(Closed) Tried to bond with the FMIL and got shot down!!

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
6248 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 1900

What the…?  She complains that she wants to get closer and bond with you, yet she rudely shuts you down when you suggest a bonding event?  *shakes head*

Post # 5
Member
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

@Legallyblondiebride: Well, I’m going to play devil’s advocate for a minute. I can understand why she would feel intimidated. You’re young and hip, and you said your mom gets mistaken for your sister a lot…which means she’s young and hip. To an older woman, that’s incredibly intimidating and uncomfortable. So of course she’s not going to feel very comfortable going dress shopping with you and your mom. Maybe if you had invited her daughters as well…

In the situation you presented, she’s going to have to go way outside her comfort zone to go on that trip with you and your mom. If I were her, I wouldn’t want to go either…and it’s not supposed to be offensive to you. I can just see why she would feel incredibly uncomfortable.

Post # 6
Member
3943 posts
Honey bee

@Legallyblondiebride:  I’m sad to say that your Future Mother-In-Law sounds like my mom. She comes across as cold and un-caring, but the truth is that she has no self confidence and constantly compares herself to others. My mom hates the way she looks and is always putting herself (and others) down.

I say give it another chance with your Future Mother-In-Law but try one-on one time first. Since she isn’t close to you or your mom, she might feel like a 3rd wheel (even though you would never make her feel this way). Offer to go out with just you and her for a pedicure. Or offer to go with her and your sister in law for dress shopping.

Sorry she is being like that 🙁

Post # 7
Member
3773 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

Maybe you and your mom can have your day and then another day you can go with Future Mother-In-Law and SIL to get her dress. I hope the next time she carries on the Darling Husband about wanting to be close to you her tells her to suck it up, you gave her a chance and she blew it.

Post # 8
Member
2777 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

That is messed up. I think she just wants to show your Fiance that she’s “trying to be closer to you” but IRL, she’s just faking it.

I don’t get that, she’s supposed to be getting another daughter!!

Post # 11
Member
3081 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I think I read an article once about how it’s ingrained into women’s natures to not get along with their daughters-in-law, but I so don’t get it!

Sounds like you are doing everything right, but I agree that @2PeasinaPod might have pointed out a possibility. 

I know I’d have trouble going back to her and asking again, but maybe you would want to try to do a one-on-one thing with her like a PP suggested. It’s also difficult to assess these posts because we weren’t there and couldn’t read her expression when she was saying it, but it sounds like if Fiance is agreeing that you’re making an effort, you probably aren’t overreacting. Good luck!

Post # 13
Member
319 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

I can sympathize with your Future Mother-In-Law a lot. It would be very intimidating to go dress shopping with someone younger and (possibly) prettier than yourself. She probably DOES want to get close to you, but like PP said, it’s really hard to go that far out of your comfort zone.

I would try again, but this time take yourself (and just yourself) to her level, do something she likes or would like. Maybe a quiet lunch together or something.

She’s probably nervous and anxious that you or your mom will judge her clothing taste or body type or budget… whatever. Shopping for clothes can be a really stressful experience for some women.

Post # 14
Member
2777 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Legallyblondiebride:  I’m sorry that you’re going through this. My Future Mother-In-Law and I aren’t exactly close either so I hope we don’t have any problems. =(

I agree with the other PPs who suggested maybe going with Future Sister-In-Law and Future Mother-In-Law to go look for her dress. I just hope it won’t be awkward.

Post # 16
Member
5075 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

at this point I’d stop trying.  There’s only so much you can do, only so many times you can be shot down.

 

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