Post # 1
OK – so this is hard for me to write, but I just wanted some opinions. My best friend in the whole wide world is my maid of honor. I was her maid of honor, she’s mine (matron technically). OK – so she comes from a family that has always struggled with weight issues. She fluctuates more than any other person I know. She also has a family history of Crohns, Colitis, you name it, they have it. For her own wedding, she really got herself in great shape and looked amazing. I worked out with her every day, and I looked pretty amazing too! She’s since had a child (over 3 years ago) and has continuously put on weight…. a LOT of weight. She complains about it of course, but at the end of the day, it just seems like she does not care at all. She mentioned to me about how she was going to get into shape for my wedding, but hasn’t done anything but gain more weight. I worry about her….. not for my wedding of course, but for her general health and for the habits she’s teaching her child as well. I’ve tried to be encouraging with her….. she even mentioned how before the wedding she was going to cut back on carbs and try to exercise more, but apparently that’s not working out for her and she literally told me on the phone that she doesn’t think that will happen because she’s going on vacation before the wedding anyway, so it’s a good thing she ordered her dress a little larger.
It hurts me because I know she doesn’t like herself like this, and she’s my best friend and obviously I want what is in her best interest. I feel so mean even writing this, but I just want to know if anybody else has dealt with someone like this in their lives and is it even appropriate for me to say something to her about it? I’ve never EVER told her I thought she needed to lose weight, even when she talks about it herself, I’ve always just told her that she’s a beautiful woman and that she needs to do whatever she can do to feel good about herself. And I also think back to when we were getting ready for her wedding and how I exercised with her every day and I was there helping and supporting her, and I just wish she felt the desire to do that with me for my big day…. but she doesn’t. It’s hard. Even other people have been commenting to me after they saw her at the bridal shower. It’s such a touchy subject and it’s so hard to ever say this to anybody….. I can’t use the old “let’s start dieting and working out so we look amazing for my wedding pictures” excuse to get her motivated because the wedding is in 2 weeks and there isn’t even time for that….. try as I might before that, she just seemed to blow me off and tell me that as the wedding gets closer, she’ll start up again, but she hasn’t.
I don’t want to make this seem like I’m just trying to get her thinner for my wedding, because that’s not the case…. I am concerned about her overall health and well being…… I was just trying to use my wedding as an excuse to help her get motivated, but it obviously didn’t work. Any thoughts? Anybody else go through this with a good friend?
Post # 3
As a person who has struggled with her weight for years…no one can help a person lose weight unless they are truly committed to doing it themselves.
The only thing I think you can do is invite her to be active, but it’s up to her to accept or not.
But it’s impossible to lose weight unless you are in it 100%, and it’s only hurtful for someone you love to tell you exactly what you already know.
Post # 4
I have a friend who has weight issues, too. I’ve tried suggesting that we work out together and eat healthier together but it doesn’t work. If you push anymore, it might strain your friendship, too. You’re going to have to let your Maid/Matron of Honor decide on her own that she needs to make some lifestyle changes.
Post # 5
You can’t help those who don’t want to help themselves, and it sounds like your friend isn’t helping herself.
I don’t have the exact same situation, but one of my Bridesmaid or Best Man has been engaging in really destructive behavior (don’t want to go into details). I care about her so much and I told her I was worried, tried to talk to her about it, gave her my advice, tried to pump her up and motivate her…..and nothing ever worked. It got to the point where she started accusing me of being critical and judgmental and we got into an argument, so since that argument, I have not said anything. All you can do is be there for your friends when they need you, but you can’t change the way they live their own lives. It’s frustrating for sure, but just be there for your friend if she ever does want to start a work out and fitness program with you.
Post # 6
You should absolutely NOT EVER bring this up to her. As a plus size woman, I would be beyond mortified if my best friend hinted that I needed to lose weight. She has eyes and can see that I’m heavy but it is in her best interest to keep her mouth shut. Unless she comes to you for advice, it’s not your place to comment or pass judgment. She got into shape for her wedding because it was HER wedding. She was the focus and all eyes were on her. This isn’t the case for your wedding. If she wants to lose weight she will but please, don’t even try to hint at it. I promise you that it will do nothing but piss her off and affect your relationship.
Post # 7
I understand your concern for your friend. However, I would advise against ever saying anything to her about her weight. She already knows this. And since she has had this issue since childhood she is probably more well-educated than most about her own health and weight issues. The only way I would say to mention it to her is if she specifically asks for your opinion and/or advice. Otherwise, just love her unconditionally and support her as your friend.
You could unintentionally cause her a lot of emotional pain if you gave unsolicited advice or opinions about her weight. It could do more harm than good.
