Post # 1
This is a continuation of the previous post about what my best friend who is also my bridesmaid has done to me. I have pretty much realized that I am tired of excusing her or giving her the benefit of the doubt and that she is a toxic friend. sigh, its so hard to say it because I love and care for her so much, but while she has so much potential and know she is a great person, unfortunately I have realized she is not the greatest friends that I have always said she has been.
Well, I have noticed that since she said those hurtful things to me, she has been very short and we really have nothing to talk about. I call her once in a while (not like everyday as I used to) and still ask her about her day etc. but it just seems weird. I know she is going through some depression, but she seems like she is distancing herself from me (though I think I have more of a right to distance myself after the way she has treated me). Should I just go with the flow? I usually, being the worried friend that I am, would want to ask her, push her if she is ok? but this time, I feel l should just back off and really give attention to those who are positive in my life. I guess im just afraid that she may use this against me, but then again this may be the beginning of what everyone is saying “slowly ending our friendship.” I am dying to share things with her, like I bought my wedding shoes, my updates on my trip, but then I stop and hesitate, feeling like a huge weight on my shoulder and immediately get drained. because i feel like she doesnt care anyways.
Sigh, I guess I just should wait it out? One thing I was planning to do is to go visit her and stay with her for the weekend. But after the hurtful selfish things she said to me, all I want to do is lover her and care for her from a distance, because she has definitely taken a toll on me.
Thoughts? is it my problem or fault that she is being this way, or should I just let her be?
Post # 4
Definitely let it go.
You said this girl is going through a tough time (a bit of depression). Be kind to her.
You’ve shared a lot with this woman, and you want to share all of your excitement with her now. You’re upset that she isn’t fulfilling her supposed friendship duty of being happy just because you are. Well, you’re expecting too much. People go through ups and downs. She’s not upset that your happy, she’s just upset because she’s in a bad place herself.
You’re the one who’s experiencing one of the happiest times of your life. It sounds like her “depression” is raining on your parade. You’re being a bit self-indulgent (and not a very good friend). Can’t you be the bigger person? You should be.
But if you want to drop her for not being cheerful enough, that’s your business.
Post # 5
@Janielum: Thank you for sharing your thoughts. While I do see on some things you are saying, there are others that I am a bit confused on. Then again, I appreciate your comment. Though, it is a bit hard to judge that I am not a very good friend (knowing absolutely nothing of the full situation and who she is and who I am). Self indulgent, hmm I guess I didnt know that by simply telling her how excited I was on buying my wedding shoes or any bridal news would be considered self absorbed or indulgent. I would hope you have friends you could share this with, without having to be judged at or felt responsible for their problems or actions like I have been with this friend. If not, then I feel bad for you.
Post # 6
@skschick: I completely understand your desire to share these exciting wonderful things with friends! And yes, I do have five bridesmaids, but I am careful with what I say to some of them.
One of my bridesmaids has been dating the same guy for EIGHT years with no ring anywhere in sight. I make it a point not to rub it in. It’s human nature for her to feel jealous and upset. This poor girl has been waiting forever and quite honestly, I don’t think her boyfriend is ever going to marry her. I feel for my friend. She has absolutely no duty except to show up at my wedding (in our hometown). I’ve even bought her dress for her. I can’t expect her to be excited right now when she’s so unhappy.
I have another bridesmaid who just got married six months ago. She’s in wedded bliss and is more than happy to listen to me talk about shoes, dresses and venues.
In fact each person in my life is at a different stage in theirs. I try to be respectful of that. This is one of the happiest times in my life, but I can’t expect everyone to drop everything.
The bottom line is I think you should cut your friend some slack. If you’ve been friends for FOURTEEN years, you must see some great qualities in her. Just because she’s not being as enthusiastic as you’d like doesn’t mean she’s not happy for you. It might just mean that she’s miserable herself. She probably needs you to understand what’s going on with her more than you need her to get excited about wedding planning. Again, this is just my opinion and only you know what you’re willing to tolerate. But there’s a very good chance that one day you’ll go through a tough time yourself and you’ll regret being so quick to drop her. Like I said, life is full of ups and downs and true friends are the ones that stick with you through the tough times, when you’re the most difficult to love.
Post # 7
@Janielum: Yes, I am definitely not sharing as much of my wedding updates with her, just because it seems like she is uninterested and just causes her to be mean. I do definitely think that in the end of the day, its not that she is hating on me, but moreso not satisfied with her life or with something that she has not accomplished. all I can do is give her the space she wants and I think needs. as many people have suggested, I just need to focus on the people who are excited for me and are willing to be there.