Traveling to see family

posted 5 months ago in Married Life
Post # 18
Member
2895 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

glutton :  I just read your last update, I don’t know if I missed it in the previous posts but his family is a four hour drive away, one way? How often are you making this drive to his family? I was thinking local, as in local. Like an hour max… 

 

Post # 19
Member
1115 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

glutton :  fair doesn’t mean equal amount of visits. One visit to his family doesn’t equal one visit to your family. Your family requires a lot more time, money, and sacrifice than his. 

If you don’t want to go to as many of his family events because you don’t enjoy their company, they make you uncomfortable, visiting his family prevents you from seeing your family, visiting his family prevents you from doing other things you enjoy, then you should limit the amount of time that you visit his family. I love seeing my parents and sibling. However, my husband and i are our own family now. So  our (not mine or his) interests come first. But limiting visits with your husbands family just to make things “even” isn’t right. 

 

I also think its fair to tell tell your husband that the two of you don’t have to attend every single event that his family has. It’s ok to miss some. 

Post # 20
Member
830 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

glutton :  Since you say you want things to be as fair as possible, maybe it would help for you to think of it in terms of being fair with regard to  expenses for family visits. For example, if your family is a $400 per-person plane flight away, that’d be $800 for a visit. If his family is about 1 tank of gas away (so maybe $80 round trip), then maybe you guys could go on 10 visits to his family for every 1 visit to yours. As a couple, you guys would be spending about $800 per family per year, but it might mean seeing his family almost once a month, and yours once a year.

However, if you feel like you’ve sacrificed unfairly by moving near your husband’s family and far away from your own, maybe you guys need to revisit that decision. Why are you living where you are? Would job opportunties be as good near your family as they are in your current location? Would he be open to moving closer to your family someday?

Post # 23
Member
6752 posts
Busy Beekeeper

glutton :  An eight hour round-trip drive is not “local” to me. How often are you making this trip? 

ETA: You’re moving in a couple of months and will have to fly back how many times to see his family? What kind of family events are these and will people really not understand if your plans have to change due to the move?

Post # 24
Member
14965 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Even if the flight is only 1 hour and $200 round trip, a flight is always just going to be that much more work to do to visit a family than to hop in the car and drive.  What if it were the other way around and your family was driving distance and his were a flight.  Would you want him to tell you, well, we saw my family twice, and yours 4 times already, we’re not going to anymore of your familys events until we see mine at least once more.  We’re going to have to skip that birthday party.  Doesnt make sense right?  Of course the family that is easier to see, especially if there’s more family oriented events, will be seen.  You can’t really hop a last minute flight on a whim or change flights if you want to change your mind, but you can do a drive, or cancel a drive easily.

Though a 4 hour drive is pretty long imo, and I probably wouldn’t be making that like every month either.

Post # 25
Member
9719 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

So my husband and I live pretty similar distances from our families. 3 hours from my family and 8 hours from his.

And we pretty much visit them an even amount. We alternate years for Christmas and then if there’s a wedding or big event we’ll  make an extra trip. But other than that we don’t travel to see them. We see my parents more because they come visit us. 

So while I don’t think it needs to be an perfectly even 50/50 split it does sound like you are visiting his family more than is reasonable.  But I think you are making this about the wrong thing – it’s not about needing the time spent with families to be totally even it’s about spending too much time with (and traveling) to his family. With that kind of distance it’s ridiculous to expect you to be at every event. 

Post # 26
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

I could have written this question myself since we had the same situation. We dont travel more than 1x a year to see family. #1 expensive #2 stressful and filled with drama #3 we are busy all the time. With that being said it’s hard to justify more frequency than that

We dont keep it 50/50 but we see the family we are closer to. Even with just 2 people we are our own family with our own traditions. It took some figuring out at first and compromise for hubby to realize what your Darling Husband is going thru right now. His family is cultural and doesnt have the social skills to truly bond. Our first priority is our own family. We hold our own holidays where both families are invited and whoever comes or doesnt is cool with us

Post # 27
Member
1149 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

glutton :  Woah calm down in this day and age a lot of people live together before marriage so the other bee asking how did marriage change things wasn’t out of line or weird at all. She had no way of knowing you didn’t live together before marriage. While it’s good that you would be the one to plan all the trips to see your family I would imagine it would be exhausting to keep exact score of seeing your family the same amount you see your in laws if your family literally lives a plane ride away and his doesn’t your logic makes no sense. If both your families lived near you guys and you were seeing his family once a week and your family once every other month than that would be odd but logically your reasoning seems extremely petty that you are actually keeping score well we saw so and so from your family this week so now we have to hop on a plane to see my family. I mean when you moved you were aware you would be moving far away from your family so to bitch about it isn’t unfair to your husband to guilt him for something that you agreed on.

Post # 29
Member
1149 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

glutton :  She didn’t assume it changed she simply asked a wuestion that is very pertinent to your OP. The truth of the matter is yes in this day and age a lot of people dont change their set up in their relationship when it comes to visiting family after marriage because most not all but most couples co habit togetber before marriage. I guess thats a sore spot for you but it doesn’t mean she meant any harm or offense to you.

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