Toxic friend

posted 10 months ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
1407 posts
Bumble bee

Well, if you want to end the friendship, then saying how you feel and having her ignore/block you sounds like a pretty good solution. You’ll have told her the truth which seems to be important to you, and then she’ll never speak to you again. Win-Win?

Post # 4
Member
1743 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

I agree, the whole point is that you don’t want to be friends, so if she blocks you it’s not a problem.

You don’t need this negativity in your life!

Post # 5
Member
1256 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t think you need to do anything.  When she texts you, just respond with one word responses.  If it’s something that seems like it requires a long response, don’t respond.  When she reaches out to inquire about your lack of response, tell her you were busy.  She’ll eventually get the hint and either stop reaching out or ask to see what your problem is.  At that point is when you can tell her how you feel. 

Post # 6
Member
808 posts
Busy bee

Hmm… Tough call. What would you prefer feeling? Guilty for telling her you had enough of her drama or guilty for ignoring her? Which would be less dramatic and amicable? Friends drift off more often than not…

Post # 8
Member
345 posts
Helper bee

Following! I’m in a very similar situation. I was just telling Fiance how my friend is driving me crazy and is really bringing my vibe down.

Post # 9
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee

The one time I had to do this I did it through Facebook, because I loved her a lot, but the friendship was no longer healthy. I wouldn’t have been able to do it any other way. I explained myself, and told her I loved her and that I would aloways love her, but that I needed to put myself first. I wished her well. She blocked me, so it’s a non issue now!

Post # 10
Member
4915 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Have you tried talking to her about it? 

Post # 11
Member
367 posts
Helper bee

When I ended friendships, I told those women exactly why I didn’t want to talk to them anymore. 

There was no reason to mince words since I was done with them. 

Post # 12
Member
318 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

I haven’t done it in a longggggggg time, but when I did it over Facebook messenger.  After putting up with months of escalating events (she had drinking and prescription drug issues), I had enough and I wrote her a letter detailing her craziest antics (like pulling the fire alarm in her apartment building because of a fight with her boyfriend) and how her friendship was destroying me.  After I sent it, I blocked her.  

Post # 13
Member
1195 posts
Bumble bee

I’ve ended a friendship twice. One of them was toxic. It took me a long time to realize she was an emotional vampire and used everyone in her social circle.

I ended up ghosting her, though that wasn’t a term I knew at the time. I moved away, I stopped calling, stopped emailing, unfollowed her on social media. Not the most adult way to handle things, but I’m older now. (I was mid 20’s when I got away from her clutches and we had been friends around 10 years.)

Perhaps I should have confronted her and given her a chance to talk it out, but I didn’t want to. In retrospect, being her friend was a lot like dating somebody who liked to use you, she was always taking and never giving.

No conversation could happen without her current story of “woe is me”. She was always unsatisfied with her life, and unhappy with every romantic relationship she had, but she did nothing to improve her life. She entered into new relationships with her eyes wide open about why this particular guy was not good boyfriend material, but she did it anyway. (Including dating a junkie. She knew he was a junkie before they started dating him, his drug addiction was common knowledge and they had known each other for years.) But she jumped into his arms and then she was always upset because he wouldn’t quit. That type of stuff.

I got tired of consoling her. She was very draining.

She was also the type of friend who was quick to suggest coffee or lunch, but “oops forgot my wallet!”

She didn’t have a car but she loved to push for us to go places. (And never gave me gas money.)

One day I caughty her in a lie about something minor. After we parted company that day, it hit me that I was SO MAD. I had given her so much support, given her my time, my comfort, I had paid her way many times, and here she was lying to me about something silly? I was DONE.

The blinders were off and they were never going back on.

I had been planning to move anyway, and once I moved, I just cut all contact with her.

While I admit ghosting somebody is a shitty way to treat a person, and I wouldn’t want somebody to ghost me. I wasn’t interested in hashing things out, I had lost all respect for her and I didn’t want her in my life.

 

Post # 14
Member
68 posts
Worker bee

Well, I wish I could give you advice, but I have a toxic friend I have legitimately tried to “break up” with twice… and somehow got reeled back in. I feel manipulated. We are both planning our second weddings right now and she will be getting married before me. I have decided to go through with her wedding plans, do whatever I need to make her day happy for her. And then after it’s all over, I plan to slowly distance myself. Blunt and honest conversation didn’t work twice for me (over 10 year relationship), and although some things improved from it, I just realized I’m not strong enough to stick to my guns. Honestly, she’s a big reason I’m planning a family only wedding (she doesn’t even know yet) but because I can’t bear to deal with the emotional backlash and I just honestly don’t want her there when I marry the love of my life. 

Post # 15
Member
507 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I have “break up” with friends before, both by ghosting them and confrontation. In my experience, neither of them is easier than the other one, and in both cases the other person can become resentful towards you (or not care at all). It all comes down to your choices.

Ghosting them is a bit less messy. As pps mentioned, you can start by slowly ignoring her calls, sending her one-message answers (or plain emojis), being “too busy” to attend meetings, etc. Or you can just fully start ignoring her -thought this might be a bit more complicated if you both live in the same city.

Confrontation can be more self-assuring, in that you’ll have a sense of closure and you provide her the opportunity to change -for future friendships. There is the risk that she will argue or call you names, and that she might vent to common friends (but the same can happen if you ghost her). Try doing it by phone or face-to-face, avoid text messages as they can be easily misunderstoon and she could use it in a way you might not like.

Both friendships I ended were toxic and it took me a lot of effort to tell them good-bye, but I do not regret it. They both showed me their true faces once we stopped being friends which made me realize I had done the right thing for me. 

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