Post # 1
I’m a regular bee going anonymous for this issue I’m facing.
Fiance and I are getting married in a few months. However, at this point, I don’t know what to do anymore. We seem to have the same issues come up every once in awhile. One of them being porn. I have caught him multiple times and each time, he said he would stop. Well, today, here we go again.
He had one of his old cellphones laying around so I wondered why. I picked it up and I saw that it was connected to our home wifi. I opened the browser and what do you know, pages and pages of porn videos, etc.
I don’t even know what to say to him anymore. Got any suggestions?
Also, would your opinion about this change (if you were me) if you were overweight and maybe he just finds you unattractive right now? Does this validate what he’s been doing?
Post # 3
@unsureofeverything0506: Your appearance is no excuse for his actions. If you’re not ok with it, then it’s not ok. Period.
Post # 4
I disagree with pp that if you’re not ok with it then it not okay. Yes he agreed not to and lied that is wrong but clearly the plan you came up with for him is not working for him. You need to come up with a plan together that both of you are okay with. To me porn is one of those things you almost have to be on the same page about – if ones not okay with it and one is its tricky. He shouldn’t have to give up something he enjoys because you want him to nor should you have to be okay with something your not okay with.
May I ask why you’re against It? I ask because I used to dislike it as well when I was insecure with my body and relationship with my ex. Once I got over my own insecurities with my body and got a man that I trust and have a healthy relationship with, porn didn’t matter to me if mug Darling Husband watches it or not.
Post # 5
I personally don’t have an issue with porn. I do have an issue with dishonesty though. Your weight should have nothing to do with this.
It sounds like you need to sit down and talk. Find out why he is watching so much porn. See if you can come to a compromise. Maybe counselling would help with this?
Post # 6
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@unsureofeverything0506: You have made it clear that you don’t approve of porn and he continues to look at it. Unless you change your mind (unlikely) or he changes his behavior (even less likely), this relationship isn’t going to work out. If you don’t approve of porn, you need to find a man who doesn’t like porn or is okay with never looking at porn.
Post # 7
@AB Bride: +1
I don’t think he should necessarily stop watching porn because you don’t like it (although he should be considerate about how you feel about it) but if he told you that he wouldn’t and he still does then that’s definitely an issue. Also, weight and appearance should have absolutely nothing to do with it. That does not validate it.
Post # 8
@unsureofeverything0506: I definitely don’t think your Fiance looks at porn because he finds you unattractive, not at all. People have different opinions regarding pornography. Some consider it cheating, some don’t. Everyone has a right to their opinion because they have no control over their feelings. I would personally rather my husband act out his fantasies through pictures and videos than with a real live woman behind my back.
I can’t tell you how to feel. It wouldn’t be fair to tell you to just chill out if it bothers you that much. You can talk to him about it, tell him exactly why it bothers you, but don’t get all weepy about it because then he’ll just tune you out and say you’re being ridiculous.
Post # 9
You should marry someone who has the same values as you in this department if it’s that big of a deal to you.
Post # 10
@unsureofeverything0506: Why don’t you like him watching porn? I think porn is better than him online chatting and etc…how about you watch it with him and in the process try to implement something you seen in it to your routine….spice things up a little and show him you can be his own personal porn star
Post # 11
@AB Bride: +1
@unsureofeverything0506: I can definitely relate; I was engaged a few years ago to a guy who admitted that he was addicted to porn–he had like 14 gigs of porn pictures on his computer and they were hidden in the system folders where he thought I wouldn’t see them. If you have talked to him about it and it is something that the two of you fundamentally disagree on, then you really need to think about what is important to you and whether you can live with it. It sounds like you want him to give it up and he doesn’t want to and is lying to you about it. I don’t think this is something he is going to just change since he’s been unwilling or unable this far along even though it’s come up serveral times before.
Some couples are ok with each other watching porn, others are not. There’s nothing wrong with you for not liking it and there’s nothing wrong with him for liking it; you two just need to figure out if you can deal with a difference of opinion there.
Post # 12
Hm, this is a toughy.
My Fiance is into porn, but so am I….I am plus sized, and love being big…So I guess we’re exact opposites!
I agree with @deetroitwhat: said where you two should be of the same mind on this subject.
I don’t know if this is approperiate, but why not sit with him and watch some porn and see if you could at least become comfortable enough to let him watch it? I mean this with no disrespect! If you are really against porn because of some closely gaurded reasons then I totally understand, but if you feel like you would be comfortable enough to sit with him and watch it maybe a common ground could be met?
I’d also like to say that just because he watches porn doesn’t mean he finds you unattractive, maybe he likes the fantasy of a certain situation playing out. I mean…Everyone has fantasies. Maybe this is just simple human curiosity playing out, has he explained to you why he is interested in porn?
I really hope you two can find some common ground here, and compromise where both of you will be happy. I don’t feel too comfortable asking my man to give up something that he enjoys as a simple pass time. That is just me though, and that is what works for our relationship.
Post # 13
- Wedding: September 2013 - Creek club at ion, SC
I have issues with porn but I think even the most pro-porn person will agree that theres a level of it that is unhealthy and hiding it and lying about it is also very unhealthy. I dont know if you Fiance is addicted or just lying to you … either way its not good.
If he is pro porn and doesnt see anything wrong with it he should have come to you as a man and said so, not get caught. I think him not doing that has caused more ruptions than the actual porn. You shouldnt stand for it, you made your views very clear on porn and he agreed and then lied. A relationship cant be built like that.
Its got nothing to do with your size or you or your body. porn has nothing to do with reality, many men with porn addictions cant even function in real relationship because theyre stuck in that world.
Post # 14
While I think there’s no harm in men watching porn, there is harm in you specifically telling him you’re uncomfortable with something and him doing it behind your back anyway. And you having gained weight has absolutely no bearing on the issue.
Post # 15
@unsureofeverything0506: first things first, he is marrying you. If he doesnt find you attractive or he doesn’t love you, he wouldn’t be marrying you. so that, has nothing to do with your weight.
second, it doesn’t matter if it’s wrong or right to watch porn, bottom line is that he lied. Ask him why he lied, and then ask yourself if there is a compromise if you truly want to be with him for the rest of your life. If there is no compromise, what are you going to do?
Post # 16
When I used to model, and Fiance was with me, I looked great. Fiance had an issue with watching porn a lot so I asked him to stop and he did. And he used to watch it all the time.
Fast forward to now, because of stress, I’ve gained 55 pounds, and I’m in the overweight BMI range. Even so, he still doesn’t watch porn. I think the dishonesty your Fiance is showing is not cool. It may make you feel even worse about your weight.