(Closed) TRIGGER – I was raped and husband doesn't understand.

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
1417 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I don’t condone what your Darling Husband said to you, however it must be a shock for him, and I imagine he’ll have a million emotions regarding this. I’m sorry you had to go through that, and I’m sorry that your husband isn’t handling it as well as one would expect.

I’m not one for ever suggesting therapy, but in this case, I think you’d both benefit.

Post # 3
Member
280 posts
Helper bee

lacylou92:  I am infuriated that this happend to you. Both incidents. 

About your Darling Husband and his reaction; wrong way to respond. Clearly that is an emotionally crippling and vulnerable confession you made to him, and the  way he spoke to you afterwords was absolutely out of line. I understand that he may be shocked and angry at what happened, but that in NO means calls for him to make you feel GUILTY about something you could not prevent.

Stand up for yourself. Tell him that you have never had that happen before and you weren’t prepared to fight back. Not only that, but you physically could not overpower someone that much larger than you. Explain to your Darling Husband how exactly his reaction made you feel. You were the victim of something horrible; so horrible that you couldn’t even speak about it until now; and then he comes back at you with that? Therapy is needed here. Unacceptable. 

Post # 4
Member
86 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

Men do not always word things well.

 

8t seems he is concerned for you and is right – u should go to the police. And seek counselling. 

 

this man forced himself upon you and that is not okay.

Post # 5
Member
550 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015 - Fairmont Banff Springs Hotel

lacylou92:  

That is not true in the slightest. There does not need to be a big struggle in order for it to be rape. If you do not consent and are subjected to sex against your will- it is assault. I know how hard it can be to open up and tell people about things you are ashamed of, and in times like this it can make it worse instead of better. I don’t know how to suggest you make things better with your husband- you can’t force him to understand. I would let him see that you are serious, hurt and angry with him for his response and hopefully with time he will figure out that he is dead wrong.

I went through something like this as well and afterwards when the police were talking to me handling a situation like this, they said that in many cases- not struggling is best because these type of people get off on your fear and their power over you more than the sex itself. Also, if you struggle, the chances of you getting seriously hurt raise significantly.

When this happened to me, I was somewhere I should have known better with someone I shouldn’t have been there with. It was stupid and every time I tell people about it I assume that they are thinking that it was my fault for being there. I have tried to come to terms that yes, I made a bad decision- but no one can force someone to assault them. No matter what you did or didn`t do, you are not at fault for being raped.

Post # 6
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I am sorry this happened to you.

I suggest that you find a counselor who specializes is sexual assault and trauma (you should be able to find one through an organization like RAINN).  It might be good for your husband to go to some counseling with you as well, but I think it should be a priority for you to have solo sessions so that you can feel you have a safe space with no blame.  A counselor could also suggest resources and publications for your husband to read on rape statistics, patterns, “date rape,” and why it’s a myth that victims have to fight back.  What this man did to you was clearly without your consent.  It’s frustrating that sexual violence is a crime that is most commonly committed by men against women, and yet it is men within society who have been able to control the narrative that “real” victims fight back.   

ETA: RAINN (Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network) http://centers.rainn.org

Post # 7
Member
4854 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’m so sorry this happened. Your husband said some incredibly insensitive things. I think people say this because they fear not having control themselves in a situation like that. They want an explanation. I hope you go to the police and persue this. Also please seek out a good counsellor. There is nothing you could have done differently. i know it’s hard, but please don’t blame yourself. This person is a predator. it’s hard to be hopeful but recovery is possible. 

Post # 8
Member
550 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015 - Fairmont Banff Springs Hotel

lacylou92:  And I forgot to say it earlier but I am so sorry that this happened to you. 

 

I do not believe that you should have to defend yourself to your anyone. I actually think that it will also do more harm than good. Maybe he thinks that you exaggerated or changed your mind afterwards or whatever but I wouldn’t go overboard trying to make him understand. I would let him know how his response has made you feel and wait for him to get his shit together. 

