(Closed) Tough relationship with FSIL (sorry, long)

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 16
2156 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

MarathonNurse:  You need to stand up for yourself and learn to use the phrase ”f*ck off…” .. there is no way I would ever let anyone speak to me like that, she sounds like a class A bitch.

I would let her know that unfortunately with your crooked teeth and 2 extra pounds you might inadvertently ruin her wedding photos, so you will be stepping down as bridesmaid.. and then make sure to get engaged 2 days before her wedding. That’s what I would do 😀

Post # 18
4037 posts
Honey bee

Yep, drop out of her bridal party, but first jot down all the snarky comments she’s made, and go over them, with your brother, so he knows why you’re dropping out. And make sure your FH gets control of the microphone, at their reception, and announces your engagement. While you’re at it, you could always wear a long, ivory dress, to their wedding.

I have a sister in law like that. Narcissistic and histrionic. I finally gained control when I wrote her out of my life over 10 year ago, when they moved out of the area. Constantly criticizes other people, always right; it’s amazing no one has strangled her by now. For her wedding she went totally Bridezilla. My daughter and her cousin were flowergirls. I should have said no. She insisted they wear tights, since “little girls’ legs are so hairy.” Their dresses went to mid-calf, they were both blondes, and it was a hot summer day. And this was from a woman who is super hairy (brunette). The nerve!

Post # 19
1450 posts
Bumble bee

You need to let your family know how she is treating you.  If you let her step all over you like this now, then after she gets married and becomes officially family, she’s going to get worst because now she has leverage and knows she can get away with stuff.  You MUST take a stand for yourself NOW.  It’s not going to stop once the wedding is over.  Once you have children she’s going to treat you and your kids like sh*t because she’s not going to want you to “upstage” her children.  There are so many women who come onto these boards to say they have a SIL from hell because of the bullying etc. but by then, their families can’t do anything because the SIL will threaten the grandparents that they can’t see their grandchildren.  Or because they stayed quiet about it for so long nobody will believe them when they finally told the truth about the SIL.

Girl, speak up!  Tell that b*tch she can’t treat you like this!

Post # 20
31 posts
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Country Club

amanda3334455 said it perfectly! I would do the exact same thing! You don’t deserve to be treated like that. I don’t know why weddings are all about it being the brides day. It is suppose to be a celebration for everyone to enjoy. I would not hold back and just suck it up.

Post # 21
104 posts
Blushing bee

I would not play the passive aggressive games. it is what it is. If you get engaged before her wedding so be it. Just no need to rub it in. If that makes her mad, so what. That’s on her. Your life isn’t dictated by her. 

You have to think long term. What’s going to happen when you get married? Your brother will be a groomsman and your SIL would not be? How would she handle being a Bridesmaid or Best Man in your wedding? How manipulative will see be? Will she be nasty? Will she drop out at the last minute? Or will you avoid that all together and just have a Maid/Matron of Honor and Best Man and no groomsman or bridesmaids? And not only that think about future family events, kids in the picture? If there is tension now there will be tension later. 

This is a tough one. Why not have a conversation with her first? And tell how her comments and remarks make you feel. Maybe tell her you want to be there to support your brother but what’s going on between the two of you is hurting you. I

if she is defensive and nasty that’s one thing. I would end the convo, talk to your brother and consider dropping out. 

If she is apologetic and nice that’s another scenario. 

I guess I would not go behind her back and tell your brother all abour this and have him deal with it. It will only make her nastier.

Just some thoughts.

Post # 22
3563 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Skype your brother, make sure she is there also.  I’d go over a list of horrible things she’s said/done…from the curling iron to the weight gain…and then I’d step down as a bridesmaid.  I would NOT let her think she has any control over me.  If you continue to let her treat you this way, it will only get worse.  

If you and your Boyfriend or Best Friend want to get engaged, don’t let her be the reason you’re waiting.  Live YOUR life.  

Also, I’d probably go to the wedding and snap some very unflattering pics of her throughout the night…and post them on social media…#bitchybride  lol

Post # 23
2456 posts
Buzzing bee

Very very sad, especially if you and your brother were close before she entered the picture.

If he is unable to be aware of her idiosyncrasies now, he will unfortunately most likely experience the full blast soon after he’s married.

How was she able to go after you when you all were Skyping without him hearing her going after you?

I would never want to be involved in a wedding in which she was the bride, but try not to respond aggressively to her garbage when addressing your status as a Bridesmaid or Best Man. The less you become involved in conflict, the more persuasive your position will be as it is revealed.

If you can remain peaceful as she escalates, she will draw more attention to her own horrid behavior, rather than reducing you to being one of two women fighting each other.


Post # 24
2969 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

omg people like this exist into adulthood? I’m glad I don’t know any- or rather- they should be glad they haven’t come across me. Just ick.

You should have repeated what she said to your mom. You should have repeated what she said to your brother and the minute she insulted you in any way you should have called her out on it.

People like her are bullies. She knows you have confidence issues and she wants attention and to put people around her down to make her feel better about her own insecurities and you are an easy target because you don’t fight back. You cannot allow her to get away with this. She needs to be put in her place. Now the fact that that you have waited so long everyone is going to be shocked when you stand up for yourself. I would try to speak to her calmly and privately and let her know you aren’t putting up with this anymore before your blow your cool in public and look like the crazy one.