Post # 8
She knows what she needs to do to lose weight. Period. She does not need to know you are concerned. Even if you tell her, it’s not going to magically motivate her to make the changes she needs to do to lose the weight. Pointing it out to her will only make her feel like she’s not good enough, IMO.
From someone who has gone up and down with their weight (80 lb yo-yo’s over several years), just support her when and if she is ever ready to make a change.
Also, her lack of getting in shape for your wedding has nothing to do with you or your friendship or her not caring about your wedding (I’m reading into your post, so sorry if I’m OVER reading into it!). I can understand, though, how if those were your expectations it would be frustrating/disappointing that she wasn’t getting with the program.
ETA: are you also upset because you helped her lose weight for her wedding and she has not reciprocated? If that’s the case, maybe tell her you’d love her support on your weight loss journey and let her know how she can help support you.
Post # 9
@MissMaryMc: Yes. Yes. Yes.
OP, I also have struggled with my weight and had a family issue about it. No matter what you say, the only person who can address the problem is your friend herself.
What I can tell is this:
Weight gain/loss is generally symptomatic of something else emotional. It’s tough to figure that out, but rather than focusing on her eating habits and activity, perhaps just ask her how life is. You may find that she’s struggling in other areas–those areas can have an effect on weight. Focus on helping her to be happy–not thin, not even “healthy”–just happy. Don’t worry about the rest.
Be sensitive. When you say things like “I fear for what she feeds her child” and “she hasn’t done anything but gain more weight” that you wish she had the desire to get in shape for her wedding, it sounds hurtful and judgemental. I know your heart’s in the right place, but it’s going to be taken as judgment: you don’t care about your health or your child’s, you dont’ respect yourself, you’re lazy, you’re letting yourself–and me–down, and you’re failing. Again, that’s not what you are saying, but that’s probably how she’s going to hear it, and when you are talking about someone making a change in their life, which is difficult and requires courage even if you see the change as beneficial, feeling those things and that way (lazy, a failure, lacking self-discipline) makes one feel like they don’t deserve to change or that they’re too weak to change. In order to embark on such a thing requires a lot of faith in oneself and that determination is difficult to find if your self-esteem is in the dumps. I can’t imagine that she didn’t notice herself that people looked her up and down at your shower and believe me, those looks really do help to kill a person’s spirit.
Post # 10
I don’t really have too much advice, but I just wanted to say that I feel for you because I am in the same sort of situation with my younger brother. He’s struggled with his weight his entire life coupled with self-confidence and serious anxiety issues, which makes it very hard for him to stay motivated and positive to change.
I try very hard not to mention anything unless he brings it up and if he does, I try to be encouraging and sensitive without being overbearing. It truly does suck, I’m absolutely concerned for his health and longevity of life, but the previous posters are right…there’s not much you can do other than be a supportive friend. You definitely don’t want to push her too much and have it affect your relationship. People have to be committed to change for themselves.
Post # 11
So you say that you are concerned about her health, which I completely believe, but then you comment on:
“I just wish she felt the desire to do that with me for my big day…. but she doesn’t.”
“Even other people have been commenting to me after they saw her at the bridal shower.”
Her weight is not about you and I’m sorry if this sounds harsh. If anyone commented to me about my friend’s weight, I would tell them to STFU. (In a nice, sweet, tactful way…but I’d be thinking STFU in my head)
As a PP stated, I’m sure she knows she’s overweight. This isn’t about you and you cannot do anything about it. Concentrate on you and being the best person you can be, and she may follow suit, however. I know whenever I see my friends doing great, healthy things for themselves, it kind of fires me up to up my own game as well.
Post # 12
Hi there, does she have Crohns herself, or just other family members? I’m asking because I also have Crohns, and have been on and off steroids to treat the condition for many years. This has resulted in a large increase in weight which is really hard to get off. Definitely don’t say anything to her – she will know herself that she has a weight problem, and her best friend pointing it out to her will just upset her.
Post # 13
I’ve routinely gone up and down 50lbs! It’s been horrific and I feel as if I live in a state of semi-depression because of it. It’s hard. Only she can decide for herself when she hits her rock bottom weight-wise. Until then, just continue being the good friend that you are and be there for her when she eventually does need/want a workout buddy!
Post # 14
I agree with PP. Do not say anything. EVER. If she’s already sensitive about it, she needs you to be there for her, as a freind, not as someone who’s trying to change her.
Post # 15
Weight loss is super hard. It’s, like, the hardest thing ever for people who struggle with weight and food and body issues. I think it’s probably impossible for somebody who’s never had that struggle to understand. I believe you come from a sincere place in your concern for her, but the truth is, you will only serve to make her feel worse if you were to mention her weight to her.
Post # 16
Who cares about her weight? I think that is really sad 🙁 I let people be themselves. It is her body, and your job as a friend to love her no matter what and support her as she is. It will just make it worse to say something.