(Closed) Tricky situation, I'm new here but please give advice.

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
1176 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Put him in the Restricted group in Facebook and hide him from your feed. It’s the same as deleting him without all the drama.

Good on you for sending the email. You’re very brave to deal with this head-on.

Post # 48
Member
723 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

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@girlwithadog: This is all incredibly heartbreaking, I’m so sorry. If you don’t want to block him from Facebook, you really need to hide his posts. He is not the victim in any of this, and you are treating him as such. Start caring for yourself as you would your daughter. You deserve that level of care and protection, even though you sadly did not get it from your mother.

Also you really, really, REALLY need to tell your SIL about what he did to you. You telling her could literally save these two girls from abuse. I know it’s painful, but it is not enough to just hope that he will not get custody. These children are in an incredibly vulnerable position and if he hasn’t already abused them, there is a huge possibility that he will. What if he gets partial custody and is able to see them unsupervised? Your experience could be what prevents this from happening. Their mother needs to know. 

Post # 49
Member
817 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@Wonderstruck:  I agree so much with what Womderstruck has said and encourage you as well to do this.

So so sorry OP :C I can only imagine how difficult it is and how strong you must be. 

Post # 50
Member
388 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I have no idea what to recommend to you about “how” or “when” or about managing the emotions… but please please please don’t let him be alone with his daughters or your daughter because your mom/their mom/whoever doesn’t know that he’s had tendencies of abusing others since a child.  I know it will cause a lot of attention and embarrassment for your and your family to talk about what happened, but he can’t be alone with young girls.  Ignoring things doesn’t make them go away 🙁  I know it will hurt your mom, but just imagine how much it will hurt if he does something to these new little girls in her life and finds out later what she never knew from your childhood.  ugh.. I’m so so sorry. 

Be strong! 

Post # 51
Member
11231 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I still think the email you sent was way too nice and apologetic. I can see how this is still affecting you and the way that you see him.

Your email should have read, “You are not welcome at my wedding, and will not be invited. What you did to me when we were kids, the hell that you put me through, will never go away, and it is still creating problems for me. You being back here, in the same country and state has made things worse. I am blocking you from further communication, and telling our mother what happened. Please get some help before you hurt someone else.”

You need to delete and block him from ALL forms of communication. You are allowing him to keep hurting you. He needs help, as do you. You need to tell your mother what happened, and tell her that he is not invited nor welcome to your wedding, and that you will no longer have contact with him. Prepare for her to not believe you, because many parents do not. Stop allowing him to keep hurting you by guilting you into keeping in touch or anything like that. You are giving him all of the power.

Post # 52
Member
466 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

The email has been sent, so I won’t offer advice as to what to include. I do advise that you now BLOCK further communications from him. It is likely that he is going to write you back and call and try to get a hold of you. He will probably post attention-seeking Facebook statuses. You are completely in the right and do not deserve to have to see any of this. My advise is to block his phone number, his email address and his Facebook page and do not accept communication from him. It will only hurt you and make you feel worse.

I agree that you should tell your mom. Possibly with your Fiance by your side for strength.

I am so so sorry you are going through this. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

 

Also, to the pro-incest person who said that her brother is clearly in love with her…rape/sexual assault is NOT about love. He may be obsessed with her, but please don’t try to say this is about love. If you love someone you keep their best intentions in mind. Your comments are just going to make OP feel more sympathy for her brother. He does not deserve it.

Post # 53
Member
7199 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

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@girlwithadog:  Glad I could be of help! I agree with the other bees who have suggested you “restrict” him on FB and hide him from your feed. It’s then like you’re not even friends.

I am EXTREMELY concerned about your daughter. Like others have said, your brother is clearly in love with you and your daughter, looking just like you, is going to be a very tempting target. I, personally, wouldn’t bring her to any event he was at. As you know, children can’t be watched every second and your brother got good at hiding his behavior. Honestly, I would probably not let my daughter be babysat by my mother if I were you, because he could come over while I wasn’t there. 

Ok… now that I’ve said all that, I really think you need to tell your mom. Maybe after the wedding, but at some point you need another ally in keeping your daughter safe. 

I’m so sorry. I hope sending him the email and blocking him on FB is enough for now, so you can focus on the very happy event happening in your life! Get married, have some time to relax with your new husband. Therapy, your mom & dealing with all this will still be there after. Try to enjoy this time!

Post # 54
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

“if I’m mean about it and accusatory.”

Telling him he sexually abused/raped you isn’t “mean.” It’s truthful.

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@lookingforadvice77:  Yeah it really disturbs me how she is treating him as the victim and going out of her way to make HIM comfortable. It’s a continuation of the abuse she suffered as a child, just now emotional rather than sexual. What she wants and feels doesn’t matter, only what he wants and feels does. No, OP! Please continue your therapy and help free yourself from this. It is clear that you are a kind and caring person and you deserve to be happy and secure too!

Post # 55
Member
11231 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

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@distracts:  Yes, exactly this.

Post # 56
Member
1684 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

2 things.

1.  Your brother was very young when this started.  Do you think there is a possibility someone was playing “these games” with him as well?

2.  It’s NEVER too late to get angry!!!  Who cares if it’s been 10, 20, or even 30 years.  Get mad!

Post # 58
Member
11231 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

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@girlwithadog:  Eesh. I do think your brother IS trying to make you feel guilty, but I would just take what he said at face value (for now) and move on. Get help for your issues and live your life.

Post # 59
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

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@girlwithadog:  I really don’t think it matters what was done to him. The point is that he is the trigger that brings up all this turmoil in you, and you need to not expose yourself to that. That is ALL that matters. At some point you have to be selfish and care for YOURSELF first. And it actually sounds like he understands that, so I’d leave it be. I’d just thank him for understanding and move on.

(Out of curiosity, is this the same ex that stopped it or a different one? And why the heck wasn’t your mom watching when all these strange men were around her kids????)

Post # 60
Member
1848 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

First of all, I hate hearing this happen to anyone at all. I’m really sorry you went through this. I can tell it affects you more than you’d like to admit. 🙁

If I were you, and my mother kept harping on the fact that he needed to be there…I’d sit her down and try to explain what happened. It isn’t easy and it’s not fun, but at least then there’s an understanding.

You seem to get highly, highly anxious at even the mention of him. I would agree that inviting him to the wedding would be a bad idea. It’s your day and your fiance’s day…if it doesn’t make you comfortable, you make the decision that’s best for you.

Sorry, but he knows what he has done. He hasn’t apologized and hasn’t even breached the topic. He was forced to stop when he was 13 or 14! He had the mind to know that what he was doing was horribly wrong. I’m sorry again, but thems the breaks.

 You were the victim, not him. Please see someone about this. (((big hugs)))

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