(Closed) Totally unsupportive fiancé….and I'm beyond frustrated.

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Please classify how you and your partner divided up the wedding planning

    I did ALL the work

    I did most of the work

    We worked together on almost everything

    My partner did most of the work

    My partner did ALL the work

    I had certain tasks and my partner had certain tasks

  • Post # 17
    Member
    1673 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    I can understand the frustration!  I’ve had to ask Fiance numerous times for simple things that go undone for weeks.  I hate it.  We were good about planning our actual trip and wedding details together (short meetings, etc) but that little stuff DROVE ME NUTS.

    Post # 18
    Member
    215 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    I feel your pain.  The only way I’ve gotten my guy to work with me is setting aside a time once a week to talk about the wedding stuff and when we do I have a presentation where I say you have 3 choices, what do you think.  Normally, I can get an answer. But I’m sorry he’s being such a goober.

    Post # 19
    Member
    485 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: January 2015

    Been there. IMO “I don’t know” is sometimes the go-to, mentally lazy answer. Or maybe he does have an opinion but says “I don’t know” because he really thinks you’ll do whatever you wanted to do in the first place anyway, so why bother. Or, he truly doesn’t care and would be fine with walking to the JOP. I feel for you. BTDT.

    Post # 20
    Member
    485 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    “I’m going to do whatever I want so what’s the point in him deciding anything (so very hurtful and not true!)”


    Oh yea – I’ve heard that too.  It’s just a cop out for when they get frustrated and don’t want to help.   It’s just a lame excuse.

    Post # 21
    Member
    2842 posts
    Sugar bee

    @Maria444:  Well I’m not planning a wedding because we’re going to the courthouse. But I will say this, while some men are interested in these kinds of things most are not. I don’t think it says that he doesn’t care. My Fiance has trouble picking out flowers just to give me on a random day. He’s horrible with presents. Just all decisions like that in general. He doesn’t know what he should choose, what looks best or anything at all about weddings so I know he would be no help. Sometimes I have to tell him the clothes he’s wearing don’t match. I hear that you’re stressed and would like some help, but he probably just doesn’t know what would look good or be appropriate. He’s out of his element. Try and cut him some slack.

    ETA: I do not mean to sound harsh by that last sentence. Venting is good if you need to get it out. I’m not at all trying to say you should quit whining. Maybe gift yourself a spa day or something to relax, you deserve it. 🙂

    Post # 25
    Member
    2842 posts
    Sugar bee

    @Maria444:  Good for you. Try and catch up with old friends while you’re home…and try to steer the conversation away from wedding talk.

    Post # 26
    Member
    1699 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 1997

    @Maria444:you said: “‘Im doing quadruple duty:  wedding planning, work, cooking, plus taking care of our pets AND cleaning the house.”

    Have seen many women in your shoes. It only engenders even more resentment than you have now.

    Yes, you will continue to have all the responsibility after marriage. You’re getting a raw deal. Would not walk down the aisle until you resolve the issue of you being taken advantage of.

    Post # 27
    Member
    274 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @Maria444:  Same thing happened with us and booking rooms for his family…. because of him putting it off they are now staying 40 mins away from where the wedding is. Wonderful … I cant explain how upset I was lol I decided to just not care, they just better be around to help clean up and not take off early…. or hes going to hear about it again im sure lol

    I have snapped more than a few times, he just didnt understand AT all how hard it is to compile all this information…keep track of multiply vendors, deposits and coordinate all of them! It is insanely hard to be your own wedding planner with NO help.

    Its SO close to being over now, we are on the home stretch 🙂

    Post # 28
    Member
    653 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    You are not alone.

     Thankfully this will be a simple wedding or I would be driven totally insane since I am planning this alone (no family in my state). To give him credit, he does attend the appointments I make for us.

    Also in his defense he does have a 4-hour-a-day commute so I lay off of him and limit the real planning for the weekends. We also don’t live together so that limits some of the planning.  

    Post # 29
    Member
    21 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    OMG this is how I feel every day! People tell me stuff like “don’t clean up/plan anything/do things for him and he will get the point” but really, he has lived in trash can-like conditions before so it would just me miserable. I have no advice, but it sucks really bad and does make you wonder if they will ever grow up….

    Post # 30
    Member
    7813 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    I’m sorr you are feeling so frustraed. I am not into planning, so Fiance did most of the work for our elopment. If he had made it known he was feeling resentful, I would have stepped out. I asked how he felt about it and he was happy to do it.

    Post # 31
    Member
    121 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 1993

    @Maria444:  The wedding is three weeks away.  You can’t go back and change the past now.  Your Fiance is different than you, he thinks about things differently than you, and the current way you are handling things doesn’t seem to be working…so you might want to try a new approach.

    For the future, you might want to give him lists of things that need to get done, along with exactly what they entail, and then say “which two of these things can you take on and get done this week/month/etc.  I know I learned that my DH does care about detail-ly things, but he doesn’t have it in him to listen to me talk about the ins and outs of each detail — it’s just too much work for what he sees as small things.  So I get the info together, and provide him with two or three options and then say — “pick the one you like best.”

    I think planning a wedding is fun and frustrating.  I am personally very glad that my DH was only minimally involved with the key decisisions, and left the rest to me.  You might be just as frustrated or more if your Fiance had been totally involved — if he disagreed with you on colors, prices, style, etc. etc. you might now be questioning whether the two of you are really compatible. 

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