Post # 1
Member
374 posts
Helper bee
Married Bees (particularly recently married bees):
How often do you travel to see your and your spouse’s family (immediate and extended) if they live out of state? How do YOU as a couple make decisions about how often to see them? Do you think it’s weird to want to ensure a relatively equal balance of seeing each other’s families and being a part of cultural traditions EVEN if one partner’s family lives within driving distance (and hence, has more convenient access) and the other’s requires flying (not including visits for emergencies or sickness of course)?
Background: This is a topic my husband and I fight about because we are both fairly family oriented and we come from different cultures. His family has a lot more family events and celebrates more religious/cultural holidays together than mine does, but I don’t think that automatically justifies seeing them more often than mine. I feel a little (ok a lot) slighted that he doesn’t feel the need to proactive interest in keeping in touch with or connecting with my family. He also brings up the excuse that my family a) lives farther away so it would be harder to see them and b) his family has more holidays and get together and it’s “not his fault” that family doesn’t. Yes I understand that but I’m happy to do the work of scouting out sales on flights in advance and planning all of it. I just get the feeling he hasn’t thought about equality in this way before and doesn’t feel that compelled to do so frankly. It’s irritating to me that I have to be the one be the champion of this cause and fight this fight.
Post # 2
Member
121 posts
Blushing bee
I mean if you can drive to his family and have to fly to yours then ya I’d assume you would see his family more often. Are you seeing your family LESS because of the visits with his family? Does he visit family so much it disrupts your married life together? Or do you just think that because he saw his family x amount of times this month you have to see your family that same amount of times? Because that’s completely impractical. If you want to see your family more then do what you said and find good sales, make sure his calendar is open and it’s affordable, and plan these trips. If you want to see your family just because “he got to see his” then that seems extremely petty. How did travel and seeing families work before marriage? Why is it different now unless you’ve moved? And surely you knew you would very likely see the people you lived closest to most often. That’s just kinda common sense.
Post # 3
Member
5708 posts
Bee Keeper
The majority of people will see the local family more. Fair isn’t always equal and only seeing one family 4 times a year for example because you can only see the other that much due to distance is nonsensical.
If you want to see your family more then arrange more trips and invite them to you more, if your husband opposes that then you have a problem. However it sounds like your husband doesn’t have a problem with you wanting to see your family more, you have a problem seeing his more.
Personally I think your husband is right it isn’t his fault your family live further and it isn’t his fault his family make more of a big deal over get togethers.
What exactly are you having to champion or fight about? Does he refuse trips to see your family? Or do you expect to see his family less because yours live further?
Post # 4
Member
2795 posts
Sugar bee
We have seen DH’s family twice in the past three years and my family almost biweekly due to distance. There are many circumstances in which equal visits are not possible or fair. Also I think it’s a bit much to expect him to try to “keep in touch” with your family outside of when you visit, I have a good relationship with my in-laws but literally never speak to them unless I see them in person. And I can’t even fathom being the one to plan trips to see them.. they are DHs parents so that’s on him. I think your expectations are just a little unrealistic.
Post # 5
Member
374 posts
Helper bee
Ok the latter, but what do you mean how did it work before marriage? Why would it be the “same” before marriage? Marriage changes everything. Before marriage we did our own things and only saw each other’s families together like once a year for a wedding or special occasion. Maybe I should have cleared this up but we didn’t live together before marriage so this wasn’t an issue then. And I didn’t pick the location of where we lived – he did. I had to move to him after marriage. So that “accusation” (that’s what it comes off as from your “surely you knew?” Tone) also doesnt fly. And like I said I’m willing to do all the work for finding sales and time, etc. threecrazycats :
Post # 6
Member
374 posts
Helper bee
Both I guess. He feels it’s odd to make more trips to my family “just because” without some sort of occasion like his family celebrates. But I also feel that we don’t have to make a ton of trips simply because his family does more stuff and are within driving distance – if you can’t change demand, try to change supply type of thing. I don’t care if he goes on his own, it’s just not fair of him to expect me to always come when he won’t do the same for me. zzar45 :
Post # 7
Member
5708 posts
Bee Keeper
So does he actually say no to trips to see your family? How far do you have to travel to your family? If he does say no what reason does he give you?
You still seem stuck on the visits being equal but it does make more sense to visit the local family more, that just seems obvious. glutton :
Post # 8
Member
1263 posts
Bumble bee
glutton : hmmm, you seem a little unnecessarily hostile to the previous poster. Her questions are valid ones. Marriage does not necessarily ‘change everything’ at all, so it’s clear why she asked. Before we got married, my husband and I had the same set up of visiting family together and not just ‘doing our own thing’. Sure, not everyone gets ingrained with families before marriage, but it’s certainly not uncommon at all.
