(Closed) *Trigger Warning* Assaulted, may have STD how to tell new husband

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
681 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Annnnnon:  3 months is not too late.  I reported a rapist 6 years after the fact.  It was too late to press charges but not too late to take a report.  3 months is plenty of time for both the police and HR.  Although the lack of evidence may hinder from a legal perspective, you can still file a police report.  That way the next time he does this again (and they always will) there is already a record on file if she goes in.

When I finally told people, very few people asked “what took so long?”… And those that did were assholes who clearly didn’t know what it does to you.

Post # 33
2091 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I am so, so sorry, dear… I was date raped by my first adult boyfriend/relationship… I was so messed up that I kept dating him… I was a bit promiscuous in the time following, and it took years to make that connection. I thought that it was all men wanted and at least I could be in control of when it happened. I never went to the police, and if I had, I would have been able to heal more quickly. It is not about him getting punished. It is theraputic to tell your story and to take some sort of action. So many rapes go unreported because we do not want to relive that nightmare. Now, you are being forced to face this again. Please, go to the police, it is not too late. Next, go to a doctor, get tested for everything under the sun. After that, talk to your husband and go to the doctor with him. Then, go seek counseling. This perfect life that you are picturing is not what it seems. There is a very sad undercurrent, and it must be dealt with. This will test your relationship, but if you can make it through this, you can make it through anything. Your husband has a right to know about his health. Please take care of yourself. 

Post # 34
978 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Oh hunny 🙁 I am so sorrry this happened to you. You did nothing…NOTHING to deserve this or cause this! Ignore ignorant idiots who say otherwise! I understand why you didnt tell your husband, I totally get it. But this is the man you married…..in sickness and health….tell him. Trust that you married a good man and that he will stand by your side through this and anything else that comes your way. You are not tainted or dirty and your are NOT less of a woman to him. You are a victim. He deserves to know and you deserve to have the support of your husband.

Consider counseling, maybe they can help you tell him. Then maybe he can help you tell the police. No one should deal with this alone! We are all behind you!

Post # 35
2120 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

This post makes me so sad, as a fellow rape survivor. If you were drunk, you cannot legally give consent. 

Please please please please please stop blaming yourself. Being raped has nothing to do with the victim and what they were wearing/doing and everything to do with the scum who raped. The fact that you blame yourself at all is a sad realization of the rape culture we live in.

Rape is rape. There are no shades of rape. One type of rape is not “less than” another.

Please get help. Please tell your husband. Please file a report with the police and HR. 

Post # 37
987 posts
Busy bee

Annnnnon:  not married but just wanted to chime in and tell u that its not too late to tell your Darling Husband. I Was raped in my college dorm about 6 months into my relationship with my current SO (we have been together almost 4 years now) and like you, I felt as though somehow it was my fault. I was scared to tell my bf. So scared in fact that I didnt tell him right away. he knew something was wrong tho bcus i started behaving differently. I told him the gist of the story about a month later and he surprisingly was very supportive. My rapist was a friend who also was so “gracious” (SARCASM aka the only thing that gets me through it) to tell me he had an STD the next week. both my SO and I Were tested and we were in the clear so we got lucky.

your husband loves you, he will understand. I get what you mean by feeling as though you were asking for it, (I literally let my rapist in the door-long story) but its still not ur fault as the PP have said. From my experience, telling my SO made me feel a billion times better. I still have anxiety about it and cry about it from time to time, it has even affected our sex life, but him knowing has made things so much easier. you married him for a reason, now is the time to remind yourself of that. he will be there for you, and if he isnt then you can deal with that when the time comes. best of luck. PM me if you want to talk further. 

Post # 38
3007 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

First of all, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. IT IS NEVER YOUR FAULT. Some evil person took advantage of you when you were in a vulnerable position. A good man would have protected you and made sure you got home safely. 

Second, if you are drunk or high and even your Darling Husband has sex with you, it is legally rape because you are unable to give consent if you are mentally incompetent. Parents and/or sex ed teachers need to teach every little boy this, so even if they are tempted, they won’t do it.

Third, and I say this as a nerdy girl who never wears sexy clothes, dressing provocatively has nothing to do with being raped either. My best friend was raped while wearing boot cut mom jeans and a tee shirt. Rapists are predators that just look for women in vulnerable positions. 

My advice: 

1. Get tested to see if there is anything worth talking about. I believe the chance of getting an STI from someone with one is around 50%. You are not guaranteed to get it. If you don’t have an STI, you don’t need to tell your husband anything unless you want to. 

2. If you do discover that you have an STI and you and your husband had sex, it’s important to let him know so he can get tested and treated. Just tell him that you were held down, choked, and raped at a holiday party by a coworker, and he gave you an STI. If he blames you at all for what happened, he’s just as bad as the rapist. Don’t let him make you feel at fault for what happened. 

3. File a police report/restraining order, complain to HR, and/or start seeking employment elsewhere, whichever you’re most comfortable with. Whether or not to press charges or tell your coworkers is a very personal choice. You should explain your feelings to Darling Husband on the matter and see what he thinks. 

4. Get professional help. PLEASE. If you can’t afford a therapist, please call the National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673). It’s free and confidential. 

Best wishes to you during this difficult time! 

Post # 40
619 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

3 months is a really short time, some rape cases are reported years later!! the earlier you report him, the better your life will get!!! you won’t have this secret on your shoulders anymore, and you’ll finally be able to move on once you don’t see that horrible guy. After 3 months a lot of Save-The-Date Cards can be tested yes, it’s time!!! get tested now and in another 3 months. and you have to tell your husband about it, or else if you hide that you have an STD to a partner it is considered a criminal act in certain states.

Post # 42
723 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Annnnnon:  If his reaction to you being RAPED is to suspect you of tricking him into marrying him, then that is a sign to YOU that maybe he isn’t the stand-up guy that you know him to be. 

You are already assuming responsibility for his reaction, when in fact you have done nothing (NOTHING) wrong and you deserve only his support. You need lots of love and support right now–from a therapist, from the bees, from your husband, from your family, etc. <3

Post # 43
846 posts
Busy bee

Annnnnon:  Please go get tested and see/speak to a rape/sexual assault counselor. Talking to a counselor may make it easier to figure out how to tell your husband.

Post # 44
2699 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

Annnnnon:  I don’t know if you should tell your husband, only you can decide that. However if you were drinking with a concussion and now are drinking at work you may have a problem with alcohol that needs to be addressed. Drinking copiously is not a good way to deal with this. is the STD something treatable or is it chronic like herpes? If it’s treatable, get tested start treatment and decide what you want to do. If it’s not you must get tested and will probably have to tell your hubby. This really sucks, I’m sorry for you. While I agree your decision making was poor no one asks to be raped, stop beating yourself up and stop drinking your way through your misery!

Post # 45
2328 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

jily:  I cannot believe the amount of judgement you managed to slyly fit into that small post. It’s people like you thar reinforce the stereotype that poor judgement= rape. Drinking to cope does alsonot automatically  equate to alcoholism FYI. 

I hope if something serious ever happens to you that you have some more open minded and knowledgable people around you. 

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