- 6 years ago
- Wedding: November 2014 - Historic cinema
Sigh. Was a very bad little waiting bee yesterday.
We were talking in the morning and the subject of Manfriend’s flatmates came up.
*** (Manfriend owns his own independant dvd rental store and lives sthere also. It is not a thriving business and he has 3 flatmates who live there and volunteer also. Right now, the rent from the flatmates is paying the rent of the store. It will never be feasible for Mnfriend to have a proper house, owned or rented, as long as he has the store, as the funds just aren’t there, and he was shocked to learn during one of our conversations that I would happily live at the store with him. Although I have never had flatmates nor would I ever want to have them.) ***
Anyway, I have 3 weeks left of my floristry course and was so disappointed the other day that the job I was hoping to get went to someone more experienced to me although I was the 2nd choice. I am now a little worried about my ability to find a job. I rent a house and am desperate to move in with Manfriend, not only for financial reasons but because I am so ready to move forward (obviously, or I wouldn’t be on this site!)
*** More background – We have been together 2 years next month and I have known for a year that he is the one I will spend my life with. There is a 19 year age difference between us and I am only his 4th gf, his other r/ships have been jst as unhealthy and as short as mine, we have both been cheated on and treated terribly by our exes, so neither we, our friends and our families can believe how perfect we are together and we are just so happy, never fight, have so much fun and are just so in love. ***
However, I think he is scared, by how after years of believing he would be a bachelor forever, he finds himself in a serious r/ship that is leading to marriage and a life he never imagined he would have.
He knows that I am ready for marriage and I am the one who brings the subject up. He has said it will happen….”One day”
So, back to yesterday, the subject of the flatmates came up and I asked him what the plans of 2 of them were after school ends this year (they are students) and if they will be moving out. He didn’t know. And I brought up my moving in. He said that the store is finally doing o at the moment with their rent coming in. I said that I of course didn’t anticipate living there for free and expected that I would contribute rent, less than I pay now at my place but equal to 3/4 of what the current flatmates pay.
He just kept brushing me off and then the feelings of doubt just washed over me and I broke down completely.
How can I have been so sure for over a year that I want nothing more to be with him, but he still seems unsure. Like he is still deciding if I am good enough and that the answer to date keeps being no. It hurts so much that I feel so rejected. I know it’s not like that and that he is nervous and worried about things like finances and if he is good enough, but all I can feel is that I am the one who is not good enough.
I felt rotten for the rest of the day, and even worse when he came over after work and before his squash game to bring me dvds and chocolate treats to make me feel better.
Sorry this ended up so lng, I guess I just needed to vent to you all and see if any other Bees feel that same sting of “constant rejection” by their SOs?