Post # 9
Member
4091 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Do you think it’s possible that he just knows nothing about rape? I mean that genuinely: think about how it is portrayed on TV. For a lot of people, that is all they know of it. It doesn’t sound to me like his intent was to make you feel the way you did, he’s just ignorant about how rape can take many, many different forms, and is not always as easy as just “fighting back”.

I second PP’s suggestion of counseling, but I think it would be good to consider going to one together too. It would give your husband the tools to help you to cope, and might shed some light for him on how to respond to you in these situations.

I’m so incredibly sorry this happened to you, and that your conversation didn’t go the way you were hoping.

Post # 10
Member
901 posts
Busy bee

Unfortunatly, I’m unsure if going to the police now would do any good. It’s been so long, the “evidence” is gone. Had poloce was involved right when it happened, swabs could have been taken, pictures would have been taken, everything from that attack would have been documented.  Now it would be very much your word against his. Rape cases are really hard to do. I have a friend that was raped and she went through the whole process afterward, and they never caught the guys because: 1) She was drugged and passed out and never saw them. 2) Their dna wasn’t on any database.

You’re husband shouldn’t have said what he did, but rape isn’t something guys are used to be talking about and the only rape stories he knows is the stuff he sees on tv. I’m so sorry all this has happened to you, I really do suggest going to.see a therapist to help deal with your trauma and do amfew group sessions.to.get your husband involved to educate him about rape and your feelings on this.

Post # 11
Member
2120 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I’m so sorry this has happened to you and that your husband is victim blaming you. Make him read some stuff on that and rape culture in general to get some sensitivity on the subject – there is some great literature out there on the internet. The stories you see on TV do not make up the majority of the experiences of those who are raped. It’s not always a big dramatic fight – I’d wager most women have the same reaction you do, to freeze to avoid injury.

I also agree with counseling or finding a support group to help you heal.

Post # 12
Member
8963 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

lacylou92:  I would ask him to talk to a sexual assault counsellor. His reaction is sadly common and is due to not understanding what rape is. To a lot of men and women, rape = stranger jumping out of the bushes with a weapon even though acquaintence rape is actually more common. It would be better if our loved ones knew the right words to say (or not say) but at least he realizes his ignorance: “he said he just wanted to understand“. A rape counsellor can help him understand and be supportive to you.

Post # 13
Member
226 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

In response to danger, the body goes into fight-or-flight. When someone is in a position to do neither, they shut down. This is exactly and consistently how trauma works and people need to stop “harmlessly wondering” why the other options were not taken. Unfortunately the justice system tends to feel the same way your husband does and prosecuting is more likely to compound your trauma without any resulting punishment for the offender.

Post # 14
Member
609 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I’m so sorry this happened to you. FWIW, I think you should report this to the police. That’s, obviously, your choice though. 

 

Your husband’s reaction is based on a false sense of what the “r” word is. In tv shows and movies, “r” scenes are nearly always portrayed as a huge struggle, but that’s just not how it is for some/most women.

 

*OITNB SPOILER ALERT* I’m not sure if you have Netflix, or watch Orange Is The New Black, but one of the characters, Pensatucky, is “r’d” in the newest season. An article I read recently said that this is the only show/scene that accurately shows what “r” is really like for the women mentioned above. I highly suggest that your husband watch this, to gain a better understanding that every “r” is different, and a lot of women freeze up/don’t run/fight, and maybe he will become a better source of support for you with this understanding.

 

All the best to you. 

Post # 15
Member
1312 posts
Bumble bee

You never EVER need to say ‘I admit I didn’t fight back’. There is no way in hell that ‘not fighting back’ is a message of consent and nor will it ever be. 

I really think you should go to see a counsellor, keep the doors of commincation about it open with your Darling Husband, and bring him to a counselling session when you are ready. 

The topic ‘TRIGGER – I was raped and husband doesn't understand.’ is closed to new replies.

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