(Closed) Tough Subject: Getting rid of long time friend

posted 10 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
638 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2007

This story hits close to home with me.  I have two specific friendships I’m thinking of that had ‘issues’ that resulted in loss of trust, desire to share my life with them, and awkwardness.  One of them just happened to be a best friend from college who is now married to my brother.  Of course she’s still in my life – and things are much improved – and even though things get better everyday, I doubt it’ll ever be like it was.

It’s really hard (sad) when this happens with a person that you also share so many wonderful memories with. 

Anyways, I don’t think anything really needs to happen per se.  You don’t need to have a ‘You are not my friend anymore moment’.  On the contrary the lack of action should disolve this relationship on it’s own.  I know she’ll be at your wedding – and that is what it is.  But if you stop calling, emailing, inviting, etc with this person – they should pretty easily drop out of your life.  That way if you see them here or there in town – thru mutual friend events or whatever, there won’t be an additional sour note.  You can be cordial – but not overly friendly.  Example – Don’t Say "Wow, it’s been so long, we need to catch up" – just keep things short 🙂

Now if she starts trying to initiate contact and catching up – you may need to say something simple like "You know, some things have happened in our relationship that have left me not trusting you.  I’m sorry it’s happened but I just don’t have time for relationships like that in my life"  ok yeah, that sounds harsh, but it’s honest, and it’s how you feel.  Maybe "Our relationship isn’t what it used to be and that’s ok with me – I’d like to leave it that way" is not so harsh 🙂

Anyways – I’m really sorry this has happened with a friend 🙂  Hope it all works out. 

PS.  With the other girl – We didn’t talk for like 5 years.  I don’t hate her or anything – just don’t trust her because she said some really hurtful things and don’t value the ‘friendship’ – plus we are just grown into two totally different people.  I still consider her an aquiantance though – we chat every one in a while on IM about this or that.  I guess my point is that you may be able to reach your goal without an "I am never speaking to you again" type statement.

Post # 4
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I also think there is no real reason to confront this girl, unless you are looking for some kind of cathartic moment, or apology, and honestly that probably won’t happen.  Friendships take work to keep up – and without that work they sort of die off naturally.  It sounds like you are still trying, at least a little, for the relationship you had.  I agree with jilian that if you just ease off, you probably will end up with the relationship (or non-relationship) that you want – one in which you can be polite or even friendly to each other when you see each other, but not actually close to each other.

Unless you are having a really small wedding, there will be lots of people there.  The challenge is to spend at least a few minutes with everyone – and if there are some people you don’t care to spend more than a few minutes with, that should be easy!  So you can certainly have here there, say hello and glad you came, and move on to another guest.  Another option is that its certainly possible for your parents to invite her parents without inviting her.  You don’t say whether your parents know about the issues between you, but if you really don’t like the idea of having her at your wedding, maybe its appropriate to tell them.

If your parents are friends, you will probably never get this girl "out of your life" in the sense that you never see her again.  But once you get over whatever hurt you still have about how the friendship went bad, you won’t think twice about saying hello to her in passing, or running into her at a party.  Just treat her like any other casual acquaintance.  It might be difficult at first, but eventually it will just be the way things are.

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