(Closed) Toxic mother…what should I do?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
4524 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@mnp:  My mother is a former alcoholic that I think may be drinking again and abusing her prescription pills.  She has been married multiple times and is on her way out of yet another marriage. She is overly-involved if I allow her to be and incredibly demanding.

 

When I tell others about her, they say “you should just talk to her” or “cut her out of your life”, but when its YOUR parent it’s not that easy. She has alienated herself from everyone and I am LITERALLY the only person she has to talk to. 

 

I just try to have minimal contact (“minimal” with her is a phone call 3-4x a week).  I avoid seeing her by being “busy” all of the time.  When I do call her, I make sure it is after work on my drive home so I have a reason to get off of the phone.

 

Post # 4
Member
1311 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@mnp: My mother and i have an on and off relationship. She wants me to call her every week and every few weeks asks for me to send her money. If I can’t send her money she uses all information that she got through me from our conversations (anything that i was happy about ) she uses the info to lash out at me and basically against me, making me feel horrible and guilt tripping me.

Always about money. The whole family doesn’t talk to her, even her current second husband…. he chose to live in the basement.

My brother had cut the ties with her too.. I was the only one keeping in contact till the last flare up in february where she also asked for money and i didn’t have any, she then compared me to every person that she doesn’t respect and was complaining to me about etc..

I had no choice to but to delete her from my FB account and stopped calling her.

It’s tough and makes me feel bad but in all honesty no parent that loves a child should be using the child as support and run gilt trips if the child can’t help. It’s really not fair.

Post # 6
Member
474 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I had an extremely toxic relationship with my mother.  She was extremely controlling and if I did not do what she said to do, she made my life MISERABLE.  She constantly criticized me and my Fiance, my parenting skills (because she is perfect and knows everything and does everything perfectly) and went on a hate campaign to my family against me and my Fiance.  Thankfully, they saw the “real” her on Christmas of last year.  She exploded on me, for no reason, and called me a b!tch in front of everyone.  I said nothing and sat there.  My father did the same and took my mothers side.  At that point, I could no longer have a relationship with them, or expose my children to her constant anger towards me (she couldn’t keep her mouth shut and told my children that I was a bad mom, that she was going to take them to live with her) Since then, she has become BFFs with my ex, tried taking my kids from me, no longer has contact with her sisters, has tried to have my Fiance fired.  That is just the things off the top of my head.  Honestly, except for her occasional legal annoyances, life is so much easier without her.  She is suffering in misery, anger and lonleyness (SP?), and she deserves it. 

I have absolutely wonderful inlaws that I cherish and treat as my parents.   Life is so much more relaxing and I have a new confidence about myself because of my Fiance and because I no longer have someone berating me. 

Post # 7
Member
11234 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I don’t know that our relationship is toxic, but it’s basically nonexistent. It was just the two of us growing up, but she was incredibly selfish. I had no idea how much better off we could have been until I was older, but she made really good money ($60k, which is great around here) and spent it all on marijuana. She’d rather sit in the living room and smoke than do anything (including cleaning, cooking, basic home care/maintenance). We lived in a tiny, old house that had a lot wrong, and she liked to just ignore things and hope that they’d go away. She never paid bills and we never had any money. 

She started asking me for money a few years ago. That’s basically the only contact we have anymore. She and her gross boyfriend moved out of his apartment (oh yeah, she straight up moved out of the house I grew up in because it was in foreclosure, didn’t tell me, left all of my stuff that I had stored there, and oh, right, TOSSED MY CATS OUTSIDE TO FUCKING DIE) and had internet access while they were at a hotel, waiting for the trailer they bought to be fixed up. She emailed me to tell me about their new place, to which I replied and added that I was graduating college on x date at y time. She replied and completely ignored that, just asked if we could help her move. I told her no.

I was unemployed for just over a year, and she was still texting me for money. The day I had an interview for my old job, she called me, crying, because her shitty van broke down on the way to work, and she needed someone to take her out to where it was to get it. I called her after the interview and we went out there, but hey, it was gone (towed). She starts freaking out and I suggest that she have the coworker who was going to take her home take her the extra 2 miles to pay the towing fee and get the van back. Nope, she calls me later and wants ME to do it. I had to take her out to pay it (I paid for it) and then way out to the other side of town to wait for over an hour for someone to show up and unlock the gate, then ANOTHER hour for her boyfriend’s waste of space brother to get his ass around and drive the FIVE MINUTES from his house so that he could tow it.

