(Closed) *Trigger Warning* Assaulted, may have STD how to tell new husband

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
3607 posts
Sugar bee

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Annnnnon:  OMG. Did you save the communication from your rapist where he told you he had an STD? It could come in handy if you decide to press charges, although depending on what he said, it may not show you had anything other than consensual sex.

I think you should be honest with your new husband about what happened. No one with a heart would be upset with you for sharing this with them. Aside from that, if you think your husband’s health may be at risk, you need to let him know. Your husband loves you and will support you, and you may find you are able to cope better once you have his support.

Lastly: IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. It does not matter what you wore or that you were drinking. Your rapist is an evil, sick, horrible, messed up person.

Post # 3
Member
9520 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

-HUG-

Whoa. First off, stop drinking at work. Then get another job. Facing your rapist everyday is not a healthy way to move forward. Get tested ASAP. sit down and talk to your husband, he needs to know about all this. 

Post # 4
Member
681 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

First, you need to tell your husband.  He married you and agreed to stand by your side through thick and thin.  If anything, he’s only going to get hurt the longer you don’t tell him.

Second, get yourself tested – full battery of tests.  If he told you WHAT it is make sure you share that information with your doctor.  No matter what the results, call the police and have them take a report.

Third, review your company’s policy on coworker relations.  MAKE A COMPLAINT WITH HR.  You may need the police report to support you here.  Do not make this complaint through the anonymous channels, this is the sort of thing they need to be able to have dialogue with you about.  At best, he will get canned.  At worst, they will transfer one of you into a role where you no longer have to interact.  Keep in mind that HR does not work for you, they work to protect the interests of the company.  They may try to make you feel like you are telling a conflicting story, ask lots of questions for clarification, etc.  Do not let this shake you – they are just doing their job and getting as much information as they can to accurately assess the information.

You really need the support of your husband through this trying time.  No one will blame you – f*ck them.

Please feel free to message me privately if you’d like to chat more.

Post # 5
Member
367 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Squaw Valley

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Annnnnon:  As hard as it is to do, you’ve got to try to stop blaming yourself for asking for it even if you were wearing “provocative” clothes, etc.  Even in a drunken state I can’t imagine you were too consentual if the guy was strangling you.

I recently saw this photo and it makes a bold yet truthful statement.

 

Post # 6
Member
1839 posts
Buzzing bee

I partly feel it was my fault. I drank with concussion, I wore provocatie clothes and I put myself in that situation.

Your first step will be to get those thoughts out of your head. There is no way that you being drunk and wearing a short skirt means anything that happened to you was your fault. 

Second, plese confide in your husband. You are married, you should trust him and he should trust you. There is no way he can blame you for what has happened and I am sure that once you talk to him he will be understanding and you will start to feel a little less withdrawn.

Third, quit your job. Even if you don’t have a new job. Seeing your rapist everyday is worse than not having an income while you look for you new work. I’m sure there are people around you who will support you (emotionally and financially) – your husband included. 

Fourth, go see your therapist. You say you have depression and GAD so I assume you have one. They will help. 

And finally, get tested for STDs. And ask your husband to get tested as well. 

 

I am sending you my thoughts and love, this must be extremely hard xxx

Post # 7
Member
58 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Please go to a rape crisis center first .. almost every city has one. They can give you support . I too was attacked by someone … a reiki master i went to. I finally told my finace 5 months later. I urge you to go to rape crisis center and to get tested before you tell your husband. I agree you should get another job .. and if you need help with your drinking there is AA .. I personally am 13 years sober. I love the picture posted above. You can’t consent if you are drunk and out of it. He, the rapist could just be fn with you …. it may be another mind game. Also if you have to stay there make it clear to him there will be no conversation of what went on between the two of you. I will keep you in my prayers. If you need to talk to someone I will be happy to give you my number. 

Diane

Post # 8
Member
1083 posts
Bumble bee

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Annnnnon:  

1. Take is never acceptable. Even if you’re a drunk, naked hooker on a street corner. Unless it’s consential, rape is rape.

2. You need to tell your husband

3. Get an std check

4. Report him to HR

5. Report it to the cops

Post # 9
Member
23 posts
Newbee

Why didn’t you tell your then fiancee what happened to you at the christmas party? If I was sexually assaulted he would be the first person to know. I’m also wondering what terms you are on with this co worker, if hes able to still talk to you and tell you he has an STD. Does he think it was consensual because you were both drunk? I mean he works with you, I’m sure he’s not trying to lose his job by sexually assaulting co workers or he would of already left his job being to ashamed to see you and think of what he did. You should definitely report this now, both to the police and your work. It’s not too late if you had felt too scared to say anything then, you can now. You said you were unconscious and woke up with him on you strangling you. Why would he think its consensual to strangle you and rape you when he found you unconscious, it makes no sense how he could possibly think this is okay. Did you act like everythings okay between you two? Im sorry this happened, please go get tested, please report this rapist and try to talk to your husband, he will be there for you, he loves you. 

