(Closed) tried to talk to SO. vent!

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
768 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

I think the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus would be a really great book for you in this case. Most of the ideas in that book I don’t agree with, but I think this is one of those cases where you just have to let him be “in his cave” as the book would put it. Let him process what you’ve said and he will make his decision. Then you can react to whatever he decides to do, but you have to give him the autonomy to act on his own. If he values and respects you, he will honor your wishes. But it needs to come from him, not from you. 

 

As a control freak myself, this isn’t easy advice to hear. But I promise, if you let him sit with what you just told him and make the decision himself, it will become clear to both of you what the underlying issues are. Hope that helps! (:

Post # 4
Member
950 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Okay, first, I think your request is VERY reasonable & I’m glad you made it.

Now, I’d like to play devil’s advocate about your SO’s response (with the caveat that I don’t know you or SO, so please forgive me if I misread): I think the reason for his dual-syllable response is that, as I read it, you didn’t really have a “conversation”.  You told him what you expect of him, clarified what the expectation meant, and left it at that.  What I didn’t see in your description of what happened: you didn’t ask him what the Christmas plans were, didn’t suggest a co-ed/couples social gathering, didn’t ask HIM if HE thought your request is reasonable (maybe more important than if we think it’s reasonable), or ask to discuss the underlying issue that makes you uncomfortable (that his friends can be disrespectful towards you, especially when you’re NOT there – which I think is TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE).  So, maybe, your SO didn’t clearly understand that you wanted a conversation. 

I think it’s important that your SO understands how uncomfortable his friends’ disrespect makes you feel…as the man who loves you, I’m sure he doesn’t want you to feel that way & would be willing to work with you & his friends to remedy that.

Hope that helps!  ((HUGS))

Post # 6
Hostess
18643 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

The thing I don’t understand is why do his friends not like you if you have never spent time with them?  Is there any way that you can all get together in a group situation so they realize that you are a cool girl and not trying to take away their friend?  That being said I do agree that you should ask him to be honest with you about who he is with since you two should have trust in eachother.  I wouldn’t get upset just because he only said ‘ok’ in response to your concerns.  Sometimes guys are pretty short with their answers and don’t feel the need to really use a lot of words when they are talking.

Post # 8
Hostess
18643 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

That is not a good reason at all!  Just because you are younger doesn’t mean you are a gold digger (not that I’m saying your man is a rich old guy but you know what I mean!)  I think he should try to talk to his friends about giving you a fair chance to meet you before disliking you!

Post # 10
Hostess
18643 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I wasn’t thinking that there was a huge age difference.  I wonder if he has had poor taste before and they are just assuming that he can’t pick good girls?  Boys are so hard to understand sometimes.  And I know what you mean about holding feelings in.  My husband and I are the same way and we really have to work on it so that we don’t hold it in until we explode.

Post # 11
Member
286 posts
Helper bee

Wow…I am really sorry you have to go through this…It’s good that you had this talk with him now before his friends actually come to town. Have you ever asked him why they do not like you? This is really difficult because you do not want to make him feel like you are making him choose between you and his friends. I just do not think I could handle my Fiance having friends that didn’t like me, it would be okay if it was just one but a few friends thats totally different. And NO I do not think you are being unreasonable with him because if the friends do not care for you then they might not have respect for your relationship either….

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