(Closed) Tough Sex Dilema (a bit tmi)

posted 4 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 2
Member
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Is the issue sex or satisfaction? The reason I am asking is because maybe he does not necessarily have to have sex with you to satisfy you? For instance, if you require more sexual pleasure and he is not in the mood would either of you be willing to compromise with oral, toys, or other sexual favors to satisfy you? It is hard sometimes with mismatched sex drives but I feel that if you’re going to be married it would be very important that you each feel sexually fulfilled. Can you talk to him and ask him to give you sexual pleasure without him feeling he needs to actually have intercourse with you? I imagine he can’t just make his penis work on command.

Post # 3
Member
9737 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

I used to have a similar problem with Fiance, my sex drive is higher than his. It sucked to feel like we only had sex when he wanted but that’s really only because I always wanted it. And it really sucked to feel rejected by him when I tried to intiate and he wasn’t in the mood.

Ultimately, I just started taking care of myself when he wasn’t in the mood. I will still initiate occasionally but I also leave that mostly up to him because I don’t want that constant rejection feeling. 

Post # 5
Member
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

letterstolove:  what’s the true issue because it sounds like an issue of feeling rejected by your partner.

Rejection? 

Lack of intercourse? 

Lack of sexual satisfaction?

 

 

Post # 6
Member
9097 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

While teasing him on the couch, have you ever just unzipped him, hopped in his lap and gone to town?

Post # 8
Member
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I’m really sorry because I think feelings of rejection can run deep and get really really really bad to the point that sex becomes something that is dreaded rather than something to look forward to.

Satisfaction is easy to fix because you simply just talk to him and tell him what you need physically from him. He hasn’t necessarily have to have sex with you to do this you can compromise on oral or other things to get you to your happy place.

The feelings of rejection, I would really try couples counseling. If you can solve it on your own and get past those feelings and that’s great but most people cannot and the rejected feelings can get really really bad to the point that it may destroy a relationship. Get help now that you feel this way early on so that you two can work towards a solution

Post # 9
Member
346 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

letterstolove:  Does your boyfriend work a fast paced high stress career.  Just asking since I know personally when my spouse moved into a very demanding position, where he is always stressed and leaves at 5am but doesn’t get home till 6:30-7 every night our intimacy changed drastically.  He was always not in the mood and more concerned with video games , tv, or the computer and for a little while I took it insanely personal and confronted him a couple times until I realized this change occurred exactly when our lives changed and his career became much more demanding and stressful.  In our case it just takes my husband a while to unwind, not worry about work, and get some clarity and I know most weekdays aren’t going to happen and let it go unless he initiates and we spend more time talking, understanding each other, and taking the pressure off the moment.    

Post # 10
Member
1412 posts
Bumble bee

Turn off the TV?

Post # 11
Member
339 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I’m sorry that you are going through this. I want to make a note and just say that even though he is physically reacting to your advances doesn’t always mean he is feeling it mentally. I’m not saying this is what you are doing at all, so please don’t take it that way, but a lot of people think men can be raped because they get erections and if they didn’t want it they wouldn’t get hard and we all know that’s not true.

There seems to be something else going on with him for him to not be that interested in it. Is everything okay at work and home. Has either of you gained weight or changed your appereances? Is a lack of attraction or just desire? 

Post # 12
Member
36 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2016

I don’t have anything particularly helpful to say, but I just want to say that I can definitely relate, so you’re not alone! I’ve always had a higher sex drive than any male partner I’ve had. It gets really disheartening when you get rejected all the time, so it is so easy for it to turn into a situation where you only ever have sex when he decides to initiate. 

When reading your story, what popped into my head was a question: when you tried to initiate, and he got hard, and then you gave up, did you SAY anything? Did you ask him what was up, if he was into it or not? Maybe he would have been into it after the show was over (which would be annoying, but still, progress!) or maybe he was really not into it at all and his response was involuntary, those are things that would be helpful for you to know. One issue I had with my partner is that one of us would misinterpret signs that the other was trying to initiate sex…and they were NOT subtle. One of us just thought it was “for fun” or teasing and the other thought it was going somewhere and would be disappointed. Clearing that up was helpful, even though it doesn’t seem like something that would even need clearing up. 

For me, sex is partly about sexual satisfaction, but also about connection, intimacy, and just having my partner’s full attention. With a previous partner I had a much harder time with it because I felt like he just didn’t really pay much attention to me in general, so I felt much more desperate for some way to hold his attention. With other partners after him it’s been easier because at least I didn’t feel lacking in attention or have trouble connecting in other ways, so all that’s really left is the occasional sting of rejection and some sexual frustration…not exactly fun, but sexual frustration of some kind is probably inevitable in most monogamous relationships, and it’s a lot less painful than feeling super lonely and disconnected. When I read your story, the part about him not responding to you and just watching TV hit me, because if it were me, I would be feeling not just rejected and sexually frustrated, but ignored and lonely. I don’t know if that’s how you feel, but if it is, I would talk to him about maybe tackling the TV issue if it’s a regular thing. People can get too hooked on television and video games and stuff and forget to stay connected with the people in their lives…human relationships are a lot more work than watching a screen. 

Post # 13
Member
4857 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Have you tried playing hard to get? 

Post # 14
Member
1011 posts
Bumble bee

letterstolove:  I don’t really know what to tell you, other than I had an ex like that. He NEVER wanted it, I was always rejected and hated it. Our relationship didn’t last (and only last about a year) but just wanted to let you know, you aren’t alone 

Post # 15
Member
253 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

The first thing my fiance said after I read him this post (I have a higher sex drive than him and I have to initiate sometimes, you are not alone) was “is she sure he isn’t getting it from somewhere else?”

I hate to bring up a bad subject, but my mind didn’t even go there, my brain went to counceling because he clearing isn’t open to your needs in this particular area (I don’t know about others), but that is another mans perspective so I thought I should post to see if maybe that might be the case here? I hope it isn’t and I hope you two work it out!

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