Post # 1
Alright ladies, I need help and opinions on a controversial touchy subject.
my daughter (5) has a best friend who lives three doors down from us, they are in the same class and inseperable in and out of school, the girl and her 8 year old brother come over every day to play at our house.
we have met the mom a couple times but never the dad until today. When we moved in we did a sex offender search in the neighborhood but never saw the guy, my husband recognized my daughters friends dad as the offender. When we got home we did a more thorough search.
he is tier 3 which in our state is the worst it can get, meaning it was violent or with a child. we searched the state of conviction for more details and it said three counts of lewd or lascivious behavior on a child in 97, and again failure to register in 2012.
Obviously my daughter will never be going to their house but I’m stuck. If their dad is doing something I don’t want to abandon these kids when they can feel safe in my home but at the same time I worry they may suffer and pass on things they know but shouldn’t to my child. My child and family is my priority but can I abandon these kids when they may need our home as a safe net?
my daughter will never be allowed at their home but do I continue to let them come to my home? I want to be there for these kids but I can’t risk my daughter being exposed by these kids if their dad has done something to them.
Post # 3
@Mrslovebug: wow that is a really tough situation. I honestly don’t know what I would do. It seems sad to punish the kids, but you’re correct in being concerned about what they have been exposed to. What if they can come over but must always be supervised- no playing alone in bedrooms or the basement?
Post # 4
@Mrslovebug: I was raped when I was younger and this caused me to touch other children. I didn’t quite understand what I was doing and nor do I remember what I did to my friends. My friends parents cut ties with us and looking back that was the best choice those parents could have made.
Keep your kids out of their house and if you can trust yourself to watch the children 100% then I would allow them to play at your house. I would also dicuss “privates” with your daughter…too many parents forget to talk to their children about the dangers of molestation. There are lots of books that you can purchase that help make explaining everything easier.
Post # 5
@mamadingdong: thank you for your reply. My husband was saying the same thing and to limit their time to a couple days a week I instead of very day. We just dont have the time to watch their every move every day with cleaning, cooking, taking care of the animals etc
Post # 7
@Mrslovebug: if these children have always behaved normally, I see no reason to suddenly ban them from your home. My advise would be to be vigilant. Keep an eye on them when they’re at your house, ask your child open ended questions about what they did, talked about after they leave.
how old is the Dad? Is it possible his offense occurred when he was younger with a (too) young girlfriend?
Post # 8
@Payless: thank you for your response. I had a rough childhood so I’ve made it a point to discuss private parts and keeping our hands to ourselves with my daughter two or three times but when I was a kid I was too afraid to tell my mom what was going on so I worry if it happens to my daughter that she will be afraid to tell me so I tell her all the time she won’t get in trouble. After I found out he was an offender I asked my daughter if her friends ever do anything weird and she said no after a couple minutes of mumbling and trying not to answer me. We keep an eye on them with ever thought we would need to literally watch them every second
Post # 9
This is really tough. If I were in your shoes I would let the children come to my house still. You don’t know what it is like in their own home and *if* something inappropriate is happening your safe and comfortable home may be a real treat for them to visit.
On the flip side I agree that there is some danger in the other children potentially telling your child things she shouldn’t hear but this still wouldn’t deter me. I can tell that you are a very caring and responsible person because you’re so worried about not only your child’s well-being but the other children’s well-being too. That being said, anything I think your child would hear you could handle explaining in a way that doesn’t totally scar her. I mean, not having these children at your home doesn’t stop her from hearing about it at school or on the bus or for that matter it doesn’t stop her from hearing something vulgar from a different child entirely. I understand your fears but I think you can handle it!
Post # 10
@Mrslovebug: yes- educate your daughter about inappropriate from anyone- kids or adults. Could you talk to their mom? I can’t even imagine how awkward it would be…
Post # 11
@Mrslovebug: I would go over as a couple and have a talk with him. I would tell him that we know of his record and have some concerns. I would ask him to share details of his offense. He will not be surprised at your curiosity.
His original offense was 16 years ago, perhaps even several years earlier depending on how long it took to get to trial, if he had one. Depending on his age, it is possible that he was a teenage boy who had a relationship with an underage girl and charges were pressed by an outraged Dad.
If he won’t share the details, I would still let his children play at my home, but, like you, I would never let my children be in his home or company.
Post # 12
@Zhabeego: I was wondering the same thing, but level 3 is the worst, highly dangerous to the community and likely to be a repeat offender. That’s not usually assigned to incidents with teenagers.
I agree with not just stopping contact with the kids, but allowing them over only when you can monitor their activity closely. I hope this turns out for the better and not the worse. I’m sorry you are dealing with this.
Post # 13
@Zhabeego: I was a normal child and nobody would have ever known anything happened to me. The only reason anyone knew of the “games” I played with other children was due to being caught. All of that information is of course from my mother since I don’t remember any of it myself.
@Mrslovebug: “My body is Mine” is an awsome book 🙂
Also, it is NOT your place to discuss this with those children. Sometimes when adults ask children questions they get answers that seem really fishy but are actually harmless. My little sister REALLY liked licking people when she was little (this was her dog phase) and ended up telling a friends parents that she licked our father…This led to CPS coming and it ended a friendship between to kiddo’s.
EDIT TO ADD: I wouldn’t assume her mumbling meant anything happened. Sometimes kids avoid questions they can tell you are anxious about. Often they say what they think you want to hear so try not to over press the issue 🙂
Post # 14
@Zhabeego: he was 20 when he was convicted so I considered statutory rape but the court papers strictly say “child”, in my state it says “minor under 18” or “child under 12”, our state records don’t have details though which is why I checked his state and it only said “child” so idk what their age limit is, only that he went to trial court for three counts
Post # 15
What a tough situation.
You need to protect your children first. I would cut ties with that family.