- 5 years ago
- Wedding: June 2015
The thought of posting this makes me feel sick but I don’t know where else to turn.
I met my husband over 3 years ago. We hit it off immediately and dated for 8 months. Long story short, we broke up at 8 months due to certain circumstances in our lives at the time. I was heartbroken and began casually dating as an attempt to move on.
A guy I went to school with ended up asking me to dinner. I had known him for years – he was on the baseball team at our high school and I knew his parents when we were growing up. We went to dinner, and then we went to dinner a second time. It was fun and he was nice so when he invited me over to his house one Saturday night I said yes.
He lived in a small house with roommates but his roommate were not home. We were in his room when he started kissing me and very quickly tried to take it to another level. I said “No” and when he tried to put his hand up my shirt I pushed it away. He tried again and I said “No” again but he tried harder. At this point, when I realized what was happening, I became very scared. I am only 5’0 and 105 pounds and he was much bigger. I was alone in the house and I was so afraid he was going to hurt me. I said “No” and pushed him away many times… but I will admit I never fought back. I never thought I would react the way I did. I just froze.
I still can’t bring myself to say the “R” word, not even two years later. I never told anyone. I just wanted it to go away and I wanted to feel normal again. I wanted to forget it even happened. I felt very, very ashamed and I still do. The thought of people that I know finding out about what happened makes me feel so sick and embarrassed.
Darling Husband and I ended up getting back together 7 months after we broke up. He knew I dated in the time that we weren’t together and he asked me many times about the guys and what happened but I could never bring myself to tell him about what happened. We are newly married now and things between us are wonderful. However, I am coming up on the 2nd anniversary of the incident and it has been weighing on my mind lately. Darling Husband can always pick up on my feelings and he could tell something was wrong last night. He kept asking me to tell him and so I finally blurted out what happened.
I expected him to be understanding but he wasn’t. He tried to be, of course. He immediately started asking me to describe what happened. I told him, and he was dumbfounded at the fact that I didn’t fight back or try to run away. He kept asking me “Why didn’t you fight? Why didn’t you try to get away? You never thought about trying to run?” He seemed like he couldn’t believe that the guy used a condom. He ended with “If this is a true story, we need to go to the police.”
I’m feeling extremely hurt. I already feel like this is my fault. I’ve already replayed that night in my head over and over. I’ve already wondered if I should have fought back harder. I’ve already thought about how people may not believe me. I’m hurt that, of all people, my husband reacted this way. I guess I just wanted him to listen and to comfort me.
He knows I’m upset and he apologized. He said he wasn’t saying it was my fault but he was just asking questions to get a picture in his head because usually rape stories include a lot of struggle and fighting – he said he just wanted to understand.
I feel more upset today and gross than I have in a long time. I don’t know what to do or where to go if I can’t even talk to my husband.