(Closed) Tricky situation, I'm new here but please give advice.

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2808 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

first off, i think you need to tell someone what happened. at least your mother. it may have been a very long time ago, but he may still have issues. and i understand where your fiance i coming from. i wouldn’t want someone who abused my fiance at our wedding, know what i mean?

secondly, don’t blame yourself. you were the victim here. you can’t blame yourself for how he’s living his life. that’s his problem, not yours.

thirdly, {{hugs}} cause you’re gonna need them with all of the stress it seems like you’ve got because of this.

Post # 4
Member
1938 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

This is a very difficult situation. I am wondering how old you both were when this began. To me “curiousity” is a natural thing, but it sounds like it went beyond that, and if he stopped in 9th grade that is WAY old enough to know better…..

I am also curious as to whether or not you have seen someone (mental health professional) about this.. It seems like a good plan. Maybe if you did and worked up to it you could have your brother go in to sessions with you. It might help to know why he did it… but obviously only under the guidance of a professional. 

My heart goes out to you, this would be such a hard place to be in. I wish you the best.

Post # 6
Member
837 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Bottom line is he is doesn’t deserve to be at your wedding. You can’t blame your Fiance for not wanting anything to do with him.

Send him an email, and tell him he’s not welcome because of what he did. End of story.

The fact that he is living in his truck? Sucks, but it’s karma. Who knows if you are the only one he did those things to or what else he’s been up to. He’s obviously a sick human being, and I personally wouldn’t want him anywhere near me and/or my family.

Cut him out of your life now. Just get it over with, it’ll be easier that way. 

Post # 7
Member
1938 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@girlwithadog:  A good therapist shouldn’t get so emotional during a session, I am sorry you went through that. 14 and 9…. wow. I am so so sorry you had to go through that. 

I agree that it would be a good idea to tell your mother. If you are currently in therapy (and I am seriously hoping you found or will find a new therapist) maybe it would be a good idea for your mom to come to a session with you, so that the therapist can be a buffer for you. 

 

Post # 8
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I’m curious, who was the family member who put a stop to it?  Why in the hell didn’t they do something more?  I realize he’s your brother, but holy shit – what if you weren’t the only one and this has continued?

Things like this don’t usually just happen to one unfortunate little girl.  A friend of mine had this happen to her, and just recently found out it happened to a few of her cousins.  No one said anything until now, and he’s just had a baby girl.  

Post # 9
Member
12247 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

I would tell him he’s not invited. And if he kicks up a fuss, I would say “Look. You know why you’re not invited. I don’t want to tell mom what happened, but I will if you don’t “have something important to do” that day.”

Post # 10
Member
1177 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I can’t really tell from your response whether you’re still in therapy and whether you felt like it was helpful. Either way, please contact RAINN (www.rainn.org) and get some support. Obviously you have an immediate issue to deal with in your wedding, but the counselors there can help you talk through your options and communicate with your brother in an effective way without compromising your own emotional health.

Post # 11
Member
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I am so so so sorry that that happened to you!! Like you said NONE of it was your fault. You need to talk to your mother about it, and IMO i think your brother needs help… Serious help!.. Its your right to not want him part of your life….. if i was in your shoes, i wouldnt even give him the time or day.. 

STAND your ground..

Good luck!

Post # 12
Member
7208 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@girlwithadog:  First of all, I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. There are SO many emotions at play here, but I do have some personal insight into what you’re going through. 

Here’s the thing… it’s your brother’s fault, so your brother can deal with it. You can tell him “I have been having a hard time dealing with the things you did to me when we were younger. You coming back into town caused an emotional breakdown and I told Fiance about it. He refuses to have you at our wedding because he knows what a hardship it would be on me. I don’t want to hurt our mother by telling her what you did to me, so you will have to come up with something to say to her regarding why you will not be at my wedding. I suggest you get therapy, as I have, and ask that you stop mentioning me on Facebook as it seems like a cry for sympathy, which you are not entitled to.”

YOU have to look out for YOU. That is why your therapist is angry. He’s trying to make YOU angry. You are allowed to be angry at your brother. You are not responsible for his bad feelings about things HE DID TO YOU. You do not have to take care of him. You have to take care of yourself. 

Post # 14
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@MexiPino:   You are allowed to be angry at your brother. You are not responsible for his bad feelings about things HE DID TO YOU. You do not have to take care of him. You have to take care of yourself.
 

100% agree.

Post # 16
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@girlwithadog:  Well, I’m glad that it made him stop with you, but I wonder how he got into therapy without your mother knowing.  Could it be that she knows and hasn’t said anything? I hope not for your sake.

I would be really worried about his daughters.  With any luck it was something he was doing to ‘experiment’ and was never done again, but somehow I highly doubt that.

The topic ‘Tricky situation, I'm new here but please give advice.’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors