Post # 1
Hey bees! Sorry if this is confusing with the pronouns but bear with me “They” is how I will refer to the person in question
So my side of the wedding party includes 3 of my closest friends. Two bridesmaids that are my college friends and have been close with me for 10+ plus years, and my very best friend as my person of honor! When I asked my best friend to me by Maid/Matron of Honor they were identifying as a female at the time, presented as a very butch female, and considered themself a lesbian. When I told Fiance that I chose this person as my Maid/Matron of Honor we both agreed there would be NO way we’d ever put this person in a dress, because they never felt comfortable in traditional female clothing. We agreed, and my Person of Honor was grateful that I’d have them wear something along the lines of suit pants, a vest, and a tie the same color as the bridesmaids dresses.
However, my person of honor just recently came out to me as trans, and has told me that that are planning to begin taking testosterone and transitioning to be a man. I’m super stoked for them and proud of them for starting this journey to be who they are! The only concern I have is one that they brought up to me: how do we deal with the people around me and Fiance and the inevitable negativity that will come with their presence as my highest ranking brides-person? My friend offered to step down as to keep me out of many awkward explanations but I said no way in hell! My best friend has been by my side through so many things and I want them by my side at my wedding too!
So all this to say, they may be starting T between now and my wedding. Which would potentially start changing their features, beginning the growth of facial hair, etc. they currently have a female body so the attire they will be in will still appear to be that of a masculine girl, but would it be crappy of me to ask them to shave on my wedding day if they were beginning to grow some sparse facial hair? Or ask them not to pack their pants with a prosthetic on that day either (something they’ve been exploring recently). I don’t want them to feel weird and “othered” by my pretty judgy extended family (and mother) but I also don’t want them to feel like I’m ashamed of them. What ways can I approach little details like facial hair and attire without making them feel like they have to hide themself?
Post # 2
AcousticHeart : Let the person transitioning set the tone. He will let you know if he needs any changes. I wouldnt ask him to shave or try to present as female as that is no longer how he identifies. He’s still the same person thats your friend so you should be able to talk to him like you did before. Same level if closeness. If people are negative F them honestly. But as a friend give him a heads up of transphobic people. I’d start using he if your friend is ready to be out also. That’s all I know from what I’ve read so if someone with more experience knows better then please correct me.
Post # 3
I completely get that you want to protect them while letting them be as truthful to themselves as possible.
I think in terms of protecting them from judgy people – you can’t. What you can do is shut down any judgement you see / hear. You can tell certain people in advance and let them know that any comments / looks etc will not be tolerated and they will be asked to leave the wedding. That should at least make sure people bring their polite faces. They don’t have to accept it, but they cannot be rude to someone so important to your event.
as to the facial hair and shaving – this is a different issue. You can ask them to be well presented on the day. Facial hair is unlikely to grow evenly when it first appears so they could have patches all over the place, that would look neater clean shaven. This isn’t about not supporting their transition, just about looking neat (same way I’m sure you’d want your female bridesmaids to shave their underarms …)
Post # 4
Just allow them to grow the beard or pack, who cares! If your family says anything at all, just let them know that it’s none of their business. Your friend will be exposed to a lot of cruelty in their lifetime, and they need to know that their best friend will go down swinging for them, even on your wedding day.
Post # 5
macpartyoftwo : 100% agree with this!
You love your friend for who they are and whatever they wear/look like. As long as they look neat and are dressed appropriately for the occasion it doesn’t matter if that involves a beard or not.
Congratulations on having, and being such a good friend!
Post # 6
I went to my best friend’s wedding recently where her dad identifies as a woman and I believe has now had surgery to become a woman.
This wasn’t common knowledge at the wedding!! My friend’s parents are divorced and so this meant it was going to be the first time the bride’s mum’s side of the family had seen her dad since they started medication and surgery to become a woman.
So, what happened? My friend said to me ‘I really don’t give a shit what anyone says. She is still my dad and I still want her to walk me down the aisle and speak at my wedding’.
Her dad was AMAZING. She stood up and started the speech by saying ‘Hi, I’m xxxx’s dad. If your confused, watch the Kardashian’s it’s all explained there’.
It all went so well that the Bride’s mum had a bit of a tantrum. My friend’s parents hate one another and I think the mum had been looking forward to everyone saying to her ‘poor you’ etc etc which never happened – but anyway. That’s another story 😉
Post # 7
And if he wants a beard let him rock a beard. I knkw someone compared it to shaving under the arms….but I feel if I have a bridesmaid who doesn’t shave under her arms, then she can let it be. We need to let our bridesmaids, maids of honor, person of honor be themselves. Surely that’s why you asked them to stand up with you on your most important day? If not, I would just go out and chose a random from the street who ticks all the boxes I want them to tick.
