasonable? (RANT)

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

You’ve been together for 8 years, he either wants to marry you or he doesn’t. I’m sorry, I think it’s ridiculous when men play these games after so long. No proposal takes 8 months to organize. What now, come August he pushes the proposal back to January?

Post # 4
Member
2086 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012 - Pippin Hill Farm & Vineyards

If it’s happening, that’s great. I think it would be ideal if you both created the time line…it sounds like you weren’t involved in the change, just informed of it. If you’ve been committed for 8 years, your communication is probably good enough that you can address that.

Post # 5
Member
1213 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I agree with KatyElle. That is ridiculous. I think 8 years is plenty of time to figure out if you want to be with someone, and that putting off a wedding and marriage for the sake of a proposal is stupid. No proposal is so special it’s worth waiting an extra 8 months for. Tell him he has the original 6 months to propose with or without a ring, because the marriage is the important part.

Post # 6
Member
1365 posts
Bumble bee

It sucks that you have to wait until September but at least it is coming and he wants it to be super special. I think it’s wonderful that he is excited and planning something great for you both to remember. However, if it really makes you too unhappy to have to wait a few more months, especially if that throws out any wedding timeline plans you may have, then talk to him. Maybe he could change the plans if he realised that a “soon” proposal was more important to his wife-to-be than the grand proposal it sounds like he is planning. He may not be going about it the best way, so tell him if you want to, but don’t think he is playing games with you as PPs have suggested. It is important to remember that this is someone who is planning to ask you to marry them – he loves you and he is trying to make it special for you. It sounds like you can trust this timeline, even though he changed the last one, because he has a solid plan now. Congratulations on getting to this stage and if you are going to be waiting a few extra months, you will always have us waiting bees to keep you sane and wait side by side with you. Best of luck. And if you do talk to him, be sure to let us know how it goes.

Post # 7
Member
273 posts
Helper bee

Maybe he just didn’t realize how much a ring would cost and wants to have it all paid off before proposing. Just playing devil’s advocate.

Post # 8
Member
3639 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

My first thought when you said “grand proposal” and talked about how long it would take is that he wants to take you away overseas and needs that long to plan, book, get time off for both of you etc. *shrug* I’m just guessing.

BUT if that is not important to you and would just cause you stress and unhappiness then you need to tell him!

Tell him exactly what you told us, that having the original timeline made you feel “chilled out and excited, not stressed”. Now that you have to wait so much longer you feel “as if i’m being punished for being good”. He is not a mind reader, he probably thinks that you will love this grand proposal and are ok with waiting so much longer. You need to talk to him about it, openly, honestly and calmly. He is your future husband, there is nothing you cannot bring up with him. 

Post # 9
Member
2866 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Yeah no. I am not a pushy person, but it doesn’t take 8 years to know if you want to marry someone or not. Nor does it take 12 months to plan a proposal, that’s a bit ridiculous. What is more important: starting life together as a married couple or an over the top proposal? Good luck to you… I couldn’t put up with that. 

Post # 10
Member
1013 posts
Bumble bee

@KatyElle: I totally agree with this.  Especially after 8 years.

I think you have a right to talk to him about this and tell him exactly how you feel.  That pushing it back is not fair.  That if he really wants to get married he better stop making excuses.  You have a right to stick up for yourself after all this time. He’s had plenty of time. If he decides to propose it shouldnt take him more than 6 months to organize and pay for the ring. 

Post # 11
Member
412 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Just throwing it out there to everyone who says 8 years is absurd- we don’t know how old op is.  I dated my Fiance for 6 years before he proposed but we started dating when we were only 18.  Yes, by the end of the waiting period I felt like it was pretty much time for the ring, but 6 years when you start dating at a young age is a little different than 6 years when you start dating at 25.  If he sets this timeline, give him a chance to stick to it (like pp said, maybe he didn’t know how expensive a ring would be) and then if it doesn’t happen, you can address it.  Good luck!

Post # 12
Member
3799 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

argh you are not being unreasonable. He shouldn’t be stringing you along like this UNLESS the proposal is something huge like taking you on a surprise, really expensive trip. Have you told him that you would be happy with something simpler? I mean, maybe he bit off more than he can chew with the ring and proposal idea costs and now he really does need more time. I would be super pissed, though.

Post # 13
Member
3257 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I agree with PPs that you are not being unreasonable. My best friend is with a guy who is playing games like this with her, and I wish she would just break up with him because she’s worth SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT, as you are, I’m sure!

I would tell him that you have waited long enough and ask him for a real reason as to why he’s pushing it off so long. Be blunt; tell him that you really want to be married, and you need to know if he doesn’t so you quit wasting your time. 

Good luck to you!

Post # 14
Member
1415 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

You should tell him that the timing is more important than some big plan!

Post # 15
Member
47 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Some men just don’t marry us but marry other women. I broke up with my ex 4 years ago because he didn’t want to get married. We had been dating for 3 years, and I think 3 years is good enough to know if you want to marry someone. In your case 8 years is way too long, especially given the fact that you brought up the topic of marriage only last year. My ex has just got engaged; he proposed to his girlfriend of 9 months!!!! So I guess if your SO wants to have you in his life, he should know that you cannot wait forever and he has to move fast. Good luck!

Post # 16
Member
229 posts
Helper bee

The part that I would–and I think you should feel free to–feel upset about is the fact that he is going back on his timeline. THIS IS NOT FAIR!!! If the timeline was mutually agreed upon (i.e. he was not forced into it, which I’m assuming is not the case), then it should only be changed by mutual decision. 

I would sit him down for an honest conversation and tell him how you feel– hurt, betrayed, confused, etc. There are two people’s feelings/dreams/futures at play in every relationship. It does neither of you any good if you are going to feel quietly upset and resentful until September. I mean, is the grand proposal really worth all that? 

Just wanted to add… I have been going through this with my SO recently, and I know how it really really sucks. Hang in there!  

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