Then we get back to her place and she’s proudly showing me the cabinets they’re going to buy for the kitchen. After I just paid her impound fee. Godfuckingdamnit.

After that, I said no more. I get maybe two texts a year now, always asking for money. The answer is always no. I have a wedding to pay for, got laid off of my old job, and this current job was a pay cut. She never mentioned ANYTHING about my engagement or the wedding. I hope they RSVP no. I see her at family gatherings and mostly ignore her. The whole family knows how she treats me, so whatever. Her choice. I don’t deal with or coddle people like that for the sake of keeping the peace. It’s not worth it.

Post # 8
Member
4524 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@vorpalette:  I wish I could be as tough as you.  That is the biggest problem with my mother: everyone else.  Everyone else has enabled her acting out from the time she was a teenager and, as it would, her behavior just got worse.  Now she’s on her way out of her 5th marriage and on this one she may not get the house.  Her soon-to-be ex husband isnt handing over her half of the money per the court order, and now she’s strapped.

 

She has been calling me and texting me about how she’s running out of money paying the bills he’s supposed to be paying and that she’s having to sell stuff, etc……then calls me after work a two weeks ago telling me she bought a new Prada bag and boots.  Days later, she calls me bawling that she’s thinking about selling an antique she really likes. 

 

I felt bad and told her not to sell it, then mentioned that I still have an old ring she gave me (nothing sentimental, from one of her other marriages) and that she could have it back if she wanted it to sell. She put on a nice show of “oh no, that’s yours” for a few minutes before saying “ok, when can you bring me it?”

 

She hasnt outright asked me for money, but I feel like she may as things get harder.  And I dont know how I’ll get up the balls to tell her “no” since no one in her life before me ever could, either.

Post # 9
Member
11234 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

@badabing88:  My mother literally texts me: “Need money ASAP. When can you meet?” like it’s a fucking drug deal. I learned a long time ago that she just does not care about me at all. It’s a wonder I’m so normal (I have my grandma and great grandma to thank for that). I know my aunts had a little wild child in them…in their 20s. My mother (the oldest!!!) never grew out of it. My aunts have been amazing–they know what’s going on, they’ve been excited and involved in wedding stuff, and they’re actually involved with my grandma (and my grandpa before he passed). When my grandpa passed? My aunts took off work and were there for my grandma, helping with funeral arrangements, making sure she was eating, etc. My mother complained that she couldn’t be taking “all this time” off of work (and texted me a couple of days later for money), and allowed her stupid boyfriend to complain that he was tired because he’d spent “all day” at my grandma’s house…on a riding mower. He made her take him home and she said she’d be back in 45 minutes, so we waited to make dinner and waited to do the photos for the memory boards (because she was going to throw a fit about not being involved and if anyone had more pictures than she did). For over an hour. Finally, my aunt said, screw it, I’m starting dinner, and just as we sat down to eat, my mother calls and says that she’s on her way and to start without her. ARGH.

Thankfully, I have some really great family members, and am marrying into an awesome family.

Post # 10
Member
4524 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@vorpalette:  I swear to god we must be sisters: you just described my mothers actions surrounding the death of both my grandpa AND grandma.  When my grandpa died, my mom took time off of work but then didnt attend the funeral. A week or so later she calls my aunt and says “I need a copy of the obituary for work.”  When my aunt reminded her she hadnt gone to the funeral, my mother responded with “yeah but I told THEM I did.”

Same behavior with my grandma, who was ill with cancer for 2 YEARS preceeding her death. My mother never went to see her once, always blaming her husband for not driving her (she has a nice, new car and valid TX license).  When it came time for the funeral, she said she would be meeting my Boyfriend or Best Friend and I at our place early in the morning and riding with us on the 4 hour drive.  The night before, she calls me saying she isnt going unless we drive 1 hour in the opposite direction to pick her up, drive back the hour to where we started (adding 2 hours to the trip on each leg) plus the additional 4 to get there.  My Boyfriend or Best Friend told her it wasnt happening, she got pissed and is still blaming US for her not being at her mothers funeral.

