Trend of not being invited as a plus one

posted 3 months ago in Guests
Post # 2
Member
471 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2021

For my first wedding I was really young and if I didnʻt know my guest was married or in a serious relationship with someone I didnʻt give them a plus one. If you get the feeling he isnʻt taking your relationship seriously, is there a chance the bride and groom have that impression as well? Guest lists are tough but I tried hard to include all bfs/gfs that were at least exlcusive

Post # 3
Member
619 posts
Busy bee

That’s a tough one. I’m definitely in the camp that unless a plus1 is explicitly offered, it’s inappropriate to ask for one. 

That being said, I’d be pretty upset if I were you. Both at the friends, who seem to be excluding someone he’s been in a serious relationship with for a while, and him for not making it clear he wouldn’t care to attend without you. 

I think you’re kinda screwed on this one. It is a fairly common rule these days, “No Ring No Bring” and while it can feel like a personal slight, some people are so desperate to keep the guest list under control, they’re looking for any option to do so. 

It’s probably too late in this case, but I think he should make a point of communicating to any friends who may be considering future invite lists that having you there is important to him. It’s all you can do and hope for the best.

It’s a bummer. I’m sorry.

Post # 4
Member
555 posts
Busy bee

If you can’t afford to host a plus one for all guests that it would apply to, I think it shows that you are having a larger wedding than you can reasonably afford.

Brides and grooms forget they are the HOSTS of the reception, the responsibility of a host is to make your guests as comfortable as possible. 

I think that that a lot of people think it’s a mechanism for getting gifts of greater value than what was spent on the wedding.  And it’s tacky.  IMO

Post # 5
Member
842 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I definitely think you should have been your BF’s plus one, but I don’t think it’s appropriate to ask if you can come. The bride and groom really dropped the ball on that one. 

As for your BF, unless he’s shown other instances of not taking your relationship seriously, I wouldn’t take this as a sign that he’s not serious. Since he wants to go to the wedding and it’s not really good etiquette to request a plus one, he might just not want to ask. I’d let it go and let him enjoy attending the wedding, but I’d definitely keep in mind that the bride and groom were sort of tacky. I wouldn’t go out of my way to form a friendship with them or anything. 

Post # 6
Member
279 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

squishee :  “I think that that a lot of people think it’s a mechanism for getting gifts of greater value than what was spent on the wedding. And it’s tacky.”

Wouldn’t it make more sense for the hosts to invite more people and grant plus ones if the point were just to receive more gifts?

purehart :  I agree that the bride and groom dropped the ball and I agree with PP that you shouldn’t be mad at your boyfriend if he’s been treating the relationship seriously aside from this wedding. It probably isn’t the right hill to die on and end his friendship with this couple. Find a group of friends to go out with that night, get dressed up, and have your own fun. 

Post # 7
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I’m part of a few different wedding groups and most brides seem to be cutting plus ones… either they make criteria like “no ring, no bring” or say they need to be living together. Some brides go as far as not inviting their co-workers or friends husbands or wifes (which I think is very wrong to do) just because they’ve never met them. 

Personally I disagree with the way brides and grooms are handling plus ones. It’s IMPOSSIBLE to tell if someone’s relationship is serious or not. Maybe this couple is expecting a child but hasn’t announced it, maybe one of them is planning to propose very soon, you never know! I believe that an adult in a relationship should be allowed a plus one. I agree with not letting single guests bring a random hookup, but any commited relationships should be able to bring their significant other

 

Post # 8
Member
2335 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - Valleybrook Country Club

I think it is ridiculous. I invited everyones significant other and gave plus ones to everyone who was single. At the very least, if it’s someone you know is in a relationship, I feel that it’s rude not to invite them. For this bride to have spoken to you about her wedding and then not invite you is wildly inappropriate. How does your boyfriend feel about the situation? Would he be open to rescinding his acceptance? Has the RSVP date passed yet?

