(Closed) Touchy subject– postnup

posted 1 year ago in Legal
Post # 2
Member
2176 posts
Buzzing bee

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lifeisbeeutiful :  did you both agree to this prior to marriage? if so, was there something preventing you from having a prenup drawn up at the time to draw out these stipulations? perhaps that would’ve eased some of the hurt feelings right now, maybe? either way, that ship has clearly sailed. I’m sorry you’re in such a tough spot. 

that being said, you seem like a really practical person, and $250k is a fuck ton more than $40k on “life expenses” when you’re talking future wages lost and a hit to your personal retirement in the future. if you both agreed upon this, there’s no reason he should be acting weird right now…

what is he doing? just pouting? clearly anything anticipating the future dissolve of your relationship is unromantic, but we see how many people end up looking back wishing they’d looked out for their own best interest when the relationship *does* unexpectedly dissolve.

maybe ask yourself this: in the case of a divorce, would your future self say that tiptoeing around your husband’s feelings was worth $250k + (net wages lost) + (gross retirement lost)? 

Post # 4
Member
6978 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

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lifeisbeeutiful :  Two quick questions: 1) Are you saying you’re putting the entirety of your life savings into this down payment? And 2) is there a reason you’re putting 50% down? 

Post # 5
Member
9101 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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lifeisbeeutiful :  I would frame it to him as, your marriage has the same probability of success whether this agreement is in place or not. Having an agreement doesn’t make you more likely to separate, and not having an agreement doesn’t make you less likely to separate. The agreement changes none of that. The only thing it does change is that with the agreement, IF you separate, you’ll get back the money that you laid out. Without the agreement, you will won’t. So by not signing, he is saying that if you separate, he should keep half of the money that you saved up and put into the house. Is that really how he feels?

Post # 6
Member
1213 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

I have no problem with these kinds of agreements! If you don’t ever see the marriage ending I don’t see the big deal in signing them. It’s your savings and you are gladly willing to spend it together on a home, but if you separate do not want to split the original 250k that you yourself put in. If you saw it ending you wouldn’t be investing it in your family in a home you’d be keeping it in the bank.

 If it’s an asset or savings that is theirs I don’t think the spouse should want part of it in the event of a breakup. Have you asked him if he thinks it’s fair that he would get half of my 250k? If you are arguing about this now imagine the argument if you were divorcing.

Definitely do it! 

I would question why putting 50% down and if you could be getting a better rate of return on your investment not putting it all in the house but creating financial freedom and cash flow for yourselves. Sitting in the house or sitting in a savings account it’s not really working for you.

Post # 8
Member
2176 posts
Buzzing bee

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lifeisbeeutiful :  could you tell him that another option would be to only put 25% of your savings down and pay a bigger monthly mortgage? that sounds like a good compromise, kinda? 

also, I think you should confront him on his behavior. if this was something you two agreed upon prior to marriage/seeking homes, he needs to hold up his end of the bargain and grow up. his behavior is unacceptable and shows that he’s not acknowledging all that you have to lose in the very likely event that you two ever choose not to continue the relationship. 

also, freaking congratulations on saving up $250k! That is a HUUUUGE accomplishment!

Post # 11
Member
9160 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

When you say he spent his $40k savings on “your life” what exactly does that mean? Also it is slightly unfair that you will recoup your total investment/savings in “your life” (because that is what buying a house is) but he I am assuming won’t get anything for his $40k. I am not saying you shouldn’t get your savings back in the event of a divorce and house sale but just that it seems unfair that because his savings were used on other things for “your life” that he gets zip. A post or pre nup is about being fair to both parties. 

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lifeisbeeutiful :  

Post # 13
Member
7129 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

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lifeisbeeutiful :  I don’t think you are wrong or unreasonable. If anything, he’s being unreasonable and going back on his word. I think you could have a conversation about it (if it feels necessary or like you won’t be able to move forward without the discussion).

I would put purchasing a home on hold until getting this worked out. Women tend to live longer than men and are more likely to end up in poverty because of making financial decisions with our emotions. Your 90-something year old self cannot afford to leave this money on the table and hope that things remain good with your husband.

Post # 15
Member
3302 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

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lifeisbeeutiful :  stay resolute.  I would be irate that he is now sulking and dragging his feet to sign your previously agreed upon post nup.  Given a (huge) disparity in actual dollar investment, one would hope the lesser contributor would embrace the concept of fairness. Clearly he is not…

The topic ‘Touchy subject– postnup’ is closed to new replies.

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