Post # 11
Member
924 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I have a very limited relationship with my mother, and deliberately live on the other side of the world from her.  She only knows what I choose to tell her about my life – which is very little.  She’s too angry, bitter and judgemental to trust with any more.  

I’m sad we don’t have a closer tie, but I know from experience that my mental health suffers if I let her get any closer.  I quit feeling guilty about it years ago.  

Post # 13
Member
6124 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

@mnp:  I am currently trying to figure that out!  It’s like I have to love her, but at an arm’s length away always.  I don’t know what that’s supposed to look like. 

 

She’s arriving at my house come Friday and staying for a week.  I am really dreading it.  

 

There is a book out there called Toxic Parents.  Have you read it yet?

 

http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407

Post # 14
Hostess
11168 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

My relationship with my mother is nearly non-existent because she is very toxic. After years of alcohol and drug abuse I had to finally emotionally and physically distance myself from her in order to have a clean and healthy start.

How do I deal? With a ten foot pole. While I love my mother I cannot emotionally invest in our relationship, nor can I rely on her. When I call her it is brief and we do not discuss deep life issues rather it is purely surface level. When I go into town to see her she often disappears (for example at my grandfather’s memorial on Saturday she left without so much as a goodbye and I haven’t yet talked with her since) without concern of the situation or my feelings. She even left our wedding during dinner without a comment and has yet to apologize for missing most of her daughter’s wedding…had I an emotional attachment that would be killer.

I have had to build walls between my mother and I and without those walls I would be devastated by a great deal of her actions. I haven’t cut her out of my life but I have had to learn how to tread lightly and not view her as a mother outright. It is a tough situation and I don’t wish it on anyone but with my approach I am able to have a normal life without the drama and pain that she would most definitely bring.

Post # 15
Member
2780 posts
Sugar bee

@mnp:  I don’t have a relationship with my mother anymore because I can’t handle the negative energy that comes with being involved with her. I hear from her a couple times a year and it is usually a very brief interaction. My life is better this way and I wouldn’t change it.

Post # 16
Member
837 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’m very lucky that I have an amazing relationship with my mom. However, my dad is a different story. Rather than outright emotional abuse like your mothers, my dad went the subtler approach of ignoring my existence. But not from the beginning! No. We had rollercoaster years of being distant, close-ish, indifferent. For two years before I got married, he didn’t say a word to me. He and my mom are still married (30 years). He adores her. I visit my mom all the time. ALL THE TIME. He refuses to acknowledge my presence. Unless he’s pulling my mom aside and telling her that he doesn’t want me visiting anymore. For no reason. At that point, despite the fact that I knew we’d never be close again, it still hurt. Sadly, it wasn’t a shock. But it still hurt. That’s the night I decided I didn’t have a father anymore.

Somehow, things have changed. Not a lot, but I’m no longer invisible. He came to my wedding (I didn’t invite him, but there was a long discussion with my mom where SHE told him he was expected to be there — not to be rude to me, but because it was appalling to her that he’d dare miss it and didn’t realize until afterward what she’d done — and finally I said that if he WANTS to be there, he is welcome, but if he doesn’t want to go, no hard feelings and please stay home and be an ass by himself) and we hugged and it was actually the only time all day that I cried a little. Since then, things have been…civil. We both make an effort and it’s not painful to be in a room together anymore. But for years it would be random ups and downs and drinking and pain medication (he’s an addict, but he’s somehow private about it — he does all of it on his own and doesn’t actually interact with us when he’s drinking / taken meds). Once I finally started standing up to him, we’d get in screaming fights and he’d say horrible things to me and then “apologize” and say “you just made me so mad and I lost my temper”. 

It’s so hard to cut a person out of your life. Even when you know it’s the best thing for you. It’s especially hard when we feel there SHOULD be a bond that can’t be broken. There’s no saying if it’s the right time (or if it ever will be) for you to decide that your mom is not worth the heartache anymore. And it HURTS to get to that point and, a lot of times, you’ll feel like a failure and that it’s your fault. But when you’ve tried so, so hard to make something work and the other person just WON’T — but they make it feel like your fault because you “owe” them for raising you — then it’s just…urg.

The topic ‘Toxic mother…what should I do?’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors