(Closed) Tricky situation, I'm new here but please give advice.

• girlwithadog
• 5 years ago

• Wedding: April 2013

I’m new here and this is hard for me to get into but I’m here searching for some advice.

To make a long story short, my brother is 4 years older than I am. Growing up he liked to make me play “games”. I wont get into them but I’m sure you can figure out the jest of it. He didn’t stop until he was in 9th grade and a family member forced him to stop.

I spent my entire childhood and basically life trying to ignore it, trying to convince myself it did not happen. Trying to pretend like it was just a dream. Finally though last year I was able to deal with it. It was hard but I was able to admit it happened, see it wasn’t my fault etc.

I also told my fiance about this. At the time my brother lived in another country! But last year he moved back to the states and to Georgia none the less. It was bad. I flipped out and panicked. He started trying to come over to my house all the time and it was not acceptable.

Now here’s the issue, my fiance refuses to invite my brother to our wedding. I understand completely, my fiance is FURIOUS that my brother would do something like that to his little sister and says he never wants to see my brothers face. But my mom has no clue about the history and continues to talk about my brother being at the wedding and all the things he can do to help.

So I have to tell my brother he can not come to the wedding. But it will blind sight him, I’ve spent the last 10 years acting like it never happened and now all of a sudden I’m telling him he’s not invited to my wedding because of it. He never apologized for it or anything so it has never been talked about at all.

I’m already non confrontational so sending him the email will be hard, but what’s more difficult is that he is now living in his truck, and posted on fb yesterday “I miss my family and miss my sister” wth?

I don’t know what to do or how to tell him he can’t come to the wedding. He’s drinking a lot nowadays and always seems to post depressing drunk updates on fb, I’m worried of making him snap or something. What do I do?

Edit to include*

My fiance could tell before I told him that something was off. He met my brother before I told him. About 2 weeks after he met my brother I finally told him and he wasn’t surprised. He said my brother started talking about how I was such an amazing person and he’d never find someone as good as I was and my fiance thought it was strange but said “Yeah I’m so lucky to have her” and my brother just looked at his feet and got quiet and didn’t say anything after. I don’t know how to read this but my brother has always been like that. He’s been supportive of what I wanted to do but there has always been this underlying something… Just something off deep down and I’ve always seen it. My fiance seeing it just confirmed I wasn’t crazy and something is still very off about that.

I just don’t know how to tell him. I hate the idea of hurting anyone at all, and I know he doesn’t deserve my kindness but none the less I feel bad about the idea of hurting anyone

• girlwithadog
• 5 years ago

• Wedding: April 2013

@SweetartMD:  Thank you for your reply. It started when I was about 4 and he was 8. It continued until he just turned 14 and I was still 9 when they put a stop to it. I was in the 5th grade he was in the 9th. I never wanted to play the games but he always made me.

I did go to therapy. My brother came back and I got really bad, horrible shape. So I started going to therapy. But the therapist always seemed to be angry any time I showed any kind of sympathy for my brother. He would constantly say “You could put him in jail!” and etc, things like that. I saw the therapist and was able to finally start working on it which I am so much better than I have ever been.

@colorofmyheart:  Thank you for your response, it made me feel much better. I can’t tell my mom, she has a way of thinking everything is her fault and I couldn’t put that kind of guilt on her. She’s a wonderful person and it would break her heart to know that went on for so long. So my fiance knows and the therapist I saw for about 8 months. No one else. Now with the wedding so close, I have to tell him he can’t come, I just don’t know how.

Your comment did make me feel better, I have a natural habit much like my moms for feeling guilty for things I have no reason to feel guilty over. It helps to feel justified in this decision thank you!

• girlwithadog
• 5 years ago

• Wedding: April 2013

@lia22:  It was my moms boyfriend at the time. He walked into my brothers room and it was in the middle of one of my brothers tickeling games. I hated those games. But my moms boyfriend flipped out because my brother unbuttoned his pants and unzipped them and I guess there was some… Well you get the idea I hope. It’s hard to go over all the details. Nothing happened that day but my moms boyfriend knew from the look that something was wrong with my brother and put my brother in therapy right away. No one ever said anything to me or asked how I was doing or anything so I assumed my mom just didn’t know. It still has not been brought up.

I do worry about it happening to other kids, especially since he has two daughters. I don’t know if therapy changed him or not but I know, and have always known, that he’s got some deep issues in relation to that that he’s never been able to get over. I can tell with the way he talks to and about me.

@BrandNewBride:  Thank you! You are so right and you made me laugh, I really needed a laugh!

@geekspice:  I’m not in therapy any more, My therapist was a good guy, to an extent and really helped me deal with the issues relating to my brother, well the issues that effected my life, but he kept pushing me in certain areas and I got so tired of hashing everything out I just decided to take a break and work on me by myself. I will def. check into your link though, thank you 🙂

@SweetartMD:  I like the idea of bringing my mom to a session. I’m not in therapy right now but when I do go back (after the wedding and during summer break from my college classes) I’ll consider bringing her in, so long as I have a therapist I trust and would help and not make the situation worse

• girlwithadog
• 5 years ago

• Wedding: April 2013

@graygodess20:  Thank you, he did get “help” when he was 14 and it stopped but I don’t think it did much. When he came back from therapy he was different. Dark and changed. I don’t know what went on in his head or in those sessions but I do know that there is still something there he needs to work on. I can just feel it, and my fiance can see it.

@MexiPino:  I really like the way you phrased that. I may just copy and paste that if you don’t mind 🙂 Thank you for that. I never went through an anger phase with my brother, but I probably should let myself be angry. I just get so overwhelmed with guilt and concerns about hurting someone, especially a family member that all guilt and concern trumps any anger. I should probably work on that. I know it’s his fault but I don’t blame him, if that makes sense. I don’t blame myself of course but I don’t know… I guess that’s why therapists have to go to school for a long time, some issues are just so darn complicated!