Post # 10
Member
723 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Oh my god, I am sooooo sorry that this happened to you. I actually think that your #1 step should be to go see a therapist. You are dealing with some serious trauma right now. Yes, you should tell your husband, yes, you should change jobs, yes, you should nail this horrific excuse for a human being to the wall, but first and foremost you need to break through why you have been blaming yourself for this all this time, and figure out why you haven’t told your husband yet. 

Please try and be extra kind and understanding to yourself right now. You had a horrific thing happen to you and you’ve been dealing it by yourself this whole time. 

As for telling your husband, do you think it would be easier to write him a note or something? Or have a therapist/neutral friend or third party mediate the conversation? Yes, you have a responsibility to tell him, but you should not have to be re-traumatized in the process. 

And as for dealing with the lowlife who did this to you, before moving forward with anything you should contact a rape crisis center to find out how to proceed. They should be able to help guide you through contacting HR, whether & how to press charges (if that’s how you decide to proceed), etc.

I’m so sorry, bee. I am sending you love & hugs right now.  

Post # 11
Member
2256 posts
Buzzing bee

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mochibunni:  Wow, so not the right thing to say to a survivor of rape.

A lot of what you’re saying comes off as what rape apologists say.

“why didn’t you tell someone?”

“surely he thought it was consensual?”

“a rapist wouldn’t be able to show their face at work, he wouldn’t want to lose his job”

“did you act like it was ok after?”

I can’t even…

Post # 12
Member
2087 posts
Buzzing bee

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justwondering2015:  Agree with this. Many rapists don’t see anything wrong with what they do, so why WOULDN’T he show his face at work? And sadly a lot of rapists get away with what they do using excuses like “We were both drunk” or “I didn’t know she was drunk when she came on to me” so I doubt he’s even thinking there’s any risk to his job at all. Many people, not just rapists, don’t see an issue with drunk consent and think if they’re not saying no that means yes.

“The Accused” with Jodie Foster is a great movie that shows the backwards thinking when it comes to drinking and consent. Though I wouldn’t recommend it if you’re a survivor as there is a pretty explicit scene that could be very triggering.

OP, I would get yourself tested and let your husband know what happened. Try not to continue blaming yourself, you didn’t do this. I would also contact the police, but if you aren’t comfortable with that, at LEAST report it to HR so you don’t have to work with this guy anymore. 

Post # 13
Member
23 posts
Newbee

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justwondering2015:  well I’m just curious, if I offended OP I will apologize. To me, this just doesn’t make any sense. Why would he be comfortable talking to her and continue seeing her at work unless she just held her feelings in? I’ve done that before when I was very young. It wasnt consensual, and he thought it was. I was so scared, I just didn’t say anything. I kept all my feelings inside and I’m wondering if thats what she did too. If any man were to touch me now, whether a co worker or neighbor I would sream and shout and tell him to GTFO me. Why? I’ve learned from my mistakes. Maybe she kept everything inside because she was so scared and panicked that she acted “okay” after then avoided him after. 

Secondly, she said this co worker thought it was consensual which makes no sense to me because what human strangles and has sex with someone who is unconscious and thinks its consensual? No rational person. I’m just trying to get an idea as to why he thinks this way. Why he would hurt her and sexually assault her but show his face every day at work and continue to contact her as if nothing bad happened. 

And again, I’m wondering why she didn’t tell anyone, thats why I asked if she was scared and that its still okay to contact the police. Not everyone is the same, like I said I would of told my husband straight away but I wanted to hear from her to understand, not just assume. There could be other reasons.

Don’t read and assume, or twist my words to however youd like to read them, use your brain and actually ask questions.

Post # 14
Member
1770 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Get tested ASAP! I’m so sorry this happened to you!  Find a new job IMMEDIATELY and tell your husband- he may be more understanding than you think!

Post # 15
Member
1065 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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mochibunni:  Dude. Do you think a rapist would ever in a million years give themselves away? Do you think a man who chokes an unconscious woman and rapes her would feel enough remorse to confess??? You sound really ignorant about rape and shouldn’t be posting what you’re posting.

The topic ‘*Trigger Warning* Assaulted, may have STD how to tell new husband’ is closed to new replies.

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