Post # 8
I’m also going to add….we all get judged in life. Whether it’s because we’ve put on weight, we are single in our mid 30s, we are wearing an outfit someone else wouldn’t choose to wear, we are dating someone who no one likes….we are always getting judged by people. However, our best friends shouldn’t be one of those people and our best friends shouldn’t try and change us so we don’t get judged…. they should be knocking down any judging comments.
Rather than asking your friend to shave and not pack their pants with prosthetics…you should let them to do what they want to do and be comfortable with themselves. If you hear anyone say a bad word you stand up for your friend.
Saying that you want your friend to shave or not pack their pants with prosthetics may come across as being ashamed them. I know you want to do it so they don’t get judged…but that’s like saying ‘I don’t won’t my friend to wear that dress she likes because she might get judged’ hell no! You say ‘rock that dress’ and if you hear anyone say anything you stand up for your friend.
Post # 9
happybridetobe1988 : I get what you’re saying but I definitely not ashamed of my friend. This is just all new to me. They haven’t started T yet but have told me that they are concerned that they may look strange as the effects begin happening. I will reassure them that if they are comfortable and excited about any facial hair that is growing that they are free to embrace it, and that if they feel more comfortable keeping it groomed or shaved until it’s growing in evenly that’s fine too. At the end of the day I don’t think anyone would say anythat bing crazy to them at my wedding, more likely to me later on after the event. Which I can totally handle.
Also for everyone saying I should use “He,” my friend has said they prefer “they” for now until they begin HRT so I’m hinoribg that choice.
I have also shut my mom down every time she’s referred to this friend as their dead name. They have legally changed their name and I will not let anyone use their dead name in reference to them.
sweatergal007 : rbredz :
Twizbe : macpartyoftwo : thanks everyone for the advice. I agree I should just allow them to lead with what is comfortable to them. The wedding is 6 months from now so neither of us know what they are going to be comfortable with appearance-wise. I don’t want to pressure them to do anything outside of their comfort so I will just ask them what feels right and go from there when the time comes.
Post # 10
AcousticHeart : you sound like a good friend 🙂
Post # 11
happybridetobe1988 : I appreciate that. But honestly this friend is far better than me. They have been the most kind, giving, ride or die best friend a person could dream of. I want to honor my friend for who they are because they are one of the most beautiful souls I’ve had the pleasure to know. That’s why they are my #1
Post # 12
AcousticHeart : Let you friend dress however you want and if you get any judgement from your family you tell them that this person is the family you chose for yourself and they mean the world to you. End of discussion. I really don’t mean this to sound patronising so I hope it doesn’t, but well done on being such a fab friend. If more people were like you the world would turn more smoothly!
Post # 13
AcousticHeart : I agree with all the people who have said to let your friend set the tone! You are lucky to have such a great friend, and they too are lucky to have such a great friend!
Post # 14
AcousticHeart : It is your job as a friend to stand up and protect your friend. If they choose to be a different gender than what was assigned to them at their birth, then that is their choice and has nothing to do with anyone else.
If people want to be judgy and mean they can leave or take their comments elsewhere. If someone is curious, that is of course natural. But if their questions start turning mean/rude/nasty, I would jump to my friends defense.
It’s not fair to them that they have to dance around things because of other peoples insecurities.
This will be a good opportunity for people who may be ignorant to open their minds and their hearts to the changing world.
I think its sad that they feel they need to step down when they are your best friend!
Good luck to you and your friend!
Post # 15
AcousticHeart : You and your best friend sound like true friends- mutual support, love and acceptance, you sound lucky to have each other.
It’s great that you’re prioritizing the comfort zone of your Person of Honour. If facial hair grows in a bit straggly at first, similar to puberty, they can decide if it’s do-able for the wedding or if they want to go clean shaven….results tend to vary on T, just as it does among cis-men, some who struggle to grow facial hair in and some who have five o’clock shadow by 10am. ‘Packing’ is a personal choice, but I do think this is more for them than outward aesthetics as it’s subtle rather than obvious.
Unfortunately not everyone out there is as an ally, accepting, and supportive. BUT anyone not accepting should be expected to be outwardly polite and decent at the very least. It is completely and utterly rude and hateful and intolerable to go to someone else’s event and treat another guest as less than due to race, religion, sexual orientation, gender identity, disability etc. To be perfectly blunt, because this pisses me off to no end, if any bigots are incapable of being even outwardly decent, they can be the ones to fucking leave, not the victim of their bullying and intolerance.
Outside of the wedding, I tend to take this on a case by case basis- those who are unaccepting run the gammut from outright vile haters to those who are simply uninformed and confused by it. The outright haters I write off as a lost cause and remove the toxic assholes from my life (including a few relatives unfortunately), those who are decent and polite and civil though I may suspect less than wholly accepting, I treat with the same superficial politeness but wonder how they truly feel….this is a harder, greyer area. And the ones who are trying to learn and understand, I try to answer questions and explain as best I can….generally decent people just not familiar with ‘transgender’ and what it means.