Post # 1
I am a regular poster going anonymous here for a question currently going through my mind while planning my wedding for next May.
Here’s the situation- My FI’s older brother just announced he is transgender. He (he hasn’t announced that we will refer to him as female yet so I will still use the male pronoun until he asks) apparently has known for a while and is currently taking hormone pills to become female. I am very supportive and happy for him/her (as is Fiance and his family). He wants to have the surgery in 2-3 years and will continue to take the pills until then.
I don’t want to make this an issue of the wedding, but I am just curious as to how this will play out at our ceremony. It is non-demoninational so that of course isn’t a problem, but he has already agreed to be one of FI’s groomsmen. Should I ask him to be a bridesmaid? Have him continue to be a groomsman and dress the way he wants to? I suppose I should just ask him these things, but I was just wondering if any of you all had this kind of experience? It’s just strange I thought I was gaining a brother-in-law and now I am getting a sister-in-law instead!
Post # 3
- Wedding: April 2012 - St. Philip Catholic Church/Arcadia Brewing Co.
I would say ask him what he wants to do. I have seen women stand up on the groom’s side in black (or whatever color the tuxes are) dresses. I think it would be a bit odd for him to be a bridesmaid since your Fiance already asked him to stand up on the groom’s side but if you would rather have girls on one side boys on the other that could work too….
Post # 4
I don’t have any experience with this but I had to say that you are so sweet and considerate! Good for you for being open, non-judgemental, and concerned for his (until he asks to be a “her”) feelings!
Post # 5
I think it may just be best to talk to him. Kudos to all of you for being so supportive!
Post # 6
Crucial thing is talk to her and make sure she’s comfortable. Some tarns people feel very weird in clothes of the wrong gender, others want time to come to terms with everything and might want to avoid questions at a public family event. She is clearly very lucky to have you. So many trans people don’t have family support. Volunteering the female pronouns without being asked might help her to see that you genuinely are ok with her choice.
Post # 7
My fiance’s best man is a woman, and my maid of honor is a man. He should stand with his brother, whether he’s in a tux or a dress.
Sounds like the family is very supportive, which is great to hear!
Post # 8
I think asking her what she wants is best! Women stand up for men and men stand up for women in the respective parties! Ask her what she feels most comfortable wearing.
Post # 9
You are very supportive. I say speak to him first, it might be a non issue because he might have not told extended family and wouldn’t feel comfotable doing it at the wedding because that would be a big public statement and it may not be the way he wanted to annouce it.
Post # 10
Even if she doesn’t ask you to refer to her as a HER you should begin to get in that habit anyway. It seems like she is serious about this course of action. I have a friend who is transgendered and she says that even when they still look manly they still prefer to be referred to as she.
Ask her what she wants to do. I vote for letting her dress in a dress and stand on her brothers side. Good on you for being so understanding!
Post # 11
Definitely talk to her. Honestly, if she is out and on hormones, it’s probably time to start using she instead of he. She should be pretty relieved that you guys are worried about her comfort and wishes and are not freaking out and being cruel.
I would probably keep her on your FI’s side in whatever attire she feels comfortable in. If she is not ready to be out in public as a woman yet and wants to wear a suit, fine. If she wants to go for it, there are tons and tons of cute photos of sisters/female BFFs in black dresses with the groomsmen’s black suits on the groom’s side and I’d encourage you to go that way because did I mention how cute that is? You have time, it’s in a year so no rush.
Post # 12
1. The next time you see your FI’s sibling, ask which pronoun is preferred. It was probably incredibly difficult to tell you about being transgender and requesting that you change the pronoun usage might have been too hard. The sooner you start making the pronoun switch, the easier it will be for you to adjust to it!
2. Just ask about the clothes, too.
3. Thank you so much for being so accepting and supportive. Being transgender is a huge challenge and the rates of attempted suicide are STAGGERING. Having supportive people makes a huge difference. Is your Fiance similarly supportive? If he’s having a hard time, please suggest that he go to a PFLAG meeting – it can help a lot. http://community.pflag.org/page.aspx?pid=803&chid=390
Post # 13
I think you just need to talk to her and ask her what she would like to do. 🙂 I think its great that your being so considerate. I know a few transgendered people and they would much rather people ask them questions, talk to them about it, than just assume or avoid the topic.
Post # 14
Just ask! Or have your Fiance ask if you’re not very close to her. Trust me, every transgender person I’ve known has said they’d rather be asked then anything else because that 1) signals you care about their feelings enough to ask, and 2) it avoids any uncomfortable surprises for either of you.
She may not be ready to appear in a dress until the hormones have gotten more sway in, and she may not have long hair or a wig yet, or may not have announced it to the friends or extended family and might wish to use the suit for now. Or, she may wish to wear the suit because she’s still planning to be on her brother’s side at the wedding and simply wants to coordinate. Or she may prefer a dress but standing with her brother. Or a dress and being wiht the other girls. There are too many possibilities to guess, so I’d just ask 🙂 (also, get your FIs input–he may want her to be standing with him regardless of outfit choice….my sister is the Maid/Matron of Honor but will be in a suit as she is uncomfortable with dresses although she does not identify as male, but she’ll still stand with me)