People only treat you the way you allow them to.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by  MissJulianna.
Post # 25
3875 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

MarathonNurse:  Excuse my language, but this girl sounds like a Grade-A bitch. Save yourself the headache and step down from the wedding. I would honestly confront her outright the next time she says something like this to you. Is anyone aware this is how she talks to you? If this is something she does when people are out of earshot, bring it up to your brother in a non-confrontational way. If he refuses to do anything about it, I think you should just step down and attend their wedding as a guest.

If I spoke to my Future Sister-In-Law even CLOSE to how this girl is talking to you, my Fiance would have dumped me a long time ago. She is being beyond disrespectful–her attitude towards you is repugnant. I nearly stopped reading after she demanded you and your boyfriend not move in together so close to her engagement…like really? Girl, bye.

I know it seems hard, but girls like this thrive on your silence and I think if you stood up to her once or even reacted in a way that let her know that her words and actions are not okay, she would back down. Regardless, you need to speak to your brother. He may love her, but I doubt if he heard the way she was speaking to you he would be very happy.

Post # 26
723 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

WOW, this is horrible!!

1) You need to write down a list of what’s happened & send it to your brother. He deserves to go into this marriage knowing how your Future Sister-In-Law is treating you. What he chooses to do with this information is up to him, but at the very least let him know & let him know that for these reasons, you will be stepping down as bridesmaid. 

2) You need to start standing up for yourself. This girl is treating you horribly. A healthy reaction to how she has treated you is for you to get pissed off at her. Why haven’t you gotten more mad at her? Why have you kept all this a secret? You may want to explore why you have kept silent on this in therapy, to get at why you’ve internalized her vicious behavior. Aside from that,  you need to set some serious boundaries. She’s playing a schoolyard bully to you right now, but you’re not in a schoolyard. You don’t have to take ANY of this. You need to step down from being a bridesmaid for one thing (!!!). Once you’ve told your brother what’s going on, tell her, “I’m not comfortable with the way you’ve been treating me and will not be a part of your wedding party.” Then stand your ground. I’m sure she’ll fling a ton of shit at you, but YOU CONTROL THE CIRCUMSTANCES. Figure out a way that is easiest for you to tell her: skype, phone, email, whatever. I don’t think I would do this in person, unless you feel confident that you can confront her without caving to her attacks or being manipulated into backing down. I think skype or phone would be best, honestly. With email she will try to verbally attack you. With skype or phone, if she does that you can just hang up.

And the next time she pulls some shit on you, firmly tell her “You are being incredibly inappropriate.” and hang up on her/walk away from her/turn your computer off/etc. SHE is the one in the wrong here. She is using you to make herself feel better in a twisted, sick way. Do not be a part of that. You have complete control over how much you engage with this horrid woman. Use it. You owe her nothing. And once you’ve informed your brother of how this woman is abusing you, you owe him nothing either. 

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by  .
Post # 27
4242 posts
Honey bee

She’s obviusly awful and I would feel no guilt about dropping out of her wedding (and dropping her from my life).

The thing is, people like her are used to being a bully. They choose targets that they know won’t fight back. It’s what makes her feel powerful. I’ve found with people like this, the best thing to do is NOT to get upset, yell, call her names back- that’s what she wants. The most effective way to stand up for yourself is calmly and politely. She wants to get a rise out of you, so don’t let her. When she says something rude, calmly say something like “Excuse me? I didn’t hear what you said”. That will probably throw her off, she’s used to just dropping a bomb and watching you squirm and having to repeat it might get in her head. If she tries to fight or start drama, just calmly refuse to engage- “Why are you trying to purposely be hurtful?” “Why are you yelling?”, etc.

I have someone in my life who sounds a lot like her and unfortunately, I can’t just cut this person out, so I’ve found these tactics to be the best. I avoid them as much as possible but when we do have to interact, there’s no more outright rudeness and hostility.

Post # 28
2969 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Also, maybe before you confront her, you can speak to your mother and your brother so they aren’t shocked by YOUR actions. They need to know what has happened that is making you feel this way and that you are no longer tolerating it and that you plan on speaking with her. Out of respect for your entire family you have held your tongue for a long time and in that same vein you are letting them know ahead of time what you plan to do about it so they aren’t all blindsided about your reaction. You don’t want them to find out about you letting loose on your sister in law from the sister in law because I am sure she will turn the entire situation around and they will believe her because they didn’t know all of this was going on.

Post # 29
3064 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

MarathonNurse:  I wouldnt stand up in her wedding if she paid me. She is a bitch! I would show up for my brother and be supportive for him but thats where my involvement would end

Stand up for yourself- people treat you the way you allow them to…

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by  Boxerlover24.
Post # 30
413 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

MarathonNurse:  Two reasons she’s treating you like this:

A- She’s a bad person.


If you want it to stop, it’s on you.   You have to tell her she’s out of control.  If you don’t and her insane antics continue – it’s your fault.   

Ok – I know my tough love is in overdrive right now but really.    I’m concerned for your well-being for the rest of your life if you allow people to talk to you like that.  I understand being intimidated but this is something else.   Would you allow someone to abuse you?  Time to take off the gloves and tell this bitch what’s what.

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