Post # 9
Member
2443 posts
Buzzing bee
I think it’s unrealistic to keep visits even in this situation.
We’re in the same situation, as his family is 2.5 hours away and mine is a 2.5 hour plane ride. We see his family more than mine and I’m fine with that. Would I like to see my family more? Absolutely, but it’s expensive and takes more time.
We only see his family every few months, so it’s not a ton, but more than my family. It’s easy to take quick trip down there because we don’t need to take time off work and can do it in one weekend.
I honestly see my family about once a year. My mother comes out a few times a year to see our son, but it’s just too costly to visit much more. Every trip is at least $750 in total airfare, so that’s the reality. And I don’t begrudge Darling Husband trips to see his family just because I can’t see mine.
Post # 10
Member
1115 posts
Bumble bee
I didnt live with my husband prior to marriage, but after years of dating, we went to each other’s family’s events frequently. Things were pretty even until his family moved out of state .
Now that his parents are in another state, we see them 2-3 times a year. While we see my parents almost weekly because they live within 15 minutes. Traveling to see his family not only costs money: flights etc. but it takes up time from work. We both have a limited amount of vacation time and we love to travel. So we have to plan accordingly to schedule travel and family visits. If they lived closer, we would spend more time with them. But we don’t limit time with my family just because we see his family less. That would be ludicrous.
glutton :
Post # 11
Member
374 posts
Helper bee
I’m sorry I came off hostile. I think maybe I am coming at this from a different angle than a lot of people on here. Without getting into too much detail on this, we both come from sub-branches of traditional Asian / Asian-American cultures where you don’t really get involved in each other’s families until you are at least engaged (and really more like married). We were also long distance and saving for a wedding at the time, so trips to each other’s families were very limited. So in short, marriage was a humongous change for us and it’s still taking some time to get used to being an “us” that makes joint decisions for stuff like this. Before marriage, he would largely attend family things on his own and I would visit my family on my own for the most part. This wasn’t a big deal at all because we didn’t live together. Hope that makes sense. i guess I shouldn’t have assumed everyone’s life changes a lot after marriage and the commentor shouldn’t have assumed it stays largely the same 🤷🏻♀️. littlebuzz :
Post # 12
Member
374 posts
Helper bee
Hmm thank you both. It’s helpful to hear this. (Although hard because I’m someone who would want things to try and be as fair as possible . I understand trips are not possible all the time but then I would expect him to makeup with phone calls or other ways to keep in touch. I guess I didn’t realize this was a big ask and not really normal behavior. SuperKate : beignetwife :
Post # 13
Member
233 posts
Helper bee
We live near my husband’s family and mine is on the other side of the country. The only holiday we set in stone is Christmas and we alternate years between his family and mine. If we are in town, we see his family for Easter, Thanksgiving, and various get togethers and BBQs (4th of July, memorial day, etc.). I go back to visit my family 2-3 times a year for long weekends, but it’s a lot easier for me to take off of work than him. I’d love for him to come with me a little more frequently, but I also understand that he doesn’t want to use up all his vacation time visiting my family, but we do make it a priority to take vacations just the two of us. I would never tell him we need to spend less time to visit him family because we don’t see mine more.
Also – it surely wasn’t only him to set where you guys lived after marriage, you made the decision to move there. It is hard to not be closer to your family, but I don’t think it’s fair to put the blame on where you guys live entirely on him.
Post # 14
Member
2400 posts
Buzzing bee
It sounds like you expect him to put in double or triple the effort to see your family than he does his own. Flights. Extra time off work. Additional money spent… so you can have an equal number of visits. That seems very unfair to me
Post # 15
Member
2895 posts
Sugar bee
glutton : It seems like you resent your husband a bit for moving away from your own family?
It makes perfect sense to see the local family more than the other family, that really sucks for you but making god knows how many trips to see family that requires a flight, potentially a car and hotel, time off work, etc would add up SO fast.
Our families live just under two hours away in the opposite direction and I see my mom way more than he sees his side of the family (apart from siblings that were friends with). He doesn’t come with me on most visits which is totally fine, his family has more “events” as they’re a bigger family and I will try to make the ones that I can but if I already have plans I’ll decline and husband will go without me.
This was never really a big issue for us, but the holidays were pretty difficult to split up “evenly” and we argued about it quite a bit before settling on something where we both had to compromise.
Member