Post # 46
Hi, usually he says he’s busy (which he is indeed due to his masters degree on top of work). I understand that he’s busy with schoolwork but what hurts me is when he’s not too busy to see his family multiple times a year for all the holidays he doesn’t even really believe in but too busy to see mine (I’m not even asking to take time off). Ultimately Ive just been going on my own lately. zzar45 :
I have been going on my own – that’s been the solution so far but it’s a temporary one. Again The issue is not that he doesn’t “let” me go or that it interferes with my family’s plans too often (a few times it has, so I adjusted or rearranged). The issue is more of balance and how much effort we take to be in touch with each other’s families (again I understand flights are not as easy, convenient, or cheap – if he took more efforts at phone calls or other means I wouldn’t be as upset). pocahontas28 :
Post # 47
Thank you for understanding! It’s so hard on these threads sometimes to be understood and not completely ripped on. Yes I understand what everyone is saying about things aren’t always going to be fair, or convenient, or feasible. But if there is a way to make it more fair or feasible, why can’t we try? If it’s too hard that’s fine, but I feel like there should be other ways to make it work. What I don’t want is 2-3 years from now he’s not comfortable or close with my family only because he hasn’t spent time with them or gotten the chance to interact much. Then things become one sided and have implications for kids and future issues as well. I can just see how this could become a cycle, you know? jess9090 :
Post # 48
glutton : It sounds like a lot of your problems and resentment could be resolved through better communication. For example when he says he is too busy why don’t you reply with “okay if those dates don’t work for you could you let me know which other weekend you would prefer within the next two/three months?”
Have you point blank called him out on this? Pointed out that you visited his family 5 times in a year but he has only gone once to yours? Have told told him you want him to make more of an effort?
Post # 49
I don’t think there is a right and wrong amount to see family; only what you are both happy with. If you would like him to visit your family more, and would like him to go with you, it sounds reasonable. I don’t think anyone needs a reason to visit family other than you want to.
I do think you need to discuss and agree it though. When I was engaged to my now ex-fi, he made a throw-away comment that once we were married he’d like to visit his family once a fortnight. Given we’d only visited them about twice a year up til then (they lived far away), this was a shock to me. I wouldn’t have been happy visiting them so often given the distances involved and all the other things I wanted to do on my weekends. But for other people I’m sure it would be fine/normal.
Post # 50
I haven’t read the pages of comments – If you’re both close to your families and he chose the spot where you two settled and that location happened to be close to his family, I would expect him to go above and beyond to ensure that you two do visit your family. It probably won’t be equal, but probably more planned and for longer periods of time if more travel is required. Specific celebrations seem irrelevant to me; family is family and if it’s important to you than they don’t have to be the frequently celebrating things type to merit visits. In terms of suddenly being expected to go see his family all the time, I would probably just discuss boundaries and expectations with your husband. Your time together as a couple and individual time to pursue interests on the weekends still needs to be accommodated. If family time is unreasonably infringing on it, it’s time to cut back.
My husband’s family is huge compared to mine and there are definitely more celebrations and occasions that come with invitations. We discuss before each one. I’d say we see his family probably 2 or 3 times a month because the visits last longer and are a bit more planned/formal. We see my family probably 4 or 5 times a week because they just drop by and like to play with our 2 year old son; we aren’t expected to drop everything or even be in the same part of the house as them.
Post # 51
glutton : We see my family quite a bit more, as they live 4 hours away and his requires a plane ride. We do try to see his family twice a year though.
I think it’s a little ridiculous to try to keep things equal when one set of family is much easier / cheaper to see than the other….
That said, I almost always accompany him when we fly to see his family and very much prioritize spending time with them when we can. We’ve only been together for 3 years and I already am waaaay closer with them than was his ex-wife of 20 years! His ex basically had a “them or me” philosophy by the end of their marriage, and it was super damaging. So I can understand why you are hurt that he’s seemingly not putting forth the effort to get to know them.
Post # 52
I think it’s unrealistic for you to spend equal time with both families when yours lives so far away. My husbands family lives all within a 30 minute radius of us and we see at least someone from his family once a week. My mom lives 1000 miles north. She flies down every few months and we go up there once a year. I have a great relationship with my mom but he’s never going to be as close to her as I am to his mom and that’s ok.
His family is your family now too. I don’t think it’s healthy for you to be jealous or feel slighted about this.