Post # 1
A friend of mine called me recently and told me that given her money situation, she is unable to give us a gift for our shower. She apologized profusely, and I told her I understood and that I still wanted her to attend the shower and come celebrate and have some good food and drinks with us.
At first she was okay with this, but now she is calling me again and saying that she doesn’t feel comfortable coming without a gift and that she will feel stupid. I keep telling her that it is NOT about the gift, I just want her to be there and that no one will even pay attention to who brought what. She is still going back and forth between attending the shower and not going.
Anyone have any suggestions as to how I can make her realize that it’s okay and the gift doesn’t matter?? I’m begining to think maybe she just doesn’t want to come…..
Post # 3
I know often at showers the gifts are open in front of everybody and she might not want to deal with the embarrassment of nothing from her. Any way you can promise to do gifts after everyone leaves so she can avoid that?
Post # 4
@MissCalifornia: I agree with this – OP I’m sure your friend does want to come but she doesn’t want to be embarrassed during the part where you open gifts.
Post # 5
There’s not much that you can say beyond what you already have. If she’s uncomfortable coming empty handed then so be it. You’ve let it be known that you don’t care about the gift and you just want her there to celebrate. That’s really as far as you need to take it.
@MissCalifornia: The whole purpose of the shower is to “shower” the bride with gifts and guests expect said gifts to be opened in their presence. I would probably wonder why the bride decided not to open her gifts infront of the guests and I imagine some may even be a little put off by it.
Post # 6
Unless your shower is very small (like under 10 people), I doubt anyone is going to be keeping track of who gave what besides the person who you put in charge of that.
Post # 7
Tell her to just give you a card at the shower. I received many cards with just money/gift cards in them at my shower. So it’s not like the other guests will know that her card is empty.
Post # 8
I doubt anyone would ever notice. She could just bring you a card if she doesn’t want to come empty handed.
Post # 9
What if she ducked out before the presents were opened? Or just got you a really lovely card so at least you’d be opening something from her and she wouldn’t feel out of place? To be honest, I wouldn’t notice if someone didn’t have a gift at a shower (unless there were only like 5 people there). If anyone noticed, they would likely think she gave it to you previously or forgot it.
Post # 10
Did you register somewhere very expensive? Maybe you could tell her it doesn’t matter WHAT gift she gives, you’ll love it regardless.
Post # 11
She’s probably just embarrassed that she can’t afford to bring a gift. I wouldn’t push her any further because it will only make her even more embarrassed.
Post # 12
I agree with PPs that she’s probably just embarassed. Is she a good cook? You could ask her to write down some of her favorite recipes for you. A card is also a good idea.
Post # 13
Tell her you won’t be opening gifts at the shower (and then don’t open gifts). As a guest, it’s easily the most excruciating part anyway, I always appreciate it when the part is skipped.
Post # 14
@UpstateCait: That’s what I was going to say. No one is going to be looking around the room with a mental checklist of who gave what. Usually it’s a quick little “Thanks Aunt Mary” without much focus on the gift giver.
Also I just saw the card idea, that sounds good too! It would be inappropriate to count out money in a card and yell out the amount so a simple opening the card, smiling and saying thank you is all you need to do.
Post # 15
Thanks for your input!!
I thought about not opening gifts in front of everyone, but I have family members that would be very put-off if they bought me a gift and I didn’t open it until they left. I remember going to a “green” shower where everyone was told to bring their unwrapped gift and place it on the table. The bride did not look at nor did she personally thank anyone the day of. I didn’t care, but I remember people in the family thinking she was extremely rude and wanted to see her open the gifts since they had spent so much money.
As far as our registry goes, we have a wide variety of items ranging from $5 to over a hundred. Not much has been purchased from the registry, and what has been purchased are big ticket items so there are plenty cheap items still there. I made sure to do a pretty tame registry.
I think I will suggest bringing up the card idea if she asks about it again. As of now she is going, so I am happy that I will get to see her and spend time with her 🙂
Post # 16
You might want to mention to your gift-recorder before the party about the situation. My shower was small and my Maid/Matron of Honor quickly realized she didn’t write something down for 1 friend so she mentioned it to me, thinking she missed out. It would be possible that the friend could overhear and become an issue.