Tricky wedding questions – am I being too blunt?

posted 10 months ago in Guests
Post # 16
Member
751 posts
Busy bee

 

 

I agree with  karamellokoala :   and read your answer about kids the same way. I would be more direct, maybe something like “Our wedding is adults-only. We are happy to recommend local child care providers.”

Post # 17
Member
1681 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

SaraJeanQ :  Agreed.

With a small guest list of 45 a FAQ isn’t necessary. All your questions are extremely soft anyways. If you’re going to have a FAQ, then give them real answers not answers that can be interpreted either way.

Post # 18
Member
2716 posts
Sugar bee

I would be confused by your child one. Just say that they aren’t invited. Ours says “Are kids invited?” “No, this is a 19+ event.” I still had 1 person ask me “well because little johnny is only going to be 1, does that include him?” and I was like “yes, no minors are invited.” lol.

I dont see the need for the rest about dancing or dress code. Unless there is a dress code of the venue that they will kick you out or not allow you in, I wouldn’t put it.

Post # 19
Member
2039 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

theotherbride :  I think you’ve actually tried so hard to be polite, that the answers are a bit confusing, and you need to be more blunt. For example,

Can I bring the children?

The ceremony and reception are adults-only. Unfortuanately, we cannnot accommodate children and guests under the age of 21. If you’re traveling with kiddos, we recommend using Care.com if you are in need of child-case services.

Will there be dancing?

Neither of us knows how to dance! The reception will not have any dancing, but there will be dinner and music.

Is there a dress code?

The venue does not have a strict dress code, but we recommend _______.

 

Basically, be very clear. If you’re going to mention dress, put in an actual recommendation.

Post # 20
Member
998 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

theotherbride :  There is absolutely no need for any of this.  Unless your guests will not be receiving invitations or they have recently arrived from another planet, all of this is covered by the invitation.

1)  Kids:  You put the names of people who are invited on the invitation.  Done.

2)  Dancing:  On the invitation or reception card it will say “dinner reception to follow” or similar.  That makes it pretty clear that what’s involved in the reception is . . . dinner.  Also I don’t get why you’re mentioning (in your post) drunken dancing.  Are you having alcohol?  Are worried about people getting drunk or just about spontaneous dancing breaking out?

3)  Dress code:  None.  Is your wedding black tie?  White tie?  No?  Ok.  Then no dress code.  Again, the invitation will reveal this truth to people.  When they see the location, they’ll sort out what to wear.  I have a pretty good idea of how to dress to go to a nice steakhouse.

It just makes people think that you think they’re stupid to put this stuff on the website (that few people will look at anyway).  Worse yet, it seems very controlling and patronizing.

Post # 21
Member
572 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

If there ever was a time to be blunt, this would be it. Trying to be too polite can sometimes come off as vague, and it doesn’t sound like you want to leave people any room for negotiation. So, be clear that there are to be absolutely no children at your ceremony/reception – it might be best to give an actual age limit (like, no one under 18 for example). Instead of offering to help find childcare services, I would simply provide a few links/recommended names if possible. 

As for attire, I think the comment that people automatically know what to wear to a wedding is ridiculous. No one really knows what any dress code means – what I might wear to a fancy/upscale restaurant may be completely different from what someone else would wear. Last weekend I saw people interpret ‘beach casual’ in numerous ways ranging from a t-shirt and jeans to nice pants and Polos/button-ups. If it’s important to you that your guests dress a specific way (which is fine, it’s your day!) then specify it – formal, black tie, suits for men and cocktail dresses for women, etc. My cousin, in order to avoid seeming too blunt much like you, put “Dress to impress!” on her invitations. It worked well.

As for the dancing, I don’t think it’s necessary to include. This isn’t going to affect attendance and if they’re up for a night on the town after the reception, they can surely figure it out themselves.

I do agree that most of these things will be covered by the invitation, though, btw. 

Post # 22
Member
2122 posts
Buzzing bee

theotherbride :  I like your wording. I agree with the previous commenter that you could give more info about the dress code if you care. For example, if you don’t want to see any jeans, say so. Lots of men wear jeans to fancy restaurants now. My husband, for example, wears his nice jeans and a button down to fancy restaurants. If you want men to wear a tie and no jeans, best to specify. 

The dancing thing is fine, there isn’t usually dancing at a steak house 🙂 

Post # 23
Member
32 posts
Newbee

I do not like the wording. As some others have said, your efforts to not be too blunt have just made it hard to understand and not useful. If I was a guest with these questions I would feel the need to follow up with you, which is the opposite of what you want.

 

I said: No kids at the ceremony or reception please. But we would love for our guests to stay for the weekend, & may make childcare arrangements if there is interest, so let us know!

The dress code is Black Tie Optional (tuxes or suits, long dresses or fancy short dresses) but we’re sure you’ll look great no matter what. Note that most of the night will be outdoors. Don’t forget your dancing shoes!

There is a way to be nice and straightforward at the same time.

Post # 24
Member
998 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

npoliver :  Unless there’s a specific dress code mandated by the venue, or it’s a black tie affair, you can’t specify a dress code.  That’s just rude – adults know how to dress themselves.  And if they don’t?  Any amount of cutesy language designed to “help” them won’t matter anyway.

The venue, which will be specified on the invitation, is what will clue people in to the level of formality.  For a wedding at a steakhouse, I personally would feel comfortable wearing a knee length dress.  Someone else might interpret “fancy steakhouse attire” differently, but what can you do about that?  Demand that they wear a suit?

Post # 25
Member
572 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

fredthebasil :  If it was my wedding, I’d have no problem specifying what people wear – cutesy language or otherwise. I’m sorry, but I come from a family of people who see no problem wearing jeans to “formal” events (I think that’s rude), so that probably colors my thoughts. 

Post # 26
Member
2716 posts
Sugar bee

npoliver :  Except the problem is, if they wear jeans to formal events, they’ll probably ignore whatever you write anyways. “Oh she must mean my work jeans. I’ll wear the nice ones to this event.” It will either offend normal adults who can dress themselves, or the others will just ignore it, leaving it pointless.

Post # 27
Member
572 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

jellybellynelly :  Actually, no. In the instances where I’ve seen it specifically spelled out for those people, they either a) didn’t come at all or b) dressed properly. 

Post # 28
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee

theotherbride I guess I’m the odd duck out, as I would greatly appreciate the FAQ and having information about whether there would be dancing and what to wear. I’d rather have too much information, then assume and stick out like a sore thumb (and would be relieved to know that there wouldn’t be any dancing, as I’m not a dancer myself). I’d personally appreciate something that specifically says what typical attire is for the steakhouse (as upscale can mean many things). I overthink things though, so perhaps it’s just me.

For the children, if you actually want to help arrange child care, then it’s good. If not, then I would put “recommend” instead. 

Post # 29
Member
998 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

cherryfox22 :  You seriously wouldn’t know how to dress yourself to go out to a nice dinner?  How do you function in everyday life?

Post # 30
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee

fredthebasil :  Quite well, thank you. I work and go to school full-time, volunteer, keep a clean home, care for my dog, and manage to look presentable when I leave the home. I don’t however, own a lot of “nice” clothes (as I only dress up for interviews pretty much, work has a uniform of jeans and tshirt), and for a wedding, would mostly likely have to buy an outfit specifically for it, so I would appreciate information on whether “nice” meant I could wear my black slacks and nice top I already have, or if “nice” meant cocktail dress, or an evening gown. I apologize if me wanting to be 100% I would be dressed appropriately so I’m not uncomfortable the whole night offends you. 

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