Post # 9
Member
1245 posts
Bumble bee

Our rule was married, living together/coparent as a couple, have a partner who’s first name we know, or would feel uncomfortable not knowing anybody- all of those warranted plus ones for us.  

I’m usually very “your wedding, your rules” re: these issues but I do understand why OP is offended.  Sounds like the hosts either did not budget correctly or are being spiteful?

Post # 10
Member
949 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Their policy is a crappy one and violates etiquette according to the Emily Post Estate that says married, engaged, and cohabitating couples always get invited together. Now you don’t say whether or not you live together, and if you don’t, they’re technically not doing anything wrong. It sucks, but it’s the truth. You don’t ask for a plus one after the fact. Basically you can just stare down your nose and feel superior that you’ll never be so rude to guests. 

Post # 11
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Obviously it sucks but people need to make cuts somewhere.  When we made our guest list my fiances college buddy who he hasn’t been in the best communication with until we moved back a few months ago we did not know he had a girlfriend.  We meet her this weekend and unfortunitly we still do not have enough room to invite her. 

Our friend who is getting married soon after said people do not get plus ones unless they are married, engaged or had been living together when they made their original list.

 

If we had not made cuts our wedding would be close to 300 people.

Post # 12
Member
320 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

It’s rude and I agree wth you, PP. I’d be incredibly pissed. The bride and groom should want their guests to feel

comfortable, and that means inviting plus ones. I find it incredibly rude when this isn’t done. We invited every single guest with a plus one, single or not. It’s the right thing to do and should be budgeted for. 

Post # 13
Member
6106 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

squishee :  

If you can’t afford to host a plus one for all guests that it would apply to, I think it shows that you are having a larger wedding than you can reasonably afford.

Brides and grooms forget they are the HOSTS of the reception, the responsibility of a host is to make your guests as comfortable as possible. 

<div style=”overflow: hidden; color: #000000; background-color: #ffffff; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;”>You definitely put my feelings into a nice way to say it!</div>
<div style=”overflow: hidden; color: #000000; background-color: #ffffff; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;”> </div>
<div style=”overflow: hidden; color: #000000; background-color: #ffffff; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;”>It seems like these days couples are forgetting that while the ceremony is for them, the reception is a THANK YOU to your guests for joining you to celebrate your marriage. Every time I see someone post something like “well we were on a tight budget and couldn’t afford to invite plus one’s” I think, then you need to really rethink the kind of wedding you’re having. I’m sure plenty of people will disagree with me and find a whole host of reasons why it’s perfectly find to invite people without a plus one, but there isn’t any excuse that will change my mind from thinking it’s completely rude.</div>
<div style=”overflow: hidden; color: #000000; background-color: #ffffff; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;”> </div>
<div style=”overflow: hidden; color: #000000; background-color: #ffffff; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;”>DH and I were fortunate to be able to have a large wedding and everyone, regardless of relationship status, was invited with a +1. That being said had our budget been smaller we would have scaled back our guest list while still making sure those invited had a +1. It’s just proper. Then again, DH and I had pretty specific standards for hosting our wedding including making sure everyond had a seat, were fed a full meal, and had a full open bar – we would have planned our guest list accordingly to make sure it could happen within our budget in the even we needed to scale back.</div>
<div style=”overflow: hidden; color: #000000; background-color: #ffffff; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;”> </div>
<div style=”overflow: hidden; color: #000000; background-color: #ffffff; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;”>Luckily in my circle it’s never been an issue. Over the years we’ve had several of DH’s friends invite him without a +1 and he’s declined them all without even so much as a prompt from me. Why? Because he doesn’t want to attend a wedding solo either. The worst was when his one friend got married and we were invited (together) to an engagement party but then only he was invited to the wedding. We had been together over 10 years at that point (although not married or engaged) and owned a home together – this friend had even *stayed as a guest in our house*. Needless to say DH declining was a no-brainer. He was super offended.</div>

Post # 15
Member
1247 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

My DH would never have attended a wedding without me when we were dating.  If he did I would dress up and go out with some friends, probably look for his replacement. 

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