(Closed) Tried and true advice on how to confront a spouse about weight gain

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
3370 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
@MsW-to-MrsM:  I never said the OP was shallow. And also yes directly said to me that what I suggested was “two-faced and shitty”

Post # 33
Member
2268 posts
Buzzing bee

He is not as attractive because of the weight he has gained. Why is it only ok if she is genuinely concerned about his health? Sex and intimacy is an important part of most marriages. 

Anything that causes negative feelings in a marriage needs to be addressed. I don’t think weight should be off limits if the weight loss isn’t enough to cause major health issues. If he just gets more and more overweight, it’ll cause increasing levels of resentment. Why should this become her problem to hold inside when he’s the one being negligent of his body and health, and their relationship? He needs to know how she genuinely feels about it so he can either fix it, or decide her feelings aren’t enough to stop him from eating the wrong foods or eating excessively. 

Btw, I just want to say that I am a reformed food addict. I totally get what it’s like to want to eat, eat, eat. I eat only whole foods now, and haven’t had sugar in over 2 1/2 years (because I used to eat cookies by the sleeve and would eat half a cake over the span of a couple hours). I had to completely get off sugar because there was no stopping me once I had a small amount.

He is an adult, and needs to take responsibility for his decisions. If she just sits back and pretends his weight gain is no big deal, she is doing a disservice to him,  because maybe hearing that she is less attracted to him would be enough to get him back on the right path. He needs to know the truth.

Post # 34
Member
582 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

This is a tough one…if you don’t say anything, I would be concerned that some resent might start to build up and then you will end up making comments to him that you might regret.

I would bring it up gently but directly…if it is clear to you that he can’t handle the conversation, I would say something to the effect of “I know this is tough to talk about and we don’t have to go there right now if you can’t…but I can’t really ignore this and I want to support you any way I can.”

The only way is to try, dip your toe in the water so to speak, and go from there.  Good luck!

Post # 35
Member
2120 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - DD born 2015 DS born 2017

I’d definitely say something asap, and he will have noticed the weight gain too, so he won’t be surprised. Just be honest with him (but I wouldn’t mention that you feel less attracted to him). Good luck!

Post # 36
Member
743 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

DON’T TELL YOUR DH HE IS FAT!!! (or unhealthy, or another rose-scented way of saying “you’re fat”) There is no good way to tell a spouse he or she is fat.  I completly agree with

View original reply
@Nona99:, so there is no need to repeat what she said.  Don’t worry, your DH’s friends are telling him he is fat, there is no need for you to do so as well.  Likewise, he knows (just like all overweight people know they are fat) – there is no need to repeat the obvious.

 

Instead of pointing out the obvious to your DH, just encourage healthy eating and active activities (as was also previously suggested).

 

OP, FWIW, I posted this same topic a few months ago – my DH put on quite a few lbs (and had a “preggo belly”)…and yes, it was affecting our sex life (I could not breathe if I was on the bottom as he was squishing me).  But I kept my mouth shut, made healthy meals (not only dinners, but I made his lunches too), and made him hike with me on the weekends.  And he finally “got it” and is now losing the weight.  I am so glad I never brought it up to him and he changed his lifestyle on his own!!!

 

Post # 37
Member
6738 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

Be honest, but be nice about it. Ask him what’s going on in his life and if everything is ok. If he asks why you’re asking say that you noticed he put on a few pounds and you want to help him work on it. Maybe you can make a little extra for dinner and pack it for his lunch the next day so he has something healthy to eat?  You can pack him healthy snacks, too. And ask him to work out with you more.

Post # 39
Member
407 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

View original reply
@brideatbeach:  Good for you!  I’m so glad that you said something.

For the record, I don’t think your concern is shallow at all!  I’ve had too many elderly patients where one spouse is burdened with being the sole caretaker of their spouse, who has multiple (completely preventable) health problems.  What I’m trying to say is that his weight and his health are absolutely your business.  And “for better or for worse?”  I don’t think that vow mean “I’ll stand by quietly while you make self-destructive choices.”  That sounds like enabling, not love.

Anyway, I’m so glad you really connected and can work together to turn things around.

Post # 41
Member
1006 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
@brideatbeach:  That is great.  Good for you for being straightforward.  I think it’s terrible when people are like “Oh, you’ll hurt his/her feelings- pretend you don’t notice the weight.” Why would anyone turn a blind eye to something that is affecting the health of a person they love?  SO and I are very straightforward with each other and it can be sensitive but neither of us wants to be unhealthy or unattractive to the other person.  

I hope the solutions you guys discussed help!  You may already be aware, but foods that are low on the glycemic index are digested more slowly and keep the blood sugar from spiking as much- it’s good to eat a significant amount of those foods at every meal to keep from getting hungry and snacking.  Have him pack some healthy but filling snacks for in between meals too- apples w/ almond butter, carrots and nuts, etc.  My SO just got really into nutrition after gaining a few pounds while being sick and he packs himself a giant salad and a sandwich on dense sprouted wheat bread every day and he has been shedding the weight really easily. 

Post # 43
Member
1146 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

View original reply
@brideatbeach:  Good for you! I am so glad you were able to work through this together and wish more couples could be open and honest in the form of constructive conversations when addressing the issue!!

I agree it’s not only right for you to say something if its truly life threateningly unhealthy. You are 100% entitled to find certain things attractive and others not. For me, I will simply just never find an overweight state attractive. I can’t rewire myself to find it attractive, and I chose a man whose fitness reflected what I find attractive. So did he. It’s just as if he started swearing in public or acting other ways i find to be classless, lost his strong drive to succeed professionally, or changed in any other way from the way he was when we married. It doesn’t mean you love the person less or are less committed should a change occur, but I think it’s only human to be repulsed by something you find repulsive.

That said, you vowed to be there for better or for worse, and you are. Attraction is one of the many things that make up a fabric of a marriage, and if you find yourself losing it for whatever reason, I think you owe it to your spouse to work constructively with him or her to get it back. I know I would prefer my husband do that with me if he started to be turned off by something about me. He’s still loving ME, not looking outside the marriage for the satisfaction he no longer finds with me. Chances are the person undergoing the change might not be happy with it either and would appreciate the support.

Post # 44
Member
2564 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I guess I’m different and I think you should be able to talk about these things with each other. Fiance and I both put on weight a few years ago, so I said “listen, we’ve both gotten fat, we need to change this”.  If Fiance had his way at the grocery store, it would be ice cream, chips, candy, and pop every week.  I’ve put a stop to that, those are treats and can only happen once in a while.

If you are buying healthy food but your husband is making the choice to buy fries at work you could address that.  Say: I’ve noticed you have been buying a lot of snacks at work, how about if you took some hummus/veggies/trail mix etc.  Try and make it a team effort, is there an activity he would enjoy doing with you that would get you both active?

Post # 45
Member
2113 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

View original reply
@brideatbeach:  I’m so glad it worked out for you. Fiance is really active and would always try to get me to go running or to the gym with him. Finally, I had to sit him down and say, Hey! I know I’m big. I’ve been this size for years. You met me this size. If you want me to be active, that’s fine, but running marathons isn’t for me. I like playing sports, going dancing, hiking, skating. FUN active things, not running. I only run if it’s to something or away from something. Now, I skate while he runs or we’ll go play basketball or something. Make sure he enjoys the activities y’all do. Otherwise, it’s not going to stick.

The topic ‘Tried and true advice on how to confront a spouse